Overdue - suddenly totally disconnected with baby

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Hi all,

I'm feeling really and just need to get it off my chest / hear other opinions.

I'm currently 41 weeks. My previous child was exactly on time so this has come as a bit of a surprise. Not only am I
overdue but having literally no symptoms - no discharge, no show, no sore boobs, no contractions - nothing. In fact of baby wasn't wriggling I'd say I don't even feel pregnant. He's still very high up & there's no pressure at the bottom at all, despite the fact I'm apparently 2cm dilated and 2/5 engaged.

The big issue, I feel, is that he's persistent OP - has been for 6 weeks despite every single effort and technique to turn him. Believe me, I've tried every mw recommended, old wives tale & even others you'd never think of and am continuing to try. Lots & lots of reflexology & spinning babies too - zilch. Personally I feel he's just not in the right place for labour to start. It feels like it never will.

In the past few days I've started to feel v depressed & disconnected from my pregnancy. I feel awful saying this but I'm resenting my baby. I'm terrified that now I'm going to have to go down the induction / intervention / poss c section route which would be v v hard for me as I have a phobia of hospitals thanks to previous trauma and also major issues around breastfeeding / privacy. I really need my DH with me and our hospital is so totally oversubscribed, partners often cannot stay throughout labour let alone after.

I'm angry that the baby is causing me this pain & putting me at risk purely because I'm scared what would happen to DS1 if anything happened to me. I'm scared that I'm going to be forced through an interventionist hospital system that bullies me into things I don't want & leaves me alone without DH. & above all I feel totally cut off from the baby - I can't imagine him here or as a real person, don't crave the thought of cuddling him etc. just wish this was all over & not happening.

I'm sorry, that's a horrible thing for you to be facing. Don't feel awful for how you are feeling. It's no surprise, if you are scared of hospitals and are facing intervention, that you are feeling a disconnect with your baby. I wouldn't beat yourself up about that part of it, it is an understandable transference at the moment.

Do you have a mw appointment soon? Are they listening to you about your fear of hospitals and intervention?

Thank you Thurl...I'm hoping you're right & these are just temporary horrible feelings that will all be gone when this ordeal is over & baby is in my arms.

Yes I'm seeing mw tomorrow. Had previously declined sweep but now I'm going to accept its my last chance before I'm ruled out if the MLU. My mw is insanely laid back though. All the way through she's gone on about what a perfect MLU candidate I am, hasn't seemed remotely concerned about baby's OP positioning. & for the past 2 appointments it's her 3rd year student that's done all my checks etc....

Try and have a serious chat, especially about the fact you NEED your DH there the whole time, and don't take no for an answer.

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. I'm not surprised though as was 42 weeks myself (this year) and god that last fortnight was the longest and more difficult time. After an uncomplicated pregnancy I felt as if all my hopes for the natural birth I wanted were slipping away with each day, and all anyone said was 'enjoy the peace while it lasts'. Anyway, your doubts and fears and feelings of disconnection with your baby are all very valid and I certainly felt them too. I was really annoyed with my baby for hanging around (no prob bonding at all when he arrived). You have time and may well go into labour naturally - there's no need to give up on that idea at this point. But what I'd say is, if you do reach a point where induction is suggested, get as much info as you can, and ask a lot of questions. I wish I had a more cheerful story to tell as I know this isn't want you want for your birth, but I had induction/emergency c-section and while I'd been so upset in the run-up it was actually fine. It was the birth my baby needed as he really wasn't well. But what made all the difference to me was asking questions and getting answers at every single stage (even in theatre!) from everything to visiting hours to drugs. It is your birth and whenever and however it happens you should and can be in charge (to an extent). Good luck.

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. I'm not surprised though as was 42 weeks myself (this year) and god that last fortnight was the longest and more difficult time. After an uncomplicated pregnancy I felt as if all my hopes for the natural birth I wanted were slipping away with each day, and all anyone said was 'enjoy the peace while it lasts'. Anyway, your doubts and fears and feelings of disconnection with your baby are all very valid and I certainly felt them too. I was really annoyed with my baby for hanging around (no prob bonding at all when he arrived). You have time and may well go into labour naturally - there's no need to give up on that idea at this point. But what I'd say is, if you do reach a point where induction is suggested, get as much info as you can, and ask a lot of questions. I wish I had a more cheerful story to tell as I know this isn't want you want for your birth, but I had induction/emergency c-section and while I'd been so upset in the run-up it was actually fine. It was the birth my baby needed as he really wasn't well. But what made all the difference to me was asking questions and getting answers at every single stage (even in theatre!) from everything to visiting hours to drugs. It is your birth and whenever and however it happens you should and can be in charge (to an extent). Good luck.

P.s. It does sound like you need some specific answers to support you if needed re. dH staying, privacy for breast feeding (there may be something they can offer you?) and your phobias relating to past trauma, perhaps a consultant could help you with these if you're not finding midwives helpful? I got more answers from the consultant on my ward.

Thanks for the advice Cinnamon. Someone on another thread has also just queried whether I might be allowed a homebirth past 41+5 so long as regular monitoring showed no issues. Obviously if baby was very ill id just have to put up & take whatever they told me to do....but if there's no
issues other than being overdue id really really rather not go through that. It's very reassuring to hear others say they had these feelings & still bonded with their babies when they arrived.... Thank you

Just to share with issues around the birth etc, DD went straight to NICU without me even seeing her and those first few days when she was in hospital I was a bit... meh, really. With hindsight. Didn't remotely bond in the way I had expected too, I mean I was obviously concerned she was ill but she wasn't dangerously ill at all, so I kind of chilled out a bit. Didn't spend anywhere near the amount of time with her as I imagine other people did in that situation. I can't imagine what the NICU nurses thought of us at the time

But really it's made not a jot of difference to how we've bonded now. I know it's nowhere near the same situation, but I just wanted to say you can have difficulties over the last few weeks and it all turns out absolutely fine.

@boymeetsworld that sounds like positive news about the possibility of home birth. Wishing you luck for that. Whatever happens you are stronger than you know, you will cope, do a great job and bring a fantastic baby into the world.

@thurl really interesting to hear your story. I think far too much importance is placed on that initial encounter, DS was also whisked away to be checked out meaning immediate eye contact/skin to skin etc couldn't happen. Of course I can see why that's important, but like you. not having it didn't stand in the way of bonding at all

Just wanted to say, my dd was op - tried to turn her, spinning babies etc for weeks.. I started to get very worried, as also afraid of hospitals/intervention and couldn't connect the baby which was potentially causing me to go down this route with a real person.

Labour was very slow to start, like you I didn't think anything would happen/ was happening so was very surprised when mw said I was 4cm.

After that, things progressed over the next few days, I think this is quite common with back to back babies. Fwiw, she did turn during labour, and I had a straightforward birth in an MLU.

Good luck op.

Being overdue is really crap, OP. I sympathise.

I went to 42 weeks with both of mine, and had to be induced both times. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again this time (currently 35+4).

It was honestly fine. The first time it was drip & epidural, which I had dreaded so much (I also have hospital 'issues'). But it was perfectly do-able.
The second time I was already 2cm dilated, so they just broke my waters. That was all that was needed, and she was born quickly and easily with no pain relief. It was great!

And I totally get the 'disconnected' feeling. It will pass, I'm sure. It did for me.

Have the sweep, see what happens, and hopefully you'll avoid induction. But if you don't, it'll be ok.

And I'd probably be inclined to view a 'laid back' midwife as a good thing. It's worse if they're flappy and worried!