Help me decide about mum coming to *help*

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Original poster

twiglett · 19/02/2004 18:52

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OP posts:

zebra · 19/02/2004 18:55

I would go for whichever option let's your older child get the most attention and least in your hair... would that be Option 2?

hmb · 19/02/2004 18:56

Twiglett. I was in a similar situation when ds was born. My mother wanted to come to 'help'. I know realise that she was in the early stages of senile dementia, but didn't at the time (not infering this is true of your mother btw)

Regardless of her medical condition my mother was always hard work, and next to no help. In fact she would generate more work than she ever saved.

In the end she came when I was in hospital recovering from the section. My brother aranged it so that she was with us for a full week! He could only cope with her for two days, you understand, but I could cope, post section with a new baby and a toddler!

It was awful. Mother was unhappy and confused. I was stressed beyond belief. She was even cross with me because I wouldn't travel back with her and dh to mt brothers house (3 hours round trip in the car, a week post section!).

My advice to you is to do what you want. Be strong and be 'selfish' if you think it is right. You and your dh and ds will want time together, before you have to start taking other peoples feelings into consideration.

hmb · 19/02/2004 18:58

Oh God, just saw your post about it being both of them.. Even more reason for postponing the visit until you can cope You must take priority over eveyone else just at the moment.

JJ · 19/02/2004 18:58

twiglett, my usual decision maker in cases like this is my internal reaction. What makes you not shudder in horror? I'd go with that one. Actually I'd go with whatever makes you feel relief -- there might be possibilities that you haven't said. Consequences can be dealt with. All the luck to you and yours.

GeorginaA · 19/02/2004 18:58

My experience is that people who are easily offended are offended no matter what you do. So decide what you want (it's you giving birth after all!!!) and then tell her how it's going to be (or get dh to tell her ) - deal with the fallout at a later date when you're fully recovered and it isn't going to stress you out so much.

I'm in much the same position. I've asked dh's mum to help with ds when I go into labour because my mother would drive me completely insane, even though my m-i-l lives much further away. I haven't told my mother yet gulp.

sobernow · 19/02/2004 19:00

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GeorginaA · 19/02/2004 19:00

BTW... the first time around we told my mother not to visit until we had some time as a family together. When I went into labour she "changed her mind" and turned up at the hospital unannounced!!! ARGH!

Seriously considering phoning her a week or so after the birth to inform her of her latest grandchild - or is that really mean?

udar · 19/02/2004 19:11

twiglett, would about a variation on 1. Say that you 'could really do with her help getting everything ready before you come home'. If they are there while you are in hospital it might be nice pop in during the day (maybe?). She might be able to stock the fridge/freezer with some great food for when you come back. Can't comment on how you would explain them leaving when you get out of hospital...

suzywong · 19/02/2004 19:12

GeorginaA
you must do exactly what suits you
I've had it both ways - Mum ciming two weeks after to meet the baby and waiting for mr for 12 hours before I got outt of hospital
I say put them off, get to know your new family unit, let your hormones crash and then have her visit

suzywong · 19/02/2004 19:14

sorry Georgina didnt read thread properly , thought it was your question
I say again - get t know your new foursome family first Twiglett, it's hrll the other way around IME

suzywong · 19/02/2004 19:25

Right, that made Bugger all sense, sorry.
I agree with the other wise ones.
WIth DS1 mum was hestitant to come up because she thought she'd be in the way, I got sulky and beratted her for not helping.
With DS2 she was here even before I got out of hospital. Result was DH had her and DF and DS1 to ferry around and look after, it wore him down, we never got time together as a new family, she got on my nerves beyond belief, wasn't really a help at all and the strain caused a lot of unnecessarly tension. Plus I was off my face on coediene and full of hormones and just wanted to hole up with new baby and be waited on and cuddle DS1.

So do option 2

Original poster

twiglett · 19/02/2004 21:01

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sobernow · 19/02/2004 21:13

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GeorginaA · 19/02/2004 21:14

OPTION ONE OPTION ONE OPTION ONE!!!

