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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Do fathers have a legal right to be at the birth?

85 replies

Mummy2014 · 05/01/2014 22:14

Just above really.

My ex left me at 7 months, but still wants to be involved with the baby. My due date is Wednesday & I have always said his actions between him leaving & when I go into labour would determine whether he was at the birth or not. Well, he's been very hot & cold with me, supportive 1 minute, ignoring my messages the next.
At present I don't feel like I want him at the birth, but when I said this to him he said I have no right to not allow him, and by doing that I am refusing to let him see his child. Which I am not!
My feelings after the birth do not matter, it's what's best for our child & I have always wanted them to have contact & a stong relationship!

He has been threatening to take me to court etc if he is not allowed at the birth, Would / could this go against me if it gets that far?

Sorry for the rant / long winded message

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WTFlike · 06/01/2014 09:16

You said My feelings after the birth do not matter.

They do, you know! Lots.

Best of luck.

Original poster

Mummy2014 · 06/01/2014 10:06

Thank you all.

I just want to put my feelings aside for the sake of my baby, whilst I dislike this "sperm donor" I don't want my feelings to affect the relationship he has with the baby.

He's now talking over night access, having baby on his own for a few hours, not a chance! He needs to lean how to care for baby first! ! I'm going to try breastfeeding, even though this is my first I know I could potentially be feeding every hour & he doesn't get it! Pfffft! xx

OP posts:

marthabear · 06/01/2014 19:38

Agree with all the others. He is bullying you. He has no rights at all when it comes to being at the birth. Choose someone you feel comfortable and safe with. Mind and body are so linked that having such a negative presence at the birth would not be wise. I agree with all the birth certificate comments too. Be as kind to yourself as you can during the rest of your pregnancy.

marthabear · 06/01/2014 19:40

Sounds like you need to distance yourself from him and deal with sensible contact at some point in the future. Oh , and the 'Food of Love' book to prepare for breastfeeding is fab by the way !

NatashaBee · 06/01/2014 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1974rach · 07/01/2014 12:39

What a dick!

Tell him to do one. And as for having the baby on his own ...yeah right whatever...he is deluded. Would happily pop round and smack him in the chops for you, just say the word lovey.

Original poster

Mummy2014 · 07/01/2014 23:33

Well the delightful tw*t decided to tell me tonight, the night before my due date that he has a new girlfriend!!

As if!!

So if I was in 2 minds about him bein at the birth, he has settled it for me - he is most definately not being there & I am not even tellin him when I'm in labour!

What a complete & utter toss pot ! (Some much stronger words have been used this evening lol!)

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 07/01/2014 23:37

He is a WANKBADGER!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 07/01/2014 23:53

He's a cock isn't he? Please don't have him with you. He won't help. Do you have someone supportive and calm to be with you instead?

Original poster

Mummy2014 · 08/01/2014 05:06

I'm so so lucky that I have my families full support & they all live really close, so it will either be my mum or my sister.

Never ever thought my life would end up like his :(

But.......must stay strong. Happy due date to me & baby :) xx

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 08/01/2014 08:32

Yes- happy due date!

lunar1 · 08/01/2014 08:49

Happy due date mummy!

Glad to are resolved to not letting him in. I will probably be flamed for this but with all the games he is playing, saying he has a girlfriend when you are at your due date I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate.

It sounds like he would be one to start trying to play happy families with your baby and some poor random woman he drags into all this. If he settles down after the baby arrives and proves to have his child's interests at heart you can always sort out his PR when your child is a little older.

Good luck, hope you are not kept waiting too long!

1974rach · 08/01/2014 08:56

Your life is about to change lovey and it will be amazing. Your little one is going to bring you so much joy.

I understand that you want your ex to be a dad but for now concentrate on you. Draw strength from those around you and do not let yourself be bullied.

He is, biologically, a father but proving that he has the emotional capability to be a father to your child is quite another matter.

I would agree with pp that you should speak to a solicitor, but for now rest up and get ready for your little one.

Happy Due Date

Lioninthesun · 08/01/2014 09:01

Morning OP. I let my ex in for the birth as he kept going on about it and how important it was to him and a lifetime memory to treasure, etc ec then he disappeared and got a new g.f when DD was mo and I am torn as to whether it was a good idea or not.
He was a complete pain throughout my 3 day labour; from boring the midwives silly in my kitchen, to talking about missing children, stealing my gas and air, generally acting bored and tired and grumpy and then, when we were transferred to hospital he turned up raging that the MW's had forgotten him (somehow my fault) and he had had to pay £50 for a taxi....it went on and on. Luckily I managed to laugh at/with him and didn't get angry, but I strongly suspect that was down to my lovely doula who was giving me the giggles with her 'looks' . I think the C-section freaked him out considerably (he was ex army and it still surprises me at how green and flappy he went during it) and he felt pretty powerless (complications) but I do believe he will never forget holding DD for the first time. I have to hope that somehow this made all of the crap he put me through before, during and after the birth worth it.
The only sure thing I have from it is that he can never say he wasn't allowed at the birth because of ME. All of his actions are on him, and I haven't stopped him seeing her at any point (other than when he was drunk or 3 hours late - back when he pretended to care for DD).
Bit of a ramble, but thought I should post to give you my story, in case it affects how you see your own happening.
After posting all of that, I think leave the fecker behind, actually!

