Fourth degree tear and other issues

[sksk]

Long post and TMI, and possibly a bit confusing/all over the place!

I gave birth to DS in August (He is 20 weeks old now) and suffered a 4th degree tear. Labour and birth were not how I had hoped and the tear affected me quite a bit- not immediately, but once everything had sunk in, I really started to feel upset at what had happened. I also had recurrent infection from the repair and multiple visits to the hospital. I have sent a complaint to the hospital regarding some of the issues in triage and on the post natal ward. Breastfeeding didn't go as well as I had hoped though I did manage to give him some breast milk until he was 14 weeks old. He is now teething, poor thing and we had an awful night last night. His nights are a lot more like he was when he was a newborn! He doesn't sleep through anyway and I don't expect he will anytime soon. In terms of the tear, things have improved, medically speaking; I see a physiotherapist, but I'm not sure if the wind incontinence will ever go away, and I still have some faecal urgency. There is scar tissue present and things still feel a bit tender down there. I'm exhausted and I feel so awful when I get upset at my baby for waking up or when I can't console him as he is otherwise a really fabulous baby and I just melt when he smiles at me. I have real apprehensions about resuming physical relations with DH and, to be honest, I don't feel "sexual" anymore. I feel a real muddle of emotions and sometimes just feel tearful. In fact, I burst into tears the other day when DS was inconsolable, and, strangely, he stopped crying when I started! It's just really difficult to envisage things getting better- I never get any household tasks fully done, I still have his clothes that are too small and my maternity clothes all over the place and I feel really disorganised.
I guess everyone's experience is different and different women 'bounce back' really quickly. I am always tired and I don't feel like socialising much (I take DS to a baby sensory class once a week).
Am I just going through a bit of a rough phase, what with the teething, lack of sleep etc? Does anyone else have any experiences they can share? Thank you!

It sounds like a little post bagel depression, but might be worth speaking to the docs?
And stuff the house, forgot it, go for a walk in the park, go to your local childrens center and meet people like you! I did a 0-1s group when my dd was born and it reLly helped to know that everyone else wasn't just swanning around with their angelic baby! I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run!!

Post bagel depression? natal!!

Post bagel depression it IS awful when you've finished all the bagels.

I just wanted to say that so much of what you're experiencing is just normal mum stuff. It took me ages to just accept the housework was going to be done piecemeal, the whole house would never be totally clean at the same time and jobs would only be done up to the point at which they were bearable to live with rather than fully finished! You are 20 weeks in to sleep deprivation which is taking its toll, but again, normal. When you have time you just want to sit and stare into space rather than organise stuff.

Tips:

Get a cleaner if at all possible.
Lower your standards drastically, in terms of your expectations of yourself. If you sort out one small pile of clothes in a fortnight, that's brilliant. If you go out and get into two shops, well done! Etc
Keep antibacterial wipes in bathroom and kitchen. Wipe round once a day whilst bath is running or whilst kettle boiling.
Block out a weekend to sort through the clutter that is annoying you with DH. Put music on, have a nice breakfast made by DH then just sort out the clothes and things that are irritating you.
Get DH to get up two hours before he needs to go to work and take the baby. You sleep for those two hours. If he can get out for a twenty minute walk with him, he'll prob sleep with you when he gets back. I stayed in bed til 10am some days with this method.
Put bouncy chair in bathroom and have a shower every morning before doing anything else.
Get out and socialise every day. Even if you don't feel like it. Have you got some antenatal class buddies? Just see them. Even if you sit and smile like an idiot. The house can't annoy you if you're not in it.

The thing about coping is that we think it works like this - you think you can cope with going out, sorting house out etc so you do it. Actually, usually you do the stuff first and THEN realise you can cope with it.

Good luck x

Brilliant tips from Hardertokidnap, especially getting a cleaner. Everything you are saying sounds so totally normal new mum stuff. Its really hard work. As soon as you get your head round one stage the little tikes embark on something new!

You are not alone don't forget. I used to sit up at night feeding my little ones, whilst my DH snored blissfully unaware, thinking about all the other parents across the world up at night feeding/comforting their little ones. The rest of the world is not asleep I promise!!

