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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Can I backtrack out of a silly suggestion I made?

21 replies

SpringChicken · 01/03/2004 15:17

Just wondering as i made a suggestion to DP when we first found out i was pregnant and am now starting to regret it a little.

My suggestion was that DP's mum drove us to the hospital when labour started - however, DP's mum then took it that we want her to actually be at the birth - probably down to the way i worded it when talking to her about it.
From talking to DP we decided it wasn't such a bad thing if his mum happened to be there, however, recently i am well and truely going off the idea.

I ideally wanted it to be Myself and DP at the birth - DP's mum is so excited about seeing her granchild born but tbh honest if there had to be someone else there other than myself and DP i would much prefer my mum to be there.

Although my mum hasn't said anything about it, i know deep down she is hurt at the thought of DP's mum being at the birth and her not and tbh i can understand that - i think i would feel the same if it was my daughter having her first baby.

Anyway, question is what do i do about it? Haven't mentioned to DP as yet as i don't want him to think that it is a case of wanted my mum and not his & i don't want to hurt his feelings or anyone elses for that matter.
Why o why do i open my big mouth ?!?!?!?

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twiglett · 01/03/2004 15:21

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M2T · 01/03/2004 15:21

SC - Are you allowed to have 2 people in the room for the birth?? Most hospitals only allow one person at a time and definitely only one for the actual delivery. Could you just tell her that. Say that you're really sorry that she can't be there, but that she can pop in every now and again to let your DP go to the loo etc etc. She can't argue with hospital procedure (whether it's true or not. ) AND you Mum could come along too and have a wee half hour sitting with you.

There..... everybody is happy!

dinosaur · 01/03/2004 15:21

SC - I think you need to talk to DP's mum - if you are not comfortable with the idea of her being there, you must sort it out.

Are you sure you even want her to drive you to hospital? I remember being advised that you shouldn't go to hospital until the contractions are bad enough that you can't really talk properly any more - do you want her to see you in that state?

M2T · 01/03/2004 15:22

Ooops - Twiglett said it with much less rambling!

Blackduck · 01/03/2004 15:23

Blimey...sounds like my idea of hell...Really wouldn't want anyone other than dp (and half the hospital in my case...) there...
I think you have 3 options (although wise MN's will doubtless come up with more..)

Tell her straight (cringe......!)- say you really don't want her to see you doing the labour thing!
Lie - say the hospital only allows one birth partner....
Hope it comes early and then don't tell her til its all over!

Janh · 01/03/2004 15:25

Could you explain to your mum exactly how it happened, that you never really intended to have any grandmas there and if you did you would rather have her, but that DP's mum got the wrong end of the stick so could your mum maybe help you explain to DP's mum (and DP) (but without mentioning your preference!) that you'd rather it was just the 2 of you in the delivery room and both the grandmas wait outside? That way she should stop feeling hurt and be glad you need her to help with this sticky situation?

Good luck!

handlemecarefully · 01/03/2004 15:27

twiglett's suggestion is spot on - job done!

Blu · 01/03/2004 15:28

I can completely understand your feelings SpringChicken, and think that you do need to take action rather than just let it happen.
Hospital labour rooms are very cramped, and often all you wnat is privacy and a very intimate environment. Could you say honesltly and openly to your MIL that you are really greatful for her offer, but in truth you feel you would prefer to be alone with DP? Or start by saying you're v greatful for her offer, and it would be excellent if she could be on stand-by in case it goes on for hours and dp fades out etc, but that you and he can manage? SURELY she will be sensitive and supoprtive of what YOU want? Also tell your Mum it evolved out of a bit of a misunderstanding, and that what you actally are planning is just you and dp. Just be swwet and honest and be greatful for the willingness to help but now that you are closer to the date, your nesting instincts are telling you that you would like as few people as possible present. (that is certainly how I felt. Labour is NOT a spectator sport, and the best way of approaching it is deep inside your own mind, IME!). Good luck!

Original poster

SpringChicken · 01/03/2004 15:38

Thanks everyone - trouble is she has made reference to it a few times since, like mentioning how excited she is and telling people she is going to be there - both DP and i have just sat there and smiled like goons

I think it is hospital policy that only one person can be in the delivery room with you which is a bit of a result - think i will use this one and then mention that i would love for her to be at the hospital on standby along with my mum should DP need a break or pass out (The latter being quite likely with my DP).

Problem being my mum was at the birth of my nephew by complete mistake - SIL gave birth within about 15 minutes of being at the hospital and mum was there by complete fluke - DP's mum knows this and think she might try and muscle her way in.

Will talk to DP tonight and see what he thinks - i'm sure he would just prefer it to be the 2 of us in there too - it's a bloody pain trying to keep everyone happy.
I personally think we should just ring everyone when the baby has arrived rather than telling them when i go into labour and have them waiting around and worrying - why did i even mention her taking us to the hospital ?!?