Lioninthesun · 08/01/2014 09:03

Oh and I forgot to add the MW's kept him in a separate room from me for hours as he was apparently impeding my dilation. I never fully dilated (only got to 7 after 3 days and A LOT of oxytocin) and suspect that this was because I was focusing on him and his whining nearly completely throughout.

Serobin · 08/01/2014 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 09:48

People are not recommending she never puts him on the cert - just he hasn't proven himself in anyway responsible and helpful so far. When he does, people are suggesting that parental rights etc can be sorted then. Perhaps it's not the most noble approach but it's certainly the most pragmatic one - she doesn't have to be a martyr about this at all, nor him for that matter. Parenthood lasts a lifetime there is plenty time to see he earns the title. I am quite sure he will step up and be a good father, in which case it could all be sorted by the childs' first birthday and be irrelevant. Imo anyway.

CouthyMow · 08/01/2014 10:02

Not been here for a while, but just to mention that now, even if a Father is not named on the Birth Certificate, it is no barrier whatsoever to them getting Parental Responsibility (PR).

All they have to do is go to Court, request a DNA test, done by a simple cheek swab, and if the DNA proves Parentage, they automatically get PR awarded despite not being named on the Birth Certificate.

If they are the biological Father, and there are no concerns that he will hurt the child (irrespective of whether he is likely to hurt the Mother), then they automatically get PR now.

Just to dispel any myths on that.

As for the actual question, no, there is no way he can force his presence on you during your labour. If you tell the midwives that you do NOT want him allowed in the room, they will keep him out. And if he causes a scene about that, they will have him removed by hospital security, and/or call the police!

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 08/01/2014 10:06

He is going to miss the woman he left when she was 7 months pregnant with his child going through a serious medical procedure where she needs to stay focussed for herself and the child.

This isn't something the OP is depriving him of - he took the decision to leave and to act like a twat thereafter.

CouthyMow · 08/01/2014 10:13

No Court will give him overnight contact with a breast fed baby that us under a year old. Legally even the Courts have to be seen to promote breast feeding. Been there with my DS3, as I split up with his Father when he was 4 months old. He got laughed out of the Court room basically. He wasn't allowed to take him away from me for more than 2 hours at a time until he was 7 months old, as I was his food source and he was a bottle refuser. Then 3 hours at a time until he was 9 months old, then 4-5 hours at a time until DS3 was 1yo.

Most of the Court Ordered contact was that my Ex was to come to my home 2-3 evenings a week, for 2-3 hours an evening, to see him. It was my choice to allow him into my home, I didn't have to - I was given the choice of using a Contact Centre but turned it down. I was fine having my Ex at mine, you don't have to be.

ALSO no Court is allowed to order you to allow your Ex to 'top up' his breast feeds with formula for access, OR to force you to express, as not everybody can express enough.

The power here is with what is best for your child, not with your Twunt of an Ex.

Your Ex is mistaking the right of your CHILD to see both parents as a right for HIM to see your child. He's got a few shocks coming if he tries to go through the Courts!

JugglingIntoANewYear · 08/01/2014 10:24

Happy due date Mummy
And glad you've made a firm decision on this - think your Mum or your Sister will be much more supportive to you.
I had a long wait with mine mind you - 10 days and 8 days over - but I didn't mind at all.
We'll all be thinking of you over the next week or two x

Original poster

Mummy2014 · 08/01/2014 13:18

Thank you all for your replies.

I will name on him on the birth certificate, he is the father & I don't want my baby questioning why I didn't add him later in life. That said however, the baby is having my last name.

Whilst it bothers me he will be missing the birth of his first child, he has shown little or no concern for my welfare since leaving at 7 months & to be honest, labour is about mine & the babies needs, and nothing to do with his ego.
He is the person who left me nearly homeless, has provided no financial support for the baby things I have bought, and even turned round in mothercare the other day "I'm gona ask the cashier for her number, she's fit" he claims to say these things to wind me up & stress me, if he finds it so easy to do that now, what other stupid things will he say or do in labour!?

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 08/01/2014 13:27

Completely up to you re birth cert - but remember he has to actually turn up if he is going on it. My ex didn't bother!
Also he can then stop you from leaving the country and other things, if he is on it. I was pretty glad he wasn't in the end.

Layter · 08/01/2014 13:46

Good luck for your due date 2014!

I chose not to have my ex at the birth of our child, and it was definitely the best thing to do. I had the perfect experience -very chilled out and unstressy. With him there I know that would have been different. This is YOUR moment, far more critical for you to relax and bond.

I am breastfeeding and he has realised that he won't get much time with dd for a year or more. We meet once a week at a cafe and that's his time with her, I will adapt this as time changes things.

Same as you, he's on the birth certificate but dd has my name. If it helps I think that as separated parents we are doing very well for ds and dd, together we were dreadful.

Put him to the back of your mind op, put yourself first.

PinkandGreenStripes · 08/01/2014 17:24

Good luck OP.

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