This is dc3.
I was diagnosed with OCD and moderate depression in the middle of my second pregnancy. I got no support in pregnancy because they were mainly concerned about PND.
I've had a year of therapy since and have dealt with so much, but it has all come down to this deep fear of being overwhelmed when I am vulnerable, with a closely related fear of losing all approval for stating my feelings. This is compounded by feeling I don't trust NHS maternity services and experiences of friends and family where they have been begging for help and pointing out something is not right ending up in crash section and in one case a baby sadly dying.
I know exactly where the deeper fear comes from. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my mother the non-drinker has said to me she took all her rage at my father out on me. They were both very much full of rage and it was terrifying. This doesn't really bother me in real life because I have had a fair bit of therapy over the years and felt I had come to terms with it but in preparing for childbirth and being pregnant it's like my resistance is just so low that the things that usually work to manage old echoes of fear just... don't work. I am afraid that I will be in labour and know something is going wrong but not be able to communicate it because of my fear and that will lead to harm coming to my baby. I know this is low probability BUT the sheer awfulness of it as a prospect makes it very hard to let go of.
This is all complicated by the fact I've used up all my NHS therapy sessions and my experiences with private counselling were a bit pants to say the least. I'm also sick of talking about it, it doesn't seem to make any difference, I understand the process it just doesn't dissolve the fear.
My last birth was a perfect calm drug free water birth and I guess going into pregnancy I thought that experience would change my feelings of fear... but now I am pregnant I am finding that although it helps me to know now that I can manage the pain of childbirth without medication (I was terrified of being in a situation I would be begging for pain relief without being heard) I know ultimately every birth is so unique that it doesn't change this root anxiety. There are no guarantees and my tolerance of the uncertainty of maybe being in a situation where I am shouted at or ignored when in pain or afraid is just so low, especially as I am already at 10 weeks feeling depleted from constant sickness and disrupted sleep (was up to vomit at 3am).
Any advice? I am involved with the perinatal mh service but that's a whole other story. They just don't get it no matter how many times I explain it. They say things like 'well you're a planner and you would like a safety net for if you get poorly again'. I think they really only see it in terms of PND when that just isn't my concern. I don't think I am or ever have been poorly in pregnancy in the brain chemistry imbalance way they tout (though I did crash after birth last time which I think was just the fear of it all having worn me down). I think I am just scared and find it hard to manage the sheer extent of my fear in pregnancy to the point it takes over my life. They just nod and smile and tell me how irrational it all is... but I know that many many women I know personally have had the sort of experiences I feel would literally just break me and that it's not nearly as rare or uncommon for things to change rapidly, for health care professionals to be rough and insensitive with vulnerable women or for women to lose all power to voice an opinion in labour. They treat all this as a clinical symptom and I sometimes feel I am down the rabbit hole.