14 weeks is amazing for breastfeeding! You should be so proud of yourself.

The 4th degree tear is really tough for you, of course it will take a while to get back to normal. I had a 3rd degree and the thought of DH coming anywhere near me filled me with horror and panic and pain. Give yourself time, don't forget to kiss and cuddle your partner, its a blissful way to fall asleep if nothing else. I was so busy kissing & cuddling my babies I think DH felt somewhat neglected - don't fall into the same trap as me...

Take care - don't for get you are doing an amazing job your little one is lucky to have such an adoring loving mum.

I had a 4th degree tear 2 years ago with my DS. I could have written your post at the same stage post birth. You do sound very much like how i felt, the immediate dust has settled and now you are left feeling broken, tired, sore and like you will never be the same again, and every other new mum seems to have recovered and slimmed back into their size 10 jeans. I wont lie, you have a long road ahead, time really does help but for now just take it one day at a time. Things really will improve.

Please speak to your gp to arrange some counselling, it will give you a safe space to speak about the birth and deal with all the emotions that you will be feeling. I had (and still have on occasion) the why did this happen to me moments. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and post natal depression. It can be very lonely in real life as most people dont understand how horrible it is dealing with faecal & stress & urgency incontinence. Simple check ups are not pleasant and take a lot out of you emotionally.

Also, you can arrange to go through your notes from the birth with an independent midwife. If you contact PALS at the hospital they will be able to arrange this. I found this really helpful. Speak to your partner about it, as they were there with you and it may help you understand some things. I questioned whether having an epidural was partly to blame for me and my DH told me straight away that i needed that epidural, there was no way i could have got through without it so that helped me to know that i did make the right choice at that time.

There is a great support thread in general health, called Raggedies, we are a lovely bunch who have all been through similar births and can offer some really good practical advice about scars, pelvic floor reconstruction and other TMI subjects. And please feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Thanks for all the help and advice and encouragement. I wrote the post when I was feeling particularly upset and feel slightly better now. We had planned to clear the clutter this weekend, but, well, decided against it as we had other things to do- mainly trying to rest! DH refuses getting a cleaner at this time , maybe when I go back to work, but I doubt he will agree then. Might have to argue it out!
Yes, DH does feel left out at times, and I'm just not interested in anything beyond a kiss and hug at this time. Bouncy chair in the bathroom is the only way I can shower in peace during the week- aren't they great inventions!
Sadly I didn't do any NCT classes and just did the rubbish one day hospital one. I don't see that I'll be making close friends with anyone from baby sensory classes, but I really find it difficult to get him to more than one class a week. He does see his grandparents everyday and that gives me a chance to have a hot cup of tea or get some cleaning done. Or do nothing if I want!
The sleep deprivation is indeed taking its toll; I didn't sleep well for most of my pregnancy and I'm the sort of person that wants everything done last week (DH is very last minute). DS arrived 2 days early-I went into labour on the second day after I finished work.
I am hoping he sleeps better soon. We did have a better night last night and the night before .
cravingcake, are there any active posts on Raggedies?

I didn't do NCT either but I started going to a local play group at the church where I started meeting people I am still friends with now.

I used to go to The Big Scream once a week, baby friendly film screenings. I could watch all the latest films & meet people too. Do you have one near you? I think most cinemas offer it nowadays?

Thanks toastandmarmite - I haven't looked into it, weekends are usually a bit of a relief for me as hubby is around and I can at least hand DS to him when he is screaming waiting for a feed rather than putting him in his rocker. To be honest, I am just so exhausted! Hubby does sometimes drag me out to do something as little as grocery shopping etc while DS is with grandparents, just so we get a little time to spend together. We were supposed to go for a coffee or something every Saturday (kind of like a 'date') but that never really panned out! I will look into the local play groups again-the council did send me something but I can't find the leaflet!
I would have been useless if I was around in our mothers'/grandmothers/ time- I'm struggling to keep on top of things now but they didn't even have washing machines, dishwashers, disposable nappies and hubbies didn't help in those days! Not to mention more children!