Want another baby but petreified after 1st labour.

[aideesmum]

I'm not pregnant at the mo but would love to have 2nd one soon.
My 1st labour scares the living daylights out of me as it was horrendous.
I was 5 days overdue and my waters broke on the Monday but I wasn't sure as it was only trickling and no contractions, phoned the midwife on the Tuesday and went straight to the hospital.
They confirmed my waters had broken but as no other signs of labour were obvious they wanted to induce me. I was given the pessary at 7pm, sure enough 4 hours later the pains started.
At 2am I was asking for some pain relief and was given pethadine, which done nothing, and got back into bed.
Finally at 9am I was taken to the delivery suite and was 8cm dilated, they did not check me again and was told to start pushing at 10am. 5 hours later, I think, and still no regular contractions they decided to give me the drip to get things going properly and I had an Epi too as they said it would get so painful with the drip. Then, before the epi even started to wear off they got me to push again but I couldn't feel anything so not sure if I was pushing anyway.
Still nothing. So the doctor was called and they tried the ventose and foreceps, stil nothing so had to go for an emergency c section and my ds was finally born at 7.15pm.
Why didn't they check me again to see if I was fully dilated? and why try and make me push when I can feel nothing?
Thinking about it now makes me feel sick and I wish I had taken more control over what was going on.
Anyone had any similar experiences with hospitals like this?
The end result was worth it. When I try to talk to people about the labour it makes me cry and feel sick.

they could prob. tell by the contractions hun. I had similar to you, minus c/section and I was checked three times over nearly 24 hours. They have to tell you to push because you cant feel anything. Its hard to do, but let them "take over", they are the experts. I did very little it seemed in DSs birth because its just the way it went. Next time you'll be more "in the know" to ask Qs etc. You might have post-traumatic stress... maybe see GP? sorry this post is abit pants, im feeding DS on lap! ((hugs))

Oh AM - how horrible for you. I had a very similar experience with DS1 and only had DS2 after he was conceived "unexpectedly" . I was terrified of giving birth again but used what had happened first time round to make sure I had a bit more control over things the second time. I can honestly say that DS2's birth wasn't even half as traumatic as DS1's and I was amazed it all happened so quickly and relatively easily. HTH and good luck whatever you decide.

aideesmum - you must approach the hospital and ask for a review of your case. At my hospital a semi-independent mw (it's NOT her job to defend every decision made during your labour) offers a 'birth afterthoughts' service. She came to my house and spent a good couple of hours going through the cascade of interventions I had, ending up in em c/s. It really helped me to get my head around what had happened and why. Because she was in my house and so approachable, I could ask her questions that I wouldn't have asked at the hospital. You may end up wanting to complain. For me, understanding what had happened gave me the confidence to try for a vbac, and suggestions of how I could stay more in control of the process.

Best wishes, I'm so sorry that you had such a horrid experience. But you're right, the end result was worth it - it took me a long time to appreciate that, I focused more on the birth than on the baby for a long time.

another post recommending 'birth afterthoughts' services which are increasingly common - wonder why - despite having a labour which was nothing like as terrible as yours sounded i still really benefited from it as i had been left with the feeling that i had needed to tell the mw and dh things but had been unable to speak - in fact i did manage to say several of the things i thought i had not been able to say. sorry that's confused, but i mean that although it didn't change the facts of what happened it helped me to feel much more OK about it. HTH

I had an awful labour/birth with DS (3months ago) - had hoped for homebirth but due to power problems, had no hot water so had to go to midwife-led unit... ended up being transferred to a hospital (ambulance with sirens -very scary!) but the staff at the hospital were horrible. Ended up with c-section... So not what I wanted. since then, I've gone over it in my mind a thousand times and get very upset/angry about it all the time. I'm glad that DS was fine but I felt so angry that I didn't really bond with him for weeks then I felt guilty for not being a proper mother.

Anyway, I read one of the hospital leaflets that apparently after any birth with intervention, they will have a de-brief with you so you understand what happened... This never happened with me. I have just put in a request for a copy of all my notes so that i can read them and then I might put in a complaint if the notes don't help me.

I really want to have another baby as soon as I can (not trying yet though, DS is still a little too young) and I'm hoping that the next birth will be a better experience which will let me forget the first one... I blame the staff at the hospital, they really were rude, unhelpful and pretty much incompetant. If I do have a 2nd, I will definately be having a home birth and I'm not even sure that I'll bother with a MW - would much rather just do it on my own... We'll see though.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. I would agree with previous advice about a review. Either get a copy of your notes to read yourself then have a meeting if you feel you need it or just request a meeting to discuss it all. I'm pretty sure you can get an appointment with a midwife to go over labour notes. (check here for info on getting your notes - go to articles then making a complaint)

sorry if this is a bit long

Just to give you an example of a really bad birth then a really good one AM:

My mum had my older brother at term and went into labour naturally. She had a very long one and ended up with an epidural and my brother, after much hard work was born with the aid of forceps. Everything was ok for a few minutes but then suddenly my brother had a fit and stopped breathing. At the same time my mum suffered a pulmonary embolism. My dad was removed from the room and you can imagine how horrific it was for him, after a very long a difficult labour his wife and newborn baby had both stopped breathing at the same moment. Thankfully they were both revived with no long term damage but understandably, they decided not to have any more children as it wasn't worth the risk.

