What the hell do I do now? Refused repeat section

[Loopylouu]

I had my ds by elective section 11 years ago.

I am 29 weeks pregnant and finally saw a consultant today about having another. It was refused. Hospital policy apparently.

I was willing to literally sell everything to go private if I had to. Called the private consultants office today who I had met with when I was 9 weeks pregnant, she advised me to stay nhs as long as possible, until 36 weeks to cut costs. But now she is fully booked and can't take me on.

All the other private drs are a grand more expensive, I can't stretch to that.

I honestly don't know what to do. Mu husband is being am arsehole. His attiude is I'll just have to deal with it then.

I'm panicking and I don't know what to do. If is have known this was going to happen I may have re thought things at the beginning. I love my baby, I feel evil for saying that.

They won't. You just said it was 10 years ago. Things have changed a lot in that time, particularly in care for anxiety in childbirth. The NICE guidelines have changed understanding a lot in the 2 years since they were published. Like I say, you have to put your Trust in someone. You HAVE to, for you own sake. Its not just about getting an ELCS is it? It is about the potential of you getting PND. If you are too afraid of seeking mental health support now, what happens in that situation. You could be putting yourself and your baby at risk.

Sounds like you feel like you need to be in control and that if you admit that you are anxiety you are handing that control to someone else. Thats not necessarily true. Seeking help of your own free will actually counts to your advantage not against.

You need to find some support from somewhere as its seems to be you have very little and have been given poor advice / support from your private doctors which has in part left you in this situation.

I sympathise with how you feel about the anxiety route. After the birth of dd I was utterly suicidal and swore I would never ever have another baby. The whole thing ruined me and I didn't bond with her for about a year at least afterwards. I lived with my mum (we shared a house)and shamefully I basically let mum look after her rather than me have to do anything as every time I looked at her I remembered the birth. I was 24 and life felt like it was over. I ended up on 60mg citalopram and basically had an affair to escape from everything and then left my dh when dd was 6 months old. It was an awful time in my life. Really awful.

It took me ten years (until I met my now dh) and I decided that they might grant me a c section so I decided to try for another child. If I thought I wouldn't get a c section I would not have had ds. Brutal but true.

So I went down the mental health angle and argued. Ten years later for me too. They can't say you haven't been a good parent for ten years if your ds is still with you! (I made a good recovery from pnd and now take no medications and dd and I are very close and loving).

The c section was wonderful and worth fighting for. I had no pnd and no problems bonding with ds. (19 months now).

Do use the anxiety to argue your case. You won't get one just because you had one before.

LoopyLouu - this is outrageous!!!! You are more likely to suffer a uterine rupture and your baby is two to three times more likely to die with VBAC.

It says this in the RCOG guidance:

www.rcog.org.uk/files/rcog-corp/GTG4511022011.pdf

Moreover, your baby is much more likely to suffer oxygen starvation.

Try writing a letter to the consultant and copying it to members of the Board of the Trust and the local paper if you get anymore obstruction.

They deserve to be threatened - evil misogynists!

Good luck

Well dh has left me.

Said that there's something wrong with me, that the rest of the world seems to give birth without any issues and he's fed up of it.

There isn't anything wrong with you. There are LOADS of women who have similar problems. So much so that there are now a few midwives specialising in helping women with fear of childbirth. The fear is understandable when you start looking at in detail.

He is just being a coward and trying to blame you when he should be supporting you. He is ignorant.

I hope you are ok. Please look after yourself.

Oh my gosh! What an ARSE he is!

If that's his attitude you are better off on your own. How awful for you :( :(

My dh was nothing but supportive of my choice.

You deserve better.

I just feel sick to be honest.

He doesn't believe that any other woman has problems. He says they all go into hospital and are fine. He even said the classic "if it was so tough he first time round, why the hell did you want another baby".

Can you show him this thread and some of the others on here like this?

He's incredibly ignorant.

I am so so sorry. You are so much better off without that man, I promise!

There is support out there, please be honest with the people responsible for your care about your reasons for wanting a second section. Tell them the whole story about the HV who gave you problems before. They aren't the same people who you dealt with years ago, you aren't the same person, I am certain they will want to help you.

Where are you? I'm in the North East and had an ELCS (first baby), PM me if I can be any help.

Your dh is a massive prick. I have no experience of ELCS, but I just wanted to add another voice to the thread telling you that he is WRONG and the feelings you are having are not unusual or anything to be embarassed about.

I really hope you can find someone in real life to support you through this. Could you try to find another NHS GP and tell them everything? From what you've said you have parented your son for 10years now - I can't believe anyone would take your children away for something that happened so long ago (and that hv sounds awful anyway, the ones here are very supportive of anxiety/mh issues).

Loopy, I'm going to tell you think so you don't start questioning yourself.

Various pieces of research in different countries has found that debilitating fear of childbirth affects between 1 in 10 and 1 in 6 women. Many decide never to have children because of it. Helen Mirren has publicly come out and said this.

I have the same problem. I have had to go and get support from HCP for it. I managed to find someone who specialised in it, and they have been brilliant. This is on the NHS. This is before getting pregnant. They have taken me seriously. They told me this is common, that they have seen lots of women with similar problems. He told me that there is a spectrum of fear which everyone is on; its just some women are at the more extreme end of it - and its a perfectly natural and understandable thing. The reasons behind why some women are prone to it than others are logical and predictable.

It should be treated with respect like PND is.

I've lost count of how many threads there are on MN like this. If you start to question yourself just search ELCS under childbirth.

Its NORMAL. DO NOT LET THAT MAN GET TO YOU OVER THIS.

