How do I deal with this one - DM/birth dilemma?

[catdoctor]

DS2 is due early December, DS1 will be 3y6m, DM has made comments twice to the effect of -'when I'm looking after DS1 when DS2 comes'. Trouble is, I wasn't thinking of asking her.

DM lives 2 hours away(was 3 hours till recently) and contact with DS1 has been limited - maybe 1-2 days every 2-3 months. They get on fine and DS1 is happy to be with her. Problem is that DM doesn't seem to 'get' baby/toddler. She'd keep him safe and be completely reasonable in what she does, but she doesn't seem to be able to handle anything remotely toddlerish. I am an only child and I think it sounds like I was a pretty compliant baby - DS1 is a regular preschooler! - and I am 45, so all DM's experience of babies is a long time ago. She's sat for us twice and on both occasions we had to come home early as DS1 had woken (not her fault) but DM had been unable to settle him (he was deranged on both occasions tbh). Add to that DSF who is very needy and cannot bear her to be away from him. So she will potentially have to up and leave him at any hour to come and be at our's for unspecified length of time.

I had in mind our neighbour to have DS1; she has babysat him, he's gone to bed at her's ( though not stayed all night), she is mother of 2, GM to 4 and 'been there, done that' - unflappable and knows all the tricks.

So how do I get out of this one (if that's what I should do)?

Would you 'appreciate her 'help'' when dh goes back after paternity leave. You can say that neighbour is keen to have him and as second ones can be much quicker than first probably better to have someone closer. Could come anytime within a month time frame - dd1 was a week late, dd2 two weeks early.

Thanks for that 3buns - good ploy, only prob is that that was the plan after DS1 was born but when I said, 'when are you coming?' DM said not for another 6 weeks because DS1 was 2 weeks overdue and all DSF's rellies were booked in to stay at their house for various summer hols - so I was/have stayed a bit narky about that.(She never came btw - my decision). I suppose I could just swallow my pride!

Tell her you'll really need her help after the birth - and you need to have help closeby incase things happen quickly, so you're going to ask your neighbour to be on standby.

Even more reason not to have her for the birth if she is unreliable. I would just say that that is when you would really appreciate the help afterwards as the birth is covered - point out to her that otherwise she would need to block out a month on standby. If she comes - bonus (maybe) if not then at least for the birth bit you know ds is sorted.

Or book to go and stay with her/her come to you x week before Christmas when the baby will have arrived, that way she can book some pantos/santa/present shopping trip etc with him while you put feet up with ds2 and mumsnet for the afternoon

I'd be very, very sneaky and tell your mum you've had another scan and the baby isn't actually due until late December /early January. Play along that you want her to look after ds.

Then when you do go into labour just get the neighbour to watch him and oh dear mum the baby came a bit early but you'll still come and help won't you? Blah blah. Everyone is happy.

But then I'm a sneaky fucker.

Going to bum off them over xmas sounds a good plan! Will stresssound out DH re this!

Fairy I'm a hopeless liar i'm afraid!

Nod, smile and when the time comes drop him at your neighbors and blame contractions being really close together. It may or may not be stretching the truth a bit, but its quite possible you won't be able to wait for your mum to get there.