Can someone talk to me about my birth experience please?

[BabyPain]

I'm a regular. Have NC. Naice ham, pombears etc.

My DD was born 14 weeks ago. I was induced on a Thurday and she was born on the Monday. I needed 3 pessaries, my waters broken manually and the syntocin drip turned up full. I started having strong contractions with the first pessary but they weren't doing anything really. I was given paracetamol and a heat pack although I did ask for stronger painkillers as I was stuck to the bed almost all of the time with DD's heart rate being monitored and she was back to back with me so it was agony being unable to move but I wasn't given any. When I got taken to the delivery suite to have my waters broken I was given juice to drink but that was all. At this point I had been contacting strongly for nearly 3 days and hadn't eaten in over 24 hours because I was stuck to the bed and couldn't get my own food. I had a 2nd degree tear which, although wasn't that bad, did get infected which was more painful than childbirth. My epidural didn't work, neither did the pethidine and the way DD had engaged meant that she was blocking my urethra and I was unable to pee. They were also unable to get a catheter in so my contractions and the pushing stage were really excruciating since my bladder was so full. I nearly needed an episiotomy which I have a huge fear of and the mw got her kit out complete with huge scissors and laid it all in front of me and I had a panic attack. After she was born, I lost a lot of blood and needed lots of internal and external stitches. They were going to take me to surgery so catheterised me but I didn't need it in the end, but the catheter wasn't removed for over 7 hours and I still have pain from it. My perineum still hurts (scar tissue is too tight) and I still have abdominal pain (feels like a huge bruise all over my belly). After she was born (3 in the morning and I had been awake for over 3 days) I was taken up to the ward at 6 and woken up at 7 because "it's time to get up" and they wouldn't let me sleep. I was also given absolutely no help with breastfeeding (ended up watching youtube videos to figure out how to do it) and really really struggled for the first couple of months of my DD's life.

Sorry it's so jumbled. Writing it down, it really doesn't seem so bad but I can't stop thinking about it and we're ttc number 2 but I'm terrified of giving birth again. I'm not sure what I want from this, I just had to get it written down.

Not so bad?!? You poor thing, I was wincing reading your OP. It saddens me when women feel ashamed about or minimise the absolute shit traumatic experience they've had to endure. I feel for you and definitely think you should speak to someone about it!

I had a pretty rough birth 5.5 months ago and honestly can't even think about sex right now, much less ttc! It's your body and your choice but like other posters mention, it might be good to recover physically and emotionally before no 2. You and your well being should be a priority!
Take care

Both me and my sister had an urge to get pregnant again a few months after giving birth. Thankfully, 6 months on neither of us did as we both agree it would have been absolute hell. Sorry, but at 14 weeks you are still too new to motherhood, still full of hormones and coping with a trauma, not a good time to make rational decisions. Trust me, once you've been through the monthsvof sleep regression and teething, you will be thanking god you're not pregnant yet. Please make contact with a specialist counselling service if the hospital cant help, I feel worried that you dismiss your feelings so readily. Part of being a good mum, is being kind and patient with yourself, and recognising your valid limitations, it's ok to be vulnerable and ask for help, its what makes us human.