Did I do the right thing - feeling like I've let my son down.

[homeappliance]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place, but here it goes. My son will be four at the end of august and because he is due to start school in September (he'll be the youngest in the year) I've been going over and over the circumstances of his birth. I especially feel guilty because, perhaps, if I'd done things differently he might have been born in September instead and would be at home for another year.

My ds was due on the 31st August. When I was 39 weeks, I started to leak amniotic fluid. Sometimes it was a trickle and sometimes it was a little gush. I remember having to wear a pad, sometimes it was damp and sometimes it was heavy. It was definitely not wee and it wasn't all the time. This happened over several days (on and off), and when I told my community midwife she said I needed to go into hospital and be induced. Being my first pregnancy I didn't question this at all.

I was induced with a drip and it all went horribly wrong and ended up having an EMCS. My notes read that I was induced because of PROM, but I remember having to have my waters broken during labour. Perhaps it was just my hindwaters that were leaking and I've read these can be replenished?

I'm so pleased to have a happy and healthy son but I can't help but think, did I need to be induced? Is this normal procedure? Should I have asked to be monitored instead?

Goodness, I don't think you should feel guilty at all!

None of us can choose when our babies are born, they decide themselves! Yes doctors have a tiny bit of input, but that is to ensure the best possible outcome for the baby, much more important than whether they are the oldest or youngest in the year.

It sounds like the birth of your DS was quite traumatic, maybe it would be worth talking to someone about it or getting someone to go over your notes with you to set your mind at rest?

Sensible post from AndIFeedEmGunpowder - don't be so hard on yourself, you really shouldn't feel guilty.

Lunatic I'm so sorry about your dd2

Thank you so much for your replies. Lunatic, I'm so sorry to hear about your dd2, very sad. I realise how lucky we are to have my ds considering what happened, and you're right that I'm still a bit traumatised by it all. I think this is the root of why I feel this guilt. I don't want this to come across as a pfb type post.

6 months after ds birth, I did meet with a senior midwife to discuss his birth/ go through his notes but I didn't find this particularly useful at the time.

Thank you for suggesting the primary education board, I've been following the posts about summer borns starting in September. I think the best thing would be for my ds to start with all his class.

That seems crazy that people plan to conceive for October babies!
I do need some 'closure' about my sons birth and talking about it does help. It doesn't feel as raw as it did before though

I don't think you're being pfb at all. Childbirth can be frightening and It's horrible when you lose control and don't get the experience you hoped for.

We all want always to do the best for our DC and I understand wanting the 'ideal birth' for them (if there is such a thing?) but you really couldn't have changed this and he sounds gorgeous! I'm sure a summer birth will never hold him back.

Do you have a sympathetic GP or Health visitor you could mention your feelings too? I understand your debrief was unhelpful but maybe talking to someone about how you still feel guilty and (understandably) traumatised might help? x

My dd was born 31.08.09, over two weeks before due date. I had water leaking like you and started contracting on the bank holiday Sunday to a point where I couldn't breathe through them.

They admitted me and monitored me, and in the end dd was born at 5pm on bank holiday Monday.

It was an horrendous labour and birth, mostly due to a student me urging me to push, when I was only 5cm dilated. I had a terrible PPH and we both ended up with 3 days in ICU.

Anyway, fast forward almost 4 years and dd is SO excited about big school, she's ready to go, we've done her first induction and she loves it.

Look on the big positive, it's a year less childcare to pay for. You haven't failed your ds, he was born when he was born and that's that! :)

The question you asked was "did you do the right thing?"

Regardless of what happened you made a decision that you thought was in the best interest of your child and you trusted the judgment of the professionals you were in the care of.

Let me strongly emphasis that you acted in the best interest of your child at the time on the advice of professionals. You should not feel guilty in any way.

The question of whether you should have induced or monitored is a completely different one. Its one about the competency of staff and whether they put your best interests first. Its one that you are viewing with the benefit of hindsight and without knowing what the out come would be if you had gone down the route of monitoring.

Think about it like this; is there a scenario where you could be starting this thread saying "why wasn't I induced?" and the answer to that question is yes.

So please don't beating yourself up with this. You did what you believed was the right thing at the time based on the information and advice given to you and any responsibility actually ultimately therefore lies with your carers anyway.

You can not spend the rest of your life blaming yourself over this. You need to find a way to get closure over this and start living again.

The memories of birth will not go away completely. Have you ever talked to your mum or grandmother about their births? I find that when I do, although less raw, the stories are still alive with details.

A debrief was not enough for me to move on from my first birthing experience. I got hold of my own notes and went through them in private with an I.M, spending about 5 or 6 hours on them. But this was after 3 years. And now my first child is rising 6 I still dwell on his arrival into the world with a little sadness. I think validating that feeling is hugely positive.

Fabulous that you're so enjoying your little one's company. We're home educating for now, as I felt mine was too young to be apart from me on a full time basis. Steiner Schools don't start lesson based work till they're 8, and I've been pleasantly surprised at how supportive and varied the home educating activities and groups we have locally to chose from. If home education not for you, you could always defer or research into flexi schooling too. One of my friends has arranged to have her daughter at home one day a week, which works well too. Just a thought!

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry I haven't replied sooner but I've been reading your messages and reflecting.

It's been so helpful hearing about everyone else's experiences and perspectives. It's sad to hear that some of you have had similar experiences, sometimes without a good outcome I do feel very lucky to have such a happy and healthy (occasionally challenging) little boy. He's changed so much in recent months and I am starting to see that he'll be ok in September. Perhaps it's me that isn't ready, and that's why these emotions about his birth have resurfaced?

Last night, when my ds was asleep, I went into his room and softly whispered to him that I was sorry about when and how he was born and that I always did my best for him. Just that simple act lifted a lot of the guilt I'd been carrying in recent days/weeks.

I'm not ready to talk to my mum or dh about how I've been feeling, and I'm not ready to analyse my ds birth again. I just need to learn to accept that it is what it is.

If it is any help I always find that it helps if I write it all down, pour out every single thought and get it on paper. Leave it a few days, read it through and tear it up. I find it therapeutic - I wouldn't want anyone else to read it. It clears my mind.