I too had a terrible first birth experience, and as you feel OP I didn't want to even consider the prospect of ever having another baby. Like you, I had originally planned three, as I am a very happy one of three myself.
I am currently 17 weeks with DC2, but it was a long road to get here, and I hope you can eventually feel able to consider another conception too if that's what you want.
Some of the things that helped me were:
Counselling. I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety following birth, and through my GP was referred to a counselling service. I attended for several months, and by the end I definitely felt much stronger in myself at that time, I still wasn't ready to consider another baby by this point, but it helped me to put the past birth experience behind me, to be a stronger peron in the present iyswim.
Support. from my husband and my family. Also his family in their own way (we aren't that close). I told DH I didn't want any more children, and he was gutted as he wanted more, but he understood me, he stood by me, and when I changed my mind, he supported me again. I also had support from my local GP, who called me in to see her weekly and asked me how I was. This was above and beyond what I was expecting, and helped me to realise that she would be there for me if I ever needed her again. In the end, I left my final appointment knowing I was strong enough not to need to go back.
Hormones. I felt I needed to have another baby. Can't explain it any other way than hormones. They took over that, and a lack of decent telly at Christmas I think how I thought about a future pregnancy. This only happened for the week I ovulated, and I realised after a couple of months that this was my ideal opportunity to just get on and get pregnant again. I have spent a lot of the time when my hormones have been normalised again wondering if this was the right decision.
Confidence. In myself, as a woman who has successfully borne one healthy child to term, and delivered her into the world. It didn't go my way, like you (not that I had any expectations, my problems were more around the later stages of my labour). I was also confident enough to decide how my labour would run. Last time, at the first sign of a contraction, I was nervous. I hardly ate, I didn't sleep, I was in and out of the MLU where I had booked in. I eventually ended up in there too early, they had too long to be too involved in how I was labouring, and by the time I should have been making any decisions, both I amd DH were too exhausted to gainsay what they then did to me. This time, I have told them I am having a waterbirth. I have kept NHS interventions at an arms length because I now see that all births do not neatly fit in the one-size-fits-all mould of the current health service guidelines. I will not agree to any tests I do not feel are necessary (this is a personal choice, not one I suggest anyone else tries for. I have done so because I am a very healthy, young low risk mother who does not want the intervention). I am prepared to have to transfer to hospital again if things do not go well for me or DC2, but that is still a long way down the line.
Communication. This time, I have started telling everyone who will be invovled in my labour what I am planning. Last time I assumed a lot of things would just fall into place. They didn't. For example, I have a very nervous DH who wouldn't know what I wanted unless I had written it down, and who would fold as soon as a medical professional suggested an alternative, unless I let him know how that affects me. Last time, my mum ended up with me (unplanned) to give DH a rest. This time, she's asked to be there from the start. I have a friend who has also promised to support me. These are all people who will be able to advocate for me during my labour. This is my safety net.
Time. You do forget things. Time gives you the chance to really step back and think about what you want for your life, makes you consider taking that terrifying step anyway (and bugger the consequences).
I do hope that you can come to terms with what happened to you OP, because at the end of the day, I decided I wouldn't let the NHS ruin the life I had planned for myself, with my husband. If it all goes wrong again, I hope to have the confidence to realise that it was just one day of suffering, and that I will have almost completed my family regardless of any poor medical treatment. I hope you can come to realise this too, as it sounds to me like you would like to have the option to consider more children at some point in the future.
PM Me if you'd like to have a chat about any of this.
