Odd feeling that I had a baby but didn't give birth

[redwellybluewelly]

I have posted numerous times here and in pregnancy topics about having to have a planned CS after my first baby was left brain damaged after a cock up during an assisted delivery.

The CS, despite being assured that I'd be up and about swiftly and it was the better option was anything but. It seems I'm one of those extremely unlucky people who gets hit like a bus by surgery and I'm only just up on my feet a month later. I should add there were a few complications I wasn't just malingering!

Anyway. Its taken me a while to work out why I feel so odd. I just don't feel like I've had a baby. I adore my dc2, lovely baby even when she is screaming at me (like now) but although my stomach looks butchered and my boobs look like Katie Prices' I don't actually feel like I've had a baby. Having had dc1 naturally even though it went desperately wrong and I didn't hold her for eight days I still knew I'd given birth to her.

Anyone else felt this way? And if so how did you resolve it?

I felt like this after DD3 was born. She was the only CS of the lot, a crash CS at 2am. Rationally I knew she mine. I knew she wouldn't be here at all without the surgery. I was grateful for the surgery that saved our lives. I thought she was really cute and gorgeous. Emotionally though I have struggled really until now (3 y 10 m later) to properly realise that she's mine. For her first 2 years I'd let anyone look after her, figuring they'd do just as good a job as me. It's only in the last year that I've begun to feel special in her life if I'm honest.

I don't know whether the cause of this was the CS, whether it was the multiple MC and 6 years of infertility that preceded her birth, whether it was the stress of feeling all the way through my pregnancy that she wouldn't make it, and then nearly having that confirmed. Birth and bonding is so complicated. I don't really know what to suggest. I just didn't want to leave this unanswered when I could reassure you (??) that you are not alone.

I had pre eclampsia and an EMCS 6 hours after diagnosis, 3 weeks early, so it was all a shock. One moment I was pregnant with no sign of labour and 6 hours later I had a baby. I am struggling to connect the baby I have with the baby I was pregnant with, I didn't see or feel her come out and I didn't get to hold her for ages after because she had to briefly go to SCBU. I do love her and feel that she's mine, but she's not the one I was pregnant with if that makes any sense.

No idea how to resolve it. My midwife suggested acting out the birth you wanted to have, not neccessarily pretending to push etc, but getting in a pool or listening to music or whatever you had planned while holding and feeding your baby. It's not really my thing so I haven't tried it but might work for you.

Yes yes yes. I had DD by emcs, in pretty stressful circumstances, then had to go straight into another theatre for further surgery under general anaesthetic because someone had decided to slice up one of my organs during the emcs.

I only really met her when I came round several hours later. For about six weeks I just couldn't connect this baby in front of me to the baby who'd been inside me. I knew she was mine but something didn't quite compute.

All I can say is that it does get better and time is a great healer. She's now coming up for 11 weeks and I can't put my finger on what has changed but I seem to be able to accept much more easily that she is the baby I grew for 9 months. What helped for me include talking about it. Lots. To anyone who'll listen. Also, slightly bizarrely, talking to DD about it, telling her about how she arrived here. Don't know why, but it's helped.