No men in the delivery room

[RaRa1988]

I told my midwife at booking-in that I didn't any men (apart from DP!) near me when I'm having the baby. She said that was fine. Then I happened to mention it at a consultant appt yesterday and she told me that tough, I'd have to put up with it; they'd give me females if they could (though didn't sound like they'd try very hard), but otherwise I'd have male midwives/doctors. Can they do this?? Just surely in any other situation, if someone touched your genitals or entered your vagina without your consent, it would be considered sexual assault or rape... I don't mean to be melodramatic; I just feel very very strongly about this and I'm terrified at the thought of having male medical staff. I honestly don't think I could cope with it. I'm bad enough with female doctors - the majority make me extremely nervous, though I can usually cope with nurses and midwives - but the thought of men being there or doing intimate examinations has me in tears and my heart racing with fear. I just can't do it. And I'm even more terrified at the thought that I might be forced to. I feel so strongly that my DP said that if they really won't get female medical staff for me, we'll just do it at home on our own and call them when it's over. I even thought about having a termination after speaking to the consultant yesterday - it's the last thing I want, and I doubt I could go through with it, but I'm that frightened at the thought of having male medical staff involved.

What if I were for example, muslim or had other religious beliefs prohibiting men being involved in something so intimate - would my wishes be respected then? Because my feelings have nothing whatsoever to do with religion or culture, but surely they're just as important? I don't know what to do.

Glad you have it sorted
Different topic but you said you will no way consider epidural. I was dead against it as well & luckily had a very quick "easy" labour that didn't require one, but it may be a good idea to be a bit more open to all possibilities. You don't know how you are going to react to the pain of labour, you may be fine you may need help. It puts a lot of pressure on yourself saying no way to anything labour related. Birth plans are all well and good but don't really mean anything when your contractions start. I had no pain relief not even G&A (tried it made me sick & couldn't do it) I "planned" as natural birth as possible with minimal interventions but did have on my notes that I would consider epidural if I really really needed it, but didn't want it offered at any time.
The more open you are about te experience (not including males in room) the less stress you'l have and you don't want to feel disappointed in yourself afterwards if you do end up having an epidural.
Also just so you know with a c section you won't be completely out of it, most are performed awake under an epidural with a screen under your bust so you can't see what's going on.

Hope you get the birth you want, but if you don't it's the destination that counts not the journey and holding your healthy baby is the important thing, not how you got to that point.

Good luck xxx

I think what I was saying, JustHayley, is that I couldn't cope with a men doing a C-sect unless I was totally out of it under GA. I hope not to need one, and I certainly wouldn't elect for one, but I don't feel I'm being unreasonable to say there are certain things I would very much struggle to cope with. Being 'open' about the experience is not going to help here I'm afraid - having been sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by a medical student leaves you with certain fears that aren't easily addressed. Fortunately other hospitals seem happy to help me with them.

As for an epidural, I'm not trying to avoid pain relief (quite the opposite - I'd like diamorphine please!), I just don't want anyone going anywhere near my spine with a needle. I don't care how much pain I'm in, I don't trust that procedure as safe and I won't be allowing it to happen. I also understand that the vast majority of anesthetists in my area are male, so again that would be something I don't want to deal with.

I van totally sympathise. im a total control freak from past experiences and when I write my birth plans I get worked up because I know that the plan might change and I'm no longer in control! as for no guys in the room, have you spoken to the hospital head midwife? try writing down your concerns and see what she says? Im sure many hospitals are able to deal with requests and they must get it all the time.
if its causing you to really stress out go for counselling? or even just write down how it would make you feel if there was a man in the room with you and explore the emotions? I do that excise with my control issues and it can help.
sorry im on my phone so the spelling and grammar might be awful! good luck though. hugs

Firstly good luck with everything! I totally know where you are coming from. I felt exactly the same, I actually delayed getting pregnant for years because of my fear of this and in the end a "happy accident" happened. I made the same request and had a lovely female midwife. However, i got I to difficulties and a team of people came, some were men. I was afraid, but at the time I was more afraid for my baby. My husband was with me and the adrenalin kicked in, I was "out of it". I look back and shudder, BUT they saved me and they saved my baby. It was life or death. In the end you have to prioritise what you think you want and what REALLY matters. X

If you feel that strongly about c-section being under general, I think you need to get it specifically discussed and agreed with the consultant/hospital beforehand and clearly written in your notes.

At a purely medical level, general is not the safest option to deliver your baby unless absolutely necessary (e.g. speed, or for some reason spinal not being available). It is likely to be far easier to have a detailed chat with them in advance and ensure it is agreed than try to explain yourself when in pain and quite possibly not come across the best you can.