Wow, what a monumental eejit your H is. So sorry

In my experience they are now pretty understanding about MH issues/ fears associated with giving birth so if you argue it from that angle you are much more likely to get your section on the NHS. My consultant booked me in for one based on family history of similarly small women struggling to have a VB. In the end I went into labour, but had an EMCS. I do understand your reluctance to mention past problems but they are not going to take your DC away due to interference from HVs and SS 10 years ago.

He said he had been supportive because he let me make all the decisions and was willing to let me pay private for a section. But tonight he said he didn't want me to waste money so I couldn't.

He left me because I'd said I'd been saving little bits since ds was small, before I'd even met him. He said that makes me sound weird and mental and that he might as well just be a sperm donor.

It's not weird or mental, it's responsible good planning based on your past experience.

Do not let him convince you that you're wrong in any way here. He's so wrong.

Can ou get over o the relationships board for a bit of practical advice and handholding?

I think some of the regulars on there might have some robust advice about your husband to go with the excellent help you are getting here.

Loopy, I'm worried about you so had a look through your posting history. I've just seen you posted a few days ago about a VBAC and were considering it. I've also seen you believe you have ante-natal depression. And that what has been going on with your husband has been going on for some time and that he is a monumental emotionally abusive twat.

Please look at this as a new start to find your old self. This is definitely THE best thing that could have happened to you from the sound of what you've put before.

Do not believe him when he says he's been supportive. Any man who clicks their fingers in your face to get your attention or to get you to do something is not interested in you and your best interests.

Its not up to him to 'let you' pay for a section or tell you can't. Is the money yours or in a joint account. I would be getting down the bank smartish tomorrow if its a joint account.

It does not make you sound weird to save for years for a section. I considered doing the same, but due to my location it wasn't a viable option and I didn't have enough time to save anyway.

Get anything he's said to you out of your head. He's poison.

Just read this whole thread. How are you this morning Loopy?

Crap to be honest.

I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I held it together to drop ds to school, but I can't stop crying. He's hurt me so much.

I felt like driving my car into a wall this morning, but I couldn't do that to my ds, it would destroy his life.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid? I know you're wary of involving MW etc at the moment, but WA might be able to offer you both some practical and emotional support, which it sounds like you could do with.

I think that you are having to cope with a couple of really difficult things at the moment, which anyone would find really hard. Perhaps try to seperate them out a bit in your head? It is something which I do when I am feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

So, there are the issues with your H. It honestly sounds like you will be better off without him from what Red posted, but I understand that it is still very hard for you. I think Women's Aid will be able to provide you with some really good support for this, and they are non-judgmental and will be led by you, so you can be in control of how much help and support you receive from them.

Then, there is the issue of your birth. I think as others have said, at some point you are going to need to confide in someone about your anxiety and where this stems from. But, that doesn't have to happen today.

I'm sorry that you are so hurt and upset today.

their physically not allowed to refuse a section, at any hospical. due to the NICE guidelines a few years ago they changed it so if a women desires she can have a csec. I had one with my first for personal reasons and it took untill 36 weeks but finally they stopped trying to persuade me otherwise. plus defnitley if you have had a previous csec they should if anything be advising you for another as its alot less risky! x

Loopy, your not mad but you know that.

Your DH is totally clueless, and frankly who cares what he thinks.

You have a baby coming shortly you need to concentrate on that and getting the result you want.

I know you are scared by past HV but I agree with RT that you need to say you feel traumatised by thoughts of VB and you do not want one.

I would also enlist help of Pals, and if you feel this badly, write to your local MP.

I have known of different consultants within one hospital having very different ideas on sections.

Perhaps also call Birth Trauma Assct see what they say,

Do not despair and do not give up.

Some consultants are just very opposed to sections, if it helps you, write down a list of reasons. Don't worry about getting upset, I cried when talking to my consultant about it, even my mum who was with me cried because I was so upset!

They cannot force you to give birth in a way which you don't want, the problem is that labour is natures default so then of course it's natural to be terrified of going into labour. The psychological ramifications of that are unfair to you, nobody should be AFRAID of labour. Apprehensive, nervous, but not afraid.

The guidelines were changed not so that people could be too posh to push, but so that women who for whatever reason felt they NEEDED a section could access that care.

Please don't give up. We'll be here for you in the meantime.

Thanks so much everyone.

Dh is back home.

When dh left, he went to a colleagues house (his line manager actually).

From what he's said, his colleagues wife gave him both barrels. She has had three children and he said she told him exactly how horrific childbirth and pregnancy can be. He said she gave him great detail of all thre of her births, both VB and EMCS and the emotion surrounding them. How lots of women have difficties, have birth trauma, his it's not like you see on the telly, how she was in labour for two days, exhausted and at points terrified.

She told him what I did, but he's never heard it from anyone else. He always said that he didn't think it was bad as you never hear the women at work talking about their difficulties. Apparently she said the same thing I told him - that you don't exactly stand around the coffee machine discussing your torn and stitched labia.

His manager has told him to take the day off so we will talk later. I'm sat in the bath, I'm still exhausted and at the moment I can't be bothered.

I called the hospital yesterday and I have rearranged my drs appointment for a second opinion to the day I know the private dr I saw (who said she'd be happy to see me on the nhs if she could) is working. Who knows if they will let me see her when I get there, but I have to try. I am hoping she will be sympathetic.

Is till want to change hospitals, but I'll see her first and see what she says.

I was considering vbac last week. I am terrified of a section too - the edipidural last time was hell on earth, I've never been in so much pain as when they were putting that in. But then, the dr said that they would put in an epidural for the vbac too just incase things go wrong, so if I had to go through that anyway, I'd rather have a section.

Can I applaud that lady, though I do think you have a hell of a lot else to sort out with your partner.

I know I do. This whole pregnancy/birth thing is just the tip of the iceberg.