Hi all, sorry for the long title (and post), just hoping to attract the attention of anyone in the same boat, or anyone who has been there done that and can reassure me. Any similar stories (with happy endings?) would be great right now!
I had quite a fast delivery in September, first baby, waters broke 2 weeks early and went into early labour a few hours later, I was in the latent phase for about 9/10 hours, then less than 3 hours from 4cms through to birth - I pushed about 5 times and she was out. However, I pushed hard as I wanted it to be over, and I tore, about a 2nd degree perineal tear. They didn't stitch it and a few days later I had my first BM (aren't they fun ladies!) and started bleeding heavily again and felt a real 'heaviness' down there. Started reading online and literally went into a blind panic about having a prolapse, my DH rang NHS who got me an appointment the next day. Doc said I'd re-opened my tear and had some vaginal prolapse but 4 days pp every woman has that and 'give it time'. So then I went through a few weeks of hell with mastitis, bleeding, broken nipples, a baby not gaining weight, rectal bleeding which terrified me (went to hospital, they could find no cause of it) and also we moved house which was hard work. I'm sure people have much worse times, but we have no maternal support (my mum has deserted me and his mum is 'punishing' us (long story)) so also being antagonised by family and left totally alone. So rather blue. Then about 4/5 weeks pp I 'had a look' down there as I still felt 'heavy' and froze in terror when I saw some pale pink flesh blocking my 'hole' when I stood over the mirror. I just knew I had a prolapse.
Went to a lovely female doc who confirmed I had a 'mild' cystocele, "very common, it will go away in time, yadder yadder yadder, just do pelvic floor exercises". But, I couldn't even feel my pelvic floor let alone contract it. I was in so much pain, my external 'bits' felt achey and stung to high heaven if I moved, I could barely walk 100 yards without needing to hold myself 'together' or sit down. I was on painkillers for weeks on end. And I was trying to contract my PF frantically so I found myself 'squeezing' all day long, to the point my shoulders were hunched, my teeth were clenched...I ached all over. Meanwhile I was reading online about cystocele and slipping into what I now feel was a dangerously depressed state. Websites like Whole Woman which basically say pelvic floor exercise does nothing, you need to adopt a whole new lifestyle and stance to 'manage' the prolapse and prevent basically all your organs eventually falling out. One night in particular I remember just looking at my screaming baby and thinking 'you've ruined my life'. I know that sounds AWFUL, and I absolutely love my baby I would die for her, but I was so tired, and so depressed, I couldn't sit or walk or stand, and was just thinking, I will never run, make love or dance again. I'm 29. What life is that?
So I rang the doc again and asked to see a physio, this time a male doc who was very patronising and actually quite rude, but my crying got my physio appointment. The physio said she could feel me contracting my muscles (just about) and to just keep at it and that about 50% of women have a cystocele but maybe don't feel it as much (how?!). She also felt substantial scar tissue on the back wall which she couldn't identify the cause of (could've been what caused my rectal bleed...the docs just don't check properly do they) and said that will give me problems with my bowels (passing stools is horrible, I'm on fybogel all the time now to make it bearable)
That was a month ago, I haven't been doing my PF religiously as my baby has been ill which you will all know is very hard, then I got ill too, even harder, but I do the exercises when I can, I walk a lot, and I had been feeling an improvement. Until I got my period, which was debilitating and then I couldn't even stand again, let alone walk, the pain in my external parts was agony. Likewise, we had sex for the first time and I felt ruined afterwards, really 'open'. And then yesterday I went to the gym, tried to ignore that irritating sensation of my inside walls flapping together and dropping out, but lo and behold I get home and I have spotting (period ended several days ago) and was aching down below.
And now today after 30 mins walk I had to sit down and 'rest' my lady parts....it's like I'm back to where I was 3 weeks post partum when its been almost 14 weeks?
Sometimes I am trying to comfort my DD at night and can't stand up to rock her and end up in tears myself and have to pass her to my DH before I lose it. I feel I am failing her and also feel devastated that no-one tells you this is 'the norm' - and if it's not 'the norm' then why is there not more help around? I cannot believe this will ever improve, everyone says 'six weeks', well its been 13 and I feel like a 70 year old woman hobbling around with my 'prolapse'. And all I have to look forward to is things getting worse? Great!
I do adore my baby and am so so grateful to have her and if this is the sacrifice I pay then I will, I have friends who can't conceive or have had miscarriages, I know its a small price compared to that, but it IS a shock and my life has changed and I just feel so alone as my DH cannot understand at all, and all my friends just seemed to bounce back. I am 2 stone heavier than I was and my breasts are covered in stretch marks but I don't care at ALL about that stuff, just want to be remotely 'myself' again and not feel this 'thing' all time. :-(
If ANYONE else is going through this I could really do with a kindred spirit, and if anyone has gone through this and HAS improved, I could really do with the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs to all you post-partum mums who are suffering xx