(or option 3 ... let them know about 3 weeks later "oh by the way, I've had the baby..." )

newbymum · 20/02/2004 00:32

option one!! I had my mum there when my little girl was born and she was more of a help than the midwives and my partner put together! But afterwards she did start to take things the wrong way and get affended when I asked her to give and my partner time to get to know are new family! Its been a learning curve for both of us my mum wants to do everything that I'm doing with the baby so I've gently but firmly had to put my foot down! It's a tricky situation but at the end of the day you have to do what makes you feel the most comfortable. GOOD LUCK

bobthebaby · 20/02/2004 00:59

Option 1. Stress how important it is to your ds to have people around he knows so as not to feel displaced by the new baby. Use this as your reason for wanting them to leave afterwards so you can bond as a family.

I know what you mean about getting both of them. I am always a bit dismayed when arranging to meet my sprightly MIL and FIL shows up too!

sibble · 20/02/2004 01:25

Do whichever you will make you happy, sounds like option 1 to me. My mum drives me barmy, although I do love her, so we deliberately did not ring her until DS was born because she was adamant she was going to be at the birth despite being told in plain english she was not wanted there. I then spent my first week post c/s doing housework, making sandwiches, tea, coffee etc. for her and my Nan (who did help) while she 'looked after my baby'. I could not wait to see the back of her. By the end we were only speaking through gritted teeth or my Nan.
Sometimes you need to offend to maintain your sanity. You cannot have that time back.
Things are different this time as we are in NZ but I have told her not to fly out for the birth but come at Christmas 'when they can come for longer' and baby will be 4 motnhs - think I can cope by then!
Pregnancy is hard enough, but all the added issues sure don't help. Good luck and do whatever is right for you.

Original poster

twiglett · 20/02/2004 09:43

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JeniN · 20/02/2004 09:55

Sounds like the right choice to me - i was really mean to my rellies with dd, made it clear that they couldn't expect to stay with us when they came down (mum and dad live - seperately - miles away) so they booked into hotels. My mum is also not the most maternal, but in the end I asked her to come down 'for the birth'/just after for a quick visit, and then come back and 'help' after dh finished his paternity leave. Actually, Mum was waiting outside the delivery room all through my labour (popped in to see me twice when DH went to get her and was all lovely and weepy, not like her at all) - unfortunately once I went up to the ward the staff wouldn't let her see me and dd til the next afternoon, so she got really upset with them. Her 'helping' afterwards dematerialised into a two day visit a few weeks on (due to her being a workaholic) where she helped me a little bit, but then expected dh to wait on her as soon as he got home - not v helpful to him. Full of pitfalls - good luck with that conversation !

Crunchie · 20/02/2004 10:24

Option 1 is the best, but perhaps you could word it along the lines that you REALLY REALLY need her help while you are in hospital as you are quite sure DH wouldn't be able to cope on his own, and DS will be abandoned. This way she will be helping you out SOOOOOO much more. Also inlist the services of your sister to invite her for the week after the birth, using the complete guilt scenario that otherwise your sister and her family won't see your mum otherwise and how could your mum be so selfish and just come to visit you!!!

This way your mum comes to you, and can complain about the uselessness of men (DH will have to suffer this ) and then when you get home your sister cna have her, saying she is pissed off otherwise. This will leave your mum feeling very wanted and cherished by her two DD's and you guilt and mum free!!!!

GeorginaA · 20/02/2004 14:28

Crunchie's advice sounds soooo good I almost wish I wasn't an only child so I could nick it too

Alternatively, get your dh to tell her, twiglett - that's what dh's are for

Original poster

twiglett · 20/02/2004 16:51

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Crunchie · 20/02/2004 17:27

Even better then she will believe that DH is so c**p at anything and that she HAS to be on hand to supervise whilst you are in hospital, if only for the health of DS

Make sure your DH keeps his side up and asks her continually how to use the washing machine etc and where is the X ? Actually that maynot be any different form the norm and might get your dh a bad reputation from her, but if it keeps her off your back and keeps your health and sanity you can worry about it later.

Also make sure your sister invites her to stay because she is 'jealous' of all the attentiaon your mum is lavishing on you

Oh the plots!! You can see my devious mind and how I have to control my MIL I wanted my mum when I was having a 2nd, but didn't want to insult MIL, so I sent my mum to stay at MIL for he week (just 20 mins away) so I got both of them out of my hair

My mum just came over and cleaned my house and cooked for me

milupa · 20/02/2004 18:50

Why don't you ask your mum to come when your dh goes back to work. Ask her to come two weeks later.