Also bear in mind that, if the anesthetist is male, he will still need to meet with you, discuss things, and touch you (though not intimately) to deliver the general. Is that ok for you?

I didn't really want an epidural but when the time came things got really difficult and the pain was unbearable and things started to go horribly wrong, back to back baby and extremely high BP. in the end I was only concerned about my life and my babies life and didn't really care who was there, I just wanted to know that the best people to help me were there. sometimes you don't have a choice.

A few thoughts.

In my hospital there are 12 anaesthetists. One is female (me). We share call equally such that 11 days out of every 12, there is a male anaesthetist on call. There are 4 O&G surgeons, 2 are male. So it's 50:50 whether patients get a male or female obstetrician. You can't have a full roster of female staff with those sorts of figures.

If you need a C-Section, it's very very rare to have it under a GA unless there are specific medical reasons why you can't have a spinal (which is not the same as an epidural although both involve a needle in the back). Purely because a spinal is safer for both you and the baby. All the direct anaesthetic deaths in the 3 yearly audit cycle are related to complications of GA. Admittedly very few (6 in total for the one before last, but still 6 too many).

While you are adamant that you don't want a regional (and that will be respected) you will have to state your refusal for spinal repeatedly should things head that way and several people will tell you a GA is riskier (they are right) to try to persuade you. Many anaesthetists won't permit a partner to be present if you are having a GA so you would be in theatre without the support of your DP prior to going off to sleep which can be very traumatic.

I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to point out that with the best will in the world, things won't always go as you want them to. The only staff available may be male through sheer rostering chance.

I suggest you ask for an appointment at an anaesthetic obstetric clinic to talk through your fears regarding spinals, to have the difference between a spinal and epidural explained so you can think about it and to discuss now the options with regard to GA and whether your partner can be present. Better to know and have some plans in place for how to deal with things if they arise.

Oh and I need to talk to patients, examine them, consent them and then absolutely touch them to deliver a GA. Mostly face and mouth but still touch. If there are reasons that you can't tolerate this they need to be discussed before you go into labour so appropriate management plans can be put into place.

OP didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean be more open with regards to having men in the room, I think I put that in. I think under the circumstances you should stick to your guns as much as possible & get as much help and advice from your midwife team to ensure an all female birth.
I simply mean be open in regards to pain relief to take the pressure off yourself.

You can express a preference and you can certainly decline a man coming in.

However they may not have anyone else to attend to you if you need a Dr. Where I work there are no female consultants. Some years we may not have female registrars either.

Even if the hospital does have female Drs if you're in labour during the night and its a male consultant and male registrar on call which is quite possible then there won't be anyone else.

Rara you sound so very like ne. I have a sinikar story and similar fears, and have been lucky to have 2 straightforward births attended by women, but my birth plans stated a preference for female staff, GA over spinal or epidural (part of my issues are related to being conscious but immobile) etc.

You need to get the SOM on your side, bring in the perinatal MH team and a psych consult if necessary - it's not fun and you aren't crazy but it 'proves' that this is real for you, produce both a detailed birth plan and a 1 page summary amd make damn sure that anyone who comes in the room has read it. If necessary have a note put on the door with the important points about respecting your space/no contact without explicit consent etc.

If you want to see my birth plan PM me. It does have the caveat that if either of us are in danger they do what they have to, ideally with me under GA, and then they send someone to put my head back together before I leave the hospital.

RaRa my heart goes out to you. I hope everything went well. Just know you are not alone and you’re fears are justified. Also know that as a patient it is your right to deny care from any healthcare provider.

I am boiling with rage reading this post.
Why does the nhs insist on treating pregnant women the way they do.
Man attends gum clinic. Requests male doctor. Fine.
Non pregnant woman attends gp surgery for smear test. Requests female nurse/gp. Fine.

Yet at one the the most critical life changing events a woman can experience, which even if all goes to plan can be traumatic, the consultant couldn’t even be bothered to discuss your fears with you.

It really doesn’t take a medical qualification to work out that there will be many, very personal and possibly traumatic reasons a woman may make a request like yours. A good doctor should be aware of the distress her stubborn and rigid response could have caused you.

I wonder why some of these people go into obstetrics. It doesn’t always seem to be about promoting women’s health and women’s right to good healthcare, that’s for sure.

They really could have had a chat with you further about your feelings.
Many hospitals won’t even have a male midwife so she could have explained if that was the case you definitely wouldn’t have a male midwife.

I would urge you to go to the head of midwifery and also strongly urge you to contact birth rights. If you email them on the address on their contact page they will get back to you and are very helpful.
So sorry you’ve had a dictator for a consultant. I’d also be asking to change to see a different one, a one that can show a shred of compassion to a pregnant woman.

Zombie thread alert

Oh so I see
Hopefully the op had a good outcome and they are both doing well now.