6 months later my mum was petrified to learn she was pregnant with me. Howevre her fears came to nothing, I arrived right on time in four hours and no interventions at all.

18 moths after that she had my younger brother in 3 hours with a dose of pethidine at the beginning (because they thought he'd be a while!).

So - it can go horribly wrong, but it can go fantastically well too.

Aideesmum, I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth. I had a similar experience and I had flashbacks for months afterwards, but you're right, it helps to focus on the end result: if you get a healthy baby you're really lucky because lots of people don't.

Please don't let it put you off having a second one. Have you thought about booking an elective C-section? That's what I'm doing next time and it's enabled me to feel much more relaxed about the birth (I'm currently 3 months pregnant). You do not have to repeat your horrible experience last time.

Sorry to here you had a bad birth. I am in a similar position to you, after a horrific 1st birth I am terrified of another the same. I too felt completely out of control with the situation and what was happening as I was ignored. I have been through my notes with the hospital, and it did help a bit. But at the end of the day they admitted that my care was below even a minimum standard. I am now considering my options for next time (although not even TTC yet). I have been offered an elective c-section if I want one. But am now considering a home birth.

Asur, I know exactly how you feel about not wanting a midwife there. The ones I had were incompetent and endangered the life of my baby and in fact did end up putting him in an incubator for 10 days. The antenatal midwifes were fairly useless as well, yet again errors in antenatal care, which could have jeopardised the life of my baby. I just do not trust any midwives. I think I could get through a home birth as I was denied pain relief the first time round, so hopefully I can get through it at home as it's supposed to be easier second time round. And my labour wasn't that long first time. I find it difficult to enter the hospital where I gave birth (I have had to go back many times as they have caused me so much internal damage) and I think if I was in labour I would be too stressed to go there.

Aideesmum - are there any other hospitals in your area you could consider?

I had a dreadful 2nd birth, and the 1st awful too. ds2 had to be resussitated, had cord round, very painful labour, very fast contractions.
when pregnant with no.3 cried on consultant every time as was frightened! he offered me a cs, but advised all the negatives against it though, healing, driving, recovery etc.
Eventually it was agreed i could have an epidural at the first pang of pain. I was happy, but when it came to the crunch, all anaethatists were in theatre! I cried, and then had gas and air. If was very fast again, but not as bad as no'1&2.

I can totally sympathise!! I had a 'trainee' midwife at the hosp. who thought after 6 hours that I was 9 cm dilated when really I was only 4...so after 12 more hours of trying for a 'natural' labour (which was what I wanted)I was checked by the MW's supervisor who wondered why I wasn't further on...and was gutted to be told I was only 5 cms at that point! So then I had the drip and an epi (which didn't really work so lots of pain)...DD finally delivered by ventouse - a scary time as her heart had practically stopped she was in so much distress. I then was taken off to theatre for an operation as I'd torn so badly and hubby was left holding the baby!

I found the whole experience traumatic - I was too poorly afterwards to breastfeed - and ended up with postnatal depression for a while which my GP thinks was prob a result of what happened at the birth.

I love being a Mum, but up to v recently I've felt like I definitely didn't want to have any more children because of everything that happened. This is even tho' next time it wouldn't be the same as I'd have to have an elective c-section to avoid any more damage. However...the past month or so I've felt a teeny bit broody so we are starting to think about it (my DD is 2&half)...so I think that the memories/feelings do fade a bit with time. I went over everything after the birth with a (female) consultant at the hospital which helped a bit - - but it was a bit soon afterwards really, just 6 weeks after the birth when I was still in shock!! I found that talking to my GP really helped - my DD was about 6 months old by then.

I hope that you start to feel better soon - don't let it put you off doing what, in your heart, you really want to do.

Thanks for all your comments, it has put my mind at ease a bit.
I think if I do have another one (which I really do want) then I would strongly consider having an elective c-section, although I would love to do it naturally - I think the fear of doing it all over again would ruin the pregnancy completely.
I wouldn't go back to that hospital next time, would request a better one.

