went to a birth choices group last night. Ended up having an embarrassingly public meltdown about my last birth, despite the fact it was nearly 2 years ago and I've done Birth Afterthoughts and a course of CBT.
I'm just exhausted by the thought of the whole thing. Top that by the fact that I confirmed last night what I had suspected all along: that I was mislead and outright lied to.
I feel sick to my stomach. If I had just been less impatient, if I had held off on calling the midwife, then perhaps I would have had a different outcome. perhaps things wouldn't have gone so badly for me that I didn't fully bond with my beautiful boy until he was nearly a year old. Perhaps I wouldn't have lost all that time, faith in myself, confidence in my body and the healthcare system.
I've also found out that C-sections can sometimes cause problems conceiving. Is this why we're struggling to get pregnant this time? Or is it because I'm such a basketcase still? Either way my previous experience is getting in the way now. And what if it happens all over again?
Is it possible to move past these feelings? I don't really know where to turn or who to turn to. My DH is lovely, but he looks so sad and broken when I tell him I'm still struggling. He feels responsible because he wasn't able to protect me or to make me feel better now.
I have a hurty feeling in my chest when I think of this so mostly I try to ignore the whole thing but I won;t be able to when I eventually fall pregnant again. Will I?