Newbie - desperate for help/reassurance re: repair surgery

[Saspi]

I'm brand new to MN so I apologise in advance if I'm getting this all wrong but I really don't know where else to turn. I've read the abbreviations table so hopefully I'll get it all right!

DD is 6 months old. Birth was very traumatic, 3 days of contractions, 12 hours in the pool before DD turned her head. Waters broken, meconium found so whisked to delivery suite, given epidural, another 10 hours of contractions, pushed for 2 hours and eventual ventouse. Just to top things off nicely I retained my placenta so was taken to theatre for a manual removal for which I was awake and lost a lot of blood so needed a transfusion.

I thought I had dealt with all of this and put it behind me. I was grateful to have my beautiful, healthy baby and was trying to enjoy my new family with DH. Problems started when I felt ready to resume 'marital duties', about 3 months in. It wasn't happening. Numerous abortive attempts, I put it down to being nervous and thought I'd just keep trying. I then happened to be due a smear so went along only for the nurse to say she couldn't perform it. Referred to GP who was brutal in her attempts but also couldn't perform it. Referred to consultant to be told there is a lot of scar tissue and I need to have surgery to recut everything and stitch it up again with the hope it will heal better next time round. I'm on the waiting list and have been for 6 weeks. Apparently I may not be seen until January. In the meantime I am left feeling extremely guilty about not being able to have a physical relationship with DH who is being very kind and patient but who, I'm sure, is feeling very neglected. I can't even kiss him at the moment, I feel too self conscious of my post-birth body and the fact that I can't have sex.

I am absolutely panicking about the surgery. I am lying awake at night for hours thinking about it. I have been told it will take place under GA but because I had a manual removal of the placenta I know what the whole scenario will look like and I can't bear to think about it. I felt so degraded and humiliated the first time around and I went into shock afterwards. I'm just so scared.

Add to that that I find myself constantly thinking about any future children we may have and whether their births will also be horrific.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just feel helpless and alone and it's starting to affect my relationship with DH and also with my DD. I look at her and think about how lucky I am to have her but then feel guilty that I'm having all these negative feelings.

Has anyone out there had this repair surgery? Can anyone offer me any reassurance or advice. The thought of going through the whole healing process again terrifies me. I don't know how I will cope, especially with DD to run after and with working 3 days a week from home too.

Sorry if this all sounds ridiculous. I just need to vent and if anyone can offer me any advice I'd be so grateful.

Hi Saspi I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I had the repair surgery - sounds v similar to you - and I can promise you it was fine - because it's not like damage done during layout their isn't the bruising etc and I healed fine. I knew nothing about it as was under GA - it won't be like your theatre experience before - this is planned surgery. I am so glad I had it done - it put me back to "normal" and me and DH are now fine.

I did have a treatment called EMDR for birth trauma though and that was massively helpful too - I would really recommend it.

It WILL all be ok

Layout???? I mean labour!!!

Thanks QoK. It's really good to hear there are others out there who have been through it. At the moment it feels like I'm the only person in the world who has ever had to have it done. I've started feeling resentful towards NCT pals and other friends with children who have bounced back and are enjoying time with their DHs again.

I haven't heard of EMDR. I've never spoken to anyone about my birth trauma, I don't even know where I'd start with where to find someone. I'm really glad to hear your positive experience so thank you.

I feel for you, you do sound down just to say I had a post birth repair around 7 months afterwards as I had an overgrowth of scar tissue. From what you describe yours may be more extensive than mine but I can honestly say the GA operation was totally fine and I was barely even sore afterwards, in fact I only took one paracetamol after and that was it. Healed up fine, vast improvement after, and after my second birth I didn't need any stitches at all.

I hope you have a similarly positive experience, it was well worth getting the op, which was SO much better than the immediate post birth stitching!

Saspi, depending on where you are in the country you probably have a psychotherapist trained in EMDR near by. Try contacting the Birth Trauma Association too. It is a really effective treatment and can make you feel much better

Don't know how to do links but try www.emdrassociation.org.uk and the 'find a therapist'

Just to add you are not alone with how you feel after the birth. My DS is now 2 years old and I had a horribly traumatic labour experience and was diagnosed with post natal depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

Speak to your GP about arranging some counselling for you. I found it really helped me come to terms with what happened to me during the birth of my son. I had a 4th degree tear, and months of recovery, constant mixed emotions about being happy my DS was here and ok but also jealousy towards other new mums who didn't have the same problems I had. I'm still dealing with it now but have come a long way.

Regarding surgery, I had a skin tag on my perineum which was full of nerve endings (and very painful all the time) removed about 8 months ago and it was the best thing ever. I was offered perennial refashion at the time but decided not to have the surgery then as we wanted another baby (currently 29 weeks pregnant) first as I also have a prolapse and will have surgery to fix everything in one go once this baby has arrived. I was told that for the restitch surgery recovery is fairly quick, and the gynae consultant described it to me as it would be 3 days of agony and a week or two of discomfort and feeling almost normal by about 3 weeks.

I hope that helps. If you want more detailed information there's a lovely group of us on a thread called Raggedies in the General Health section who have been through similar.

Thank you so much for the support everyone. Cravingcake, I will have a look at the other thread and maybe post this over there as well. Everyone I know who has had babies has recovered with no difficulties, or at least they don't talk about it if they haven't, so it's a relief to know I'm not alone. I have been feeling like a complete oddity, like I wasn't meant to have children.

With regard to future births, I have a friend who had severe damage with her first labour and for the second she had an elective section and all was fine.

that is always an option so do not fret about future babies xxx

I agree with others, you need to seek help for the psychological trauma of the birth, it sounds like you went through such a lot

I had to have a repair when my DC1 was 10 months old. I actually had it done under a local as I felt most comfortable that way (I hate the thought of people doing things to me when asleep!) and the recovery was much much better than after the birth. I think that's because you've not just been through labour as well, with loads of hormones charging round your system, are likely to be a lot less tired from having a new baby, etc If it helps, my DC2 was conceived two weeks after my surgery, so I must have recovered quickly I was like you in that sex was impossible before the surgery.

Oh yes, forgot to say, when I was pregnant with DC2, my consultant said that even though it wasn't strictly necessary, I could request an ELCS if I really felt I needed it. I chose another vaginal birth, where an episiotomy was performed as they were concerned I would tear again and I healed really well from that, no problems at all.

Just wanted to comment to say how sorry I am to hear about what you went through. I had a really bad fourth degree tear that require major stitches, months and months of recovery, and a very emotional time for me and my husband. I managed to get through with the help of some very supportive friends, and a husband who was very understanding re: lack of sex (took a year to get there again!)

I just wanted to touch on the future children thing: I fell pregnant a year later (yup, pretty much first time we did it again), and when I went for my booking in my midwife immediately suggested an ELCS based on my previous trauma. After a lot of thinking, I decided I would try a natural birth, and DS2 was born AT HOME, with no damage. Couldn't believe it.
It was a very different birth. It felt like everything was "already stretched" if you know what I mean. All the hard bit had been done with the first birth.