OP posts:

Blackduck · 01/03/2004 15:42

Springchicken....re the last bit of your post - that's exactly what we did (admitted I was induced so I did know when it was going to happen...I just failed to tell anyone else!) I knew dp's mother would be camped out on the doorstep otherwise....as it was, she got there as soon as humanly possible after the birth! I didn't see the point of telling everyone as we had no idea how long it might take, so they might as well get some rest, even if you aren't!

M2T · 01/03/2004 15:42

SC - Don't worry about her muscling her way in. She won't get past the door unless you are on your own a specifically say she can be. Why don't you have a word with the hospital nearer your due date and explain that MIL will perhaps try to barge in on the birth..... they'll be firm. It's not your fault that the hospital has this procedure.... whether she likes it or not she CAN'T be there at the birth.

Oh and I'd leave it to your DP to explain to her. She's his Mum and you've got your own to deal with.

M2T · 01/03/2004 15:44

One more point SC - I was really surprised at how strict the hospitals are as I'd never had a hospital stay before then. It's like a military regime.

motherinferior · 01/03/2004 15:47

SC, my mum rang while I was in labour last time and DP just told her I was having a little rest and couldn't come to the phone!

Stick to your guns, love. Labour is quite enough to take without extra people there (says woman who had half King's Hospital round her first time round!)

Original poster

SpringChicken · 01/03/2004 15:53

Thanks again - i do feel a bit better about it now.
I was making myself feel terrible thinking that DP's mum would be there and my mum wouldn't - we are so close i would hate for her to feel hurt or pushed aside.

A thought that has just popped into my head - i am due 10th July and DP's mum is on holiday until 11th July so..........if this baby is good and comes nice and early i wont have that to worry about.
Anyway, will defo talk to DP about it tonight just in case - hopefully if baby is late, the action will start in the middle of the night and then we can use the excuse that we didn't want to disturb her in the middle of the night

OP posts:

Beetroot · 01/03/2004 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

prufrock · 01/03/2004 16:12

My "Labour" went on for 44 hours (induced and never actually managed to dilate). We told my Mum that I was going in to be induced so she hot ffoted it the 200+ miles to hospital. I did have my Mum, Dad and sister in with me at various points, more to provide a break for dh, but was quite open about when I wanted them to go (I think my exact words to my Mum were "Can't you just leave me alone"
It is perfectly acceptable for you to not want your MIL there. It would be perfectly acceptable for you to want your own Mum there instead. Get your dh to tell her

Helsbels · 01/03/2004 16:20

Jems, how do you do it?!!! IMO I only wanted dh there - well I didn't even want him there until the day - hell - I didn't want to be there myself!. Pregnancy is a difficult, stressful period and you do not need any more stress. Sort it out now as tactfully as possible and with dps help but get it sorted. You will worry and it will fester. Also, if you tell her now, she will have time to get over it. Good luck sweetie

Blu · 01/03/2004 16:32

yeah - get your dp very much on your side in this by telling him that you only want him and you want it to be a special thing that only you two share. I wouldn't have them waiting outside, either: it'll only feel like pressure.

Original poster

SpringChicken · 01/03/2004 16:34

Can always rely on mumsnet for a helping hand - just got to hope DP doesn't think i'm being mean now.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

Slinky · 01/03/2004 16:44

Can't think of anything worse than having my MIL at any of our births

You shouldn't be worrying about keeping everyone else happy!

I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour - told everyone after the births. I was induced with DS1 so obviously knew when he was going to arrive - but still told no-one other than my step-mother who looked after DD1!!

I couldn't tell my mum because she just flaps and gets everyone into a panic and MIL - well..lets just say I don't think she would have given a stuff.....she's only seen the kids a handful of times...twice in the case of DD2 and she's 4.5!!!

Tell your MIL that "only 1 person allowed" and don't tell anyone that you've gone in, otherwise they'll keep ringing the Mat. Unit. At our hospital, they refuse to tell anyone any news and also ask people to leave if they're hanging around waiting for news - good thing too! Imagine being a woman in labour and you've got other peoples families gawping at you!!

Zerub · 01/03/2004 18:17

Personally I'd go for "I've thought about it and I don't want any one except dh there". I think that is a completely reasonable thing for a woman to say about giving birth! Obviously you don't want to hurt your MIL's, Mum's or DH's feelings but your feelings are more important than anyone elses on this subject. If any of them want to have the baby for you, they can choose who is there... Although thats easy for me to say.

Actually, after dd was born, I was quite surprised at the way that I felt able to be completely blunt with people about what I needed, or what dd needed - telling people they couldn't visit, or needed to leave, or needed to leave the room cos I wasn't confident at bf'ing and didn't see why I should be the one to hide upstairs!

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