How to tactfully suggest my parents delay their flight for birth/to visit newborn?

[Amibambini]

So I'm due on the 5th of January (first and probably only child, in London). My parents want to fly out from Australia from the 15th of Jan to the 29th. I'm a slightly older mum (36), and pretty much every single one of my mum friends have had to be induced at 42 weeks. I know that's not a scientific proof that I will be induced, however I know it's very strong possibility that I may still be pregnant when they arrive, or having very recently just given birth.

My two closest friends (a couple) who recently gave birth were literally bailing out the birthing pool as her parents landed from the US, so had an audience as they attempted to establish breast feeding. That is my idea of a nightmare!

My partner and I really, really just want to be by ourselves for the first few days to a week, just getting to know him or her and figuring it out between us. Ideally I'd like to be recovered and have some kind of a handle on the the whole newborn thing and therefore be able to appreciate spending time with my Mum and Dad and everyone else too.

I have tried to tell my Mum and Dad this but the email back was, "These are our dates! You'll be fine, all the women in our family give birth on time!"

Any ideas what else I can say to them to convince them? My mum is pretty sensitive too, to add to the comlication. Or am I just being a drama queen and worrying too much?

Well they have been pretty rude to you in that email, so I see no need for you to tread sensitively. And I don't think tact would work, I think they need telling or they will just do what they want.

Maybe tell them if those are there dates you can give them details of local hotels.

You are being a drama queen and worrying too much.

You'll probably be two weeks early. It's just as likely.

Whatever will be, will be, and all that. If you want a handle on the whole newborn thing before they arrive, better tell them to make it some time after Easter.

Are they staying with you or at a hotel? If they expect to stay with you I'd put them straight on that one right away! If they are already planning to stay elsewhere then make sure your DH is on guard and that they have very strict visiting hours so that they don't spend all day hanging around expecting to be entertained. At least in London there are plenty of other things they can go off and do so that they're not under your feet.

You should also make a point of requesting that they bring lunch when they come and visit and that they know they need to be the ones making cups of tea etc. not expecting you to be the 'hostess'. They should be making life easier for you, not harder.

My mil was like this. Booked time off, booked a flight (just from Ireland to Scotland) etc for a week after I was due, without asking us first. I wanted to see my parents first and anyway, I might have been overdue - in the end dd1 was 4 days early.

When dh told mil this, that we really couldn't accommodate her at that point, she cried and bil said she took time off work because she was so terribly upset.

I'm not entirely sure she's ever forgiven me for it, apparently I "ruined" the birth of her first grandchild.

Your child, your decision. It's hard to put it over though! All the best x

I think you are more than reasonable not to want an audience for breastfeeding! I agree with lemon, be straight with them. You can say you are looking forward to seeing them and with later dates they are likely to get more time with the baby. But I would be clear this is your decision, not a position for negotiation.

I was induced a month five weeks ago & PIL arrived in the country three days later. However, they were copped on enough to offer to stay in a local hotel for the first three nights. This was gratefully accepted. They went travelling for the next four nights ( pre-planned) then stayed with us when they got back. Worked a treat. Would this work did you at all?

Oops - induced about five weeks ago!

You don't know whether you're going to induced or not, or when the baby will arrive. You really won't need all of that time to get to know the newborn before anyone else sees it. Heck, my family came to visit in the hospital the day after I gave birth the night before and it was lovely.

Fair enough if you don't want them to stay at your house - that would be stressful, but visiting etc, no probs.

I suspect you will feel very appreciative to have your Mum and Dad there when the time comes. I think without them, you would feel very 'far away' and isolated ~ giving birth does strange things to you .
If they've booked it, then they've booked it would be my thinking - your baby could well be 4 or 5 weeks old when they get there, or might not. You've tried suggesting they come later, but they've not taken it on board , so can then have no complaints if (s)he's not here then, but really, you will probably find it's lovely to have them 'on hand' even if baby doesn't arrive until after they do.
Just not worth getting worked up over.

Thanks for the sane advice everyone. I am probably worrying too much about it. I think I will reiterate to them that there is a good chance the baby wouldn't have made it's arrival, and if it hasn't I'm not going to be an amazing host or good company. If they don't change their dates we'll just have to grin and bear it no matter what happens. Who knows, maybe it'll even be an enjoyable experience!

They won't be able to stay with us as we live on a small barge and it's ok for guests for one or two nights, but definitely not my parents for two weeks (they are used to all the mod cons), especially as we get to grips with pfb. We are hoping to get them into an airbnb place nearby, though my dad wants to get a two bedroom place so we can stay with them.

I think my problem is that I'm quite a private person and very, very used to doing things, and coping with things, independently. I left my hometown and family over 12 years ago and dealing with things on my todd is now my default position! I get quite taken aback if people insist on helping me or being in my space.

Anyways, I'm sure it will be fine, the idea of situations is often quite worse than the reality.

I don't want to complicate things now you have come to terms with them coming. But I just wanted to say you are not being a drama queen and should remember that when they are there. We live a plane journey away from both sets of parents so since DS was born 8 weeks ago we have had both lots here for two weeks. While it was lovely (mostly), we both were really glad to have the first two weeks just the three of us, and are very happy now they've gone. Whilst the support was really appreciated, it's so important to be able to suit yourselves without any reference to other people, and to not have to explain/justify anything you're doing. Plus to have the space to get the hang of breastfeeding (and walk around topless of your nipples need the air!). Even if you don't want to upset them by telling them to change dates, you shouldn't feel like you're being a drama queen or pfb if you have to ask them to give you some space while they're here - despite the fact that this might upset them. I hate hurting people's feelings too but you have to prioritise the baby and you - and they will have to learn that.

(Disclaimer: I may have got thoro

Oops
Thoroughly fed up with visitors after two weeks of PILs.

It doesn't sound like you want to stay in their two bed place! Enjoy having your baby at home.

This is your time, not theirs.

I think you need to tell them that they can't come until a week later. At least they are not staying with you. Put your foot down if you don't want to decamp to a two bed rental place, it sounds like you would much rather bring your baby home to the barge.

No, I don't really want to decamp! Maybe a night or two here and there but I can't imagine I'll be wanting to move that much, especially mid Jan. We also have to balance this with the needs of my partners family, parents who are estranged so that means separate visits. However they are still within London so it's not like they have a two week time limit to get quality time in.

Anyways it's great to get a few different opinions and experiences, better than going around in circles in my head about it. There's also my partners head to think of too! When we first started planning what would happen post birth, he was fairly relaxed about it all as he hadn't really thought about it too much. But since then, having thought about it and spoken with a few other Dad friends, reality has set in and he's become very keen on the idea of at least a week on our own together before mega intense family times. His face fell when I told him about my Dads email about the dates.

So yeah, I'm gonna call them and tell them how we feel about it, bigging up the bit about if they come later its way more likely we will be able to spend lots more quality time together. And allow them to totally enjoy saying they told me so when the LO arrives a week early.

Parents eh?

Again, thanks for all the advice and experience. Mumsnet is a very useful space indeed!