I would suggest counselling before you fall pregnant with dc2. Talking through your concerns with a mw consellor may answer some of your questions and may put your mind at ease.

aideesmum. My first labour sounds a bit similar, they managed to get dd out with the ventouse though. I'd been having contractions for 2 days - no sleep, left alone in the hospital, fell asleep in the bath - on my own - drip, epi, etc it was grim. When I was 30 weeks pg with dd2 I realised I really couldn;t face the hospital so I asked for a home birth. My gp was horrible about it. When I found myself walking along the street in tears at the thought of going back I realised that I had to do something about it. As it was I was lucky enough to be able to afford a private mw. so that's what I sorted out. If I hadn;t had the money I'd have gone back to my gp and jumped up and down til I got what I wanted. If there's one thing a bad birth does - it makes you a helluva lot more assertive second time around. My second time was physically a lot easier - managed without any pain relief at all. But the main thing was being confident and in control (despite the fact that my mw didn;t actully make it in time...but that's another story...). I knew what was happening, I knew it would be over at some stage, and I knew we would be ok - I wasn;t scared of the pain. I think you need to explore all the possible options for a second birth. does you area run a system where you have the same mw do your ante-natal apppointments as sees you at the birth? I know a few do and I think it's a fantastic way of giving someone confidence - knowing that there will be someone you know and trust. Could you contemplate a home birth (have to admit, don;t know if that 's do-able after a cs), or would a planned section work for you? What about the hospital choices - is there a mw-led unit. I know how terrifying it can be but there are choices for you to explore and second time around is nearly always easier and nearly always less frightening. If you are in London you could talk to the Birth Centre in Tooting (which is who I went with) - they are very passionate about what they do there - to the extent that they actually have a fund (or at least did a couple of years ago) for people who have had traumatic experiences first time around and who want no2 to be different. If you do have another, you'll get through the birth and may even find it a healing experience - a lot of people do.

It's only been about 7 months for me, though I am the same: I get so emotional when I have to talk about what I have been through, otherwise I am fine. It may be that you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I only found out about this recently on mumsnet, and I really fit the bill. Do a net search about PTSD, and see if it sounds like you. If it does get counselling with someone who specialises in PTSD, as I have been assured that approaching a new pregnancy/delivery without resolving the issues of the last one can make it all so much more worrisome and stressful for you. You aren't alone, there's lots of people out there feeling like this.

I think the memory of birth, especially if it didn't go to plan, stays with you. I remember being traumatised and resentful for quite sometime as was my best friend. 6 years on , i'm pregnant again and i'm still worried but am now in another country and worried about giving birth here and wishing for an nhs birth

I've had two and number three is 3 days overdue! The first two births were completely different, one slow 7lb 11.5, one too fast, 8lb 12! This baby is around the 10lb mark and I'm dreading it, but needless to say, they are all different, they have to come out and they are all worth it in the end! Don't let memories of your last one put you off having another, you may live to regret it!

I have had 3 Kids, first 2 pretty normal delieverys, and with my last one I was finally gonna have that Homebirth...but things went completely wrong and I ended up with an emergency C-section, after I dilated wonderfully to 10cm's at home....that Birth did take a lot out of me, cost me a lot of my selfworst, my selfesteem, and well...it took out just genreally all my recourses...but, if I ever would have another baby, I would go for a HBAC/Homebirth, because I know that a) I will generally get the most interventionless labour and b) the m/w's wioll be there 1 to one so of there is a prob they will be able to pick up in ample time!
But I may eather get a Independent m/w or a doula!

dear aideesmum - my labour with dd1 was very similar - except they managed to get her out with the ventouse, and the epi had worn off by that point so it was, shall we say, just a wee bit painful.It was seriously grim and I was very scared of doing it again. However i did, and had a home birth with an independent mid-wife - it was fine. The main thing was that both pre-labour and during labour I was more confident and in control. If you had a section this time you could opt for a planned section second time - which could be very calm and not at all like this time, or you could look for a sympathetic doctor and mw to help you have a vbac. The main point is that there are options for you to explore. Second time around you are wiser and it makes a huge difference. Please don;t be too scared to have a second.

god I'm a f-wit. just seen that I've alreasdy posted on this. derrr.

Hi there, not sure if you'll see this, but I had a virtually identical experience. i decided to employ a doula for my second labour and birth - and did ante-natal yoga. I ended feeling much more confident about the whole experience and after having contractions which were relatively easy to deal with for about 5 hours - I left for hospital and had a natural birth just under an hour later.
do all you can to make yourself feel confident - have people with you that you trust and I'm sure your experience will be much better this time.
I had a wonderful (if rather rushed and hectic!) time this time and felt elated for weeks afterwards.
All the VERY VERY best!

Aideesmum you had an awful time - I did too the 1st time. Find it very interesting to hear so many experiences of flashbacks, crying and feeling sick. Never heard anyone else who had same feelings as me before. I waited 5 years before I had another and it was a very different experience - I made sure the hospital were aware of the situation and I was treated with kid gloves and given a very experienced mw. How to stop you feelings - I found the only way was to keep telling people and almost re-living it until it was out of my system. X