Still thinking about birth every single day, 10 months on

[violetta555]

Basically that... Is this normal? I know it's a life-changing experience and not to be taken lightly, but is anyone else still reliving their DC's birth frequently after a year or so?

Background: I had a back-to-back labour, failed ventouse delivery, then episiotomy and DD delivered with forceps. Scary moments when her heart rate was slowing down towards the end and loads of people kept coming in and out of the room. I lost a litre of blood and couldn't concentrate on anything properly after that - just thought "What is that?!" when they placed DD on my stomach. DD was fine though and after 24 hours' observations we were discharged. I wish we'd been able to stay longer as I felt safe in hospital and the postnatal care was good!

In the early weeks I had flashbacks every time I tried to sleep, which was very disturbing. I had a debrief at about 8 weeks, which helped me understand that the above wasn't my fault (I thought I wasn't pushing hard enough) and the intrusive flashbacks went away. However, I'm still thinking about it all every day, reliving moments. Normal?

Sorry to vent, I needed that!

I had a friend who had a traumatic delivery, all was fine during the labour but post birth she haemorrhaged badly and it went a bit crazy with emergency alarms and crash teams called. I think it took her a good while to get over the shock.

Interestingly we had the same team of lovely community midwifes who did all your appointments and would come into hospital and deliver your baby. When I went to booking in I mentioned my friend had recommended them and the MW went a bit pale and although she couldn't say anything it was clear she was remembering and it was traumatic for her too.

My friend did go on to have other babies (problem free too) so I think she got over the experience eventually.

It's normal, my ds1 I was in high dependancy for a few days after loosing over 2 litres of blood and then my heart going into shock I was only quite young and thought I was going to die lol, after i was discharged I was readmitted with retained products and a womb infection. I still think about it now and shudder, but I had another baby 2.4yrs later and although he was a 5 day back to back labour and assisted delivery I had no other problems, I cried my eyes out when I went into labour with him cause I really thought same or worse would happen. Currently preg with ds3 now, and still get scared but not as much as before, it fades abit over time but never fully will I suspect xx

Similar here -although I ended up in intensive care after losing over 3.5 litres of blood. Was a life or death situation and after I woke up couldn't see my baby for hours as she was in a different hospital. It was awful, affected our initial bonding and I still get anxious now. Actually thinking of going to the doctor about it.

violetta, your delivery sounds like my first one. I did find it traumatic but wasn't still thinking about it so much after a few weeks, it felt more like a bad dream by then. I would speak to your GP about what you're experiencing.

Violetta google birth trauma post traumatic stress disorder and go speak to your gp about it. It took me 8 months to so it but I went with the right knowledge and was offered Cbt for ptsd. Worked brilliantly. It isn't 'normal' to think about it everyday (perhaps I still do, but in a very positive way).
Sorry you feel like this, but it can change.

I did the same - induction followed by intense back to back labour with contractions six in ten mins (too many!) and epidural didn't work. Ended up with DD getting very stuck and a got-to-get-baby-out-in-next-five-mins c-section which had to be done under general anaesthetic because of the need for speed and the fact there was insufficient epidural.

I was plagued by it for ages, particularly the fact I hadn't seen her being born, hasn't held her for until an hour after birth and that I was really hazy on what had actually happened to cause the need for a crash section.

I requested my maternity notes from my hospital and it basically sorted me out. Just being able to read it all gave me the context I was missing.

My hospital also said at the time of my delivery that if I wanted to go back and discuss what had happened with a senior midwife they would be happy to talk me through it all - particularly once the post birth adrenaline had worn off etc. might be worth investigating. But would definitely think about getting your notes if you haven't already.

Oh no, this has gone on wrong thread ! Will try and get it moved!

I had a very traumatic birth where me&my baby nearly died. I have flashbacks,panic attacks and cannot go into the hospital where it happened. it has changed me as a person

I think its get better with time but cbt may be helpful.

I really feel for you. I also think this is more common than people realise.

I also had a traumatic first birth. I was still getting flashbacks when ds was one and we didn't really celebrate his first birthday as I couldn't face it.

I strongly recommend going back to the hospital and talking it through with them (they should have a PALS service who can put you in touch with the right people). Even though it was over a year later my hospital were fantastic and really helped me understand what had happened and why my labour had gone the way it did. After that the flashbacks stopped and I was able to stop blaming myself.

Very best wishes

I hope this is the case everywhere but at my hospital, regardless of when you gave birth there, you are always entitled to counselling about it.

I didn't have as traumatic a birth as you for ds1, induction, ventouse and episiotomy delivery and then a few hours in scbu for ds however I think of it newly every day now he's 21 mo and had flashbacks all day on his first birthday. Ds2 born 2 mo ago and entirely different experience and much more positive which has really helped

I could have written your post OP. I had a pretty similar experience to yours bar the amount of blood loss. My first thoughts on giving birth to DD were 'She's beautiful' and 'Whatever happened we are both OK' so clearly for you it differed in a significant way for whatever reason (there is a lot that can happen that can't be articulated by a brief description of clinical events).

It did bother me a bit as I worried a lot before 2nd baby was born Oct 2011 that the same thing would happen again. During 2nd labour I spoke to the midwife and she reassured me about a lot of things that had been praying on my mind. I can honestly say it was an enjoyable birth experience that made me think about a DC3 for a long time.

I would advise talking to someone as I think if you are still thinking of the birth in a negative way at this stage then it is something you need some help to work through.

Thanks everyone for your messages of support and for sharing your own experiences! It's so good to read that many of you felt this way after DC1 but went on to have further babies!

I've been giving it some thought over the weekend and am considering asking for CBT, as it could be that I've got used to thinking about the birth in a certain way. As many of you suggest, asking for the notes (or for someone to talk through them with me) might also provide a different perspective. If nothing else, the scientist in me will enjoy the medical terminology...

Thanks again to all.