Birthing partners at HB: how many is too many?

[Ilovestackingcups]

So, since a somewhat traumatic first birth in an MLU-Hospital setting, I decided to try and avoid the same levels of stress in labour by going in for a HB.

Obviously, I want DH to be there, but I was counting up all the people who have since asked to be involved, and I am finding the numbers sound too overwhelming to me. If things go as they currently look to be going, I will once again not manage the calm, tranquil and stress free birth experience I am hoping for.

Guest list to my HB so far:
DH
DMum
Close friend, former MW, sort of doula figure
2 x NHS MWs
1 x NHS student MW
And me, plus pool.

My living room isn't that large. Somewhere in this scenario, DC1 will also be involved.

Did anyone else find themselves in a similar situation, and how did you manage to scale it back to accceptable levels? Was having a large number of birth attendants a positive thing for you? Did it wreck the whole thing?

I think the thing that is bothering me is not the friends/family aspect, so much as the presence of strangers (MWs) who will be there. I cannot afford an IM, so have no guaranteed continuity of care. If I was more confident, I would just not tell them to come until I was pushing, but I know that would terrify DH, and I also appreciate that this is not necessarily a very clever attitude to take. My friend who is a former MW herself has said that she does not want to be put into the position of being professionally responsible for me, which I totally understand.

I also don't get the number of people who have actually asked to be present. I feel like my labour is going to be a party or something. At each request, I blithely said yes, but now I'm having real second thoughts about whether I shouldn't have dug my heels in more and just said no.

I had loads of people, it was fantastic! I think it's a personal thing though, I liked it but you might not be comfortable with the same thing.

I think I am just feeling a bit miffed by so many people expecting that they have a right to attend. I am not big on crowds when I'm pain free and fully dressed, and I sort of have this mental image of having to play hostess from my pool: Canapé anyone?

I also don't know who I'd not have there from the list above. We live a good 30 miles away from the nearest hospital in case of an emergency transfer, so part of me is thinking this way I have definitely got someone to look after DC1 if DH and I have to rush off. Last time, when I was blue-lighted off to a larger hospital from the MLU, they wouldn't let DH come in the ambulance with me, and he'd been up for hours and was terrified/knackered, so my DMum drove him.

Well you could say no to the student midwife, which would reduce it by one! Who has asked to be there? Your Mum and your friend?

I didn't even register the second midwife with mine, and DM was upstairs with DD. I had no student MW but there were three paramedics in the hall after a spike in BP while I was pushing! Only noticed one of them long enough to tell him to F off. But they had to wait until the placenta was delivered.

SolomanDaisy you're right. I should've said no to the student from the beginning. I was put on the spot by the Community MW. I want to be able to provide a learning experience, and I feel guilty for planning to deny her this. There aren't many HBs here at the minute; to my knowledge, I am the only one booked in for the month I am due.

Those who have asked to be there are mum, friend, and the student MW. Mum is showing an unusual keeness to be involved. She can really stress me out, but did step in and help out hugely during my last labour, and was I think a calming influence for DH too. My friend is someone who kept me grounded through a good deal of really horrible times during last PG and early days with DC1. I trust her much more than I feel I will trust the two MWs who I may never have met before.

Hawkmoth does that mean there aren't always two MWs present all the time? I'd feel much better knowing only one was going to be there unless there was to be an emergency/for the final stages.

The second midwife comes for the second stage. It all happened pretty quickly and I was in my own little world anyway. Rest assured I have no guilt for being less than hospitable! I do remember apologising for my nakedness at one point, but that's it!

You cannot have the second midwife in another room. In fact, you can have both of them in another room for quite a lot of the time!

I had one qualified mw and one student mw doing her qualifying birth with me.

Dc slept through it and dh was next to me.

Other mw popped in to deliver gas because I was using it at a rate of knots!!

How about DH is with you at all times. You give DMum the job of looking after DC1 so when things hot up, she gets on with that in another room. If your friend doesn't want to be professionally responsible maybe she could be in the room with you until you are at the point of needing two midwives and she could look after tea/toast for everybody or do something other jobs. You say no yo the student and give the reason if lack of space. As for the midwives, you do need two for the actual delivery but not until that point. Could you discuss having one taking the lead and the other appearing at the important moment (she could hang around in the kitchen and be on hand if needed but not in your space). I've heard lots of women feel cocooned and private in the pool so maybe that will help?

Sorry for typos - on phone

Sounds like DH is going to need to give marching orders whilst I sit in my pool then!

This is sounding silly even to me, but I don't want to have to be telling anyone what to do/where I want them when I am in labour. I was heinously ignored/overidden last time, I don't want to even get near to a situation where that could even possibly happen again. It was incredibly traumatic.

Thanks though for all of your lovely suggestions. I do think I may have to be mean to the student. She comes to all my appts too, so I don't know when would be the best time to tell her no.

I was sort of hoping this would all kick off at night too: DC1 asleep, DH here with me, no one else need know until it's maybe too late to do much. Has this worked for anyone else?

Exactly how it started for me.

Ds was 2 weeks late...had the phone all from my parents about 8pm to ask "any news?" Said goodnight to them, and settled down for the evening. By 9pm, contractions were getting regular and I knew that it was going to happen.

Laboured through the night. Dc slept in the room next door. Had ds about 5 am.

Kids woke up about 7am. Met their new brother. I phoned my folks about 8am to let them know that the bump had landed...lovely jubbly!!

Good luck..when is your due date?

Just realised my last post said cannot when I meant can!

Late Sept. DC1 was 13 days late, so possibly early Oct. I remember being told that most labours get going at night, but no idea why. mine didn't last time, but it would certainly be handy if it could this time around.

mine will be this (Im 38+ weeks now so could be any time)

Me (i hope to be in rather than next to my pool this time)
OH
(possibly DD aged 20 / 21m depending on time of day)
ONE midwife (other in next room, only allowed in if midwife 1 "needs" her)
NO students

i will be hypnobirthing so dont want an audiance / people in my space etc etc

last time it was so fast only 1 midwife had arrived (a few mins before and hadnt un packed her car), so it was just the 3 of us anyway.