Please help 27 weeks and sheer panic at the thought of giving birth...

[MrsMallett]

I am nearly 28 weeks, and I am panicking at the thought of giving birth...I'm not articulating myself well but I am panicking to the extent that its all I can think about...I can't concentrate at work, I'm not sleeping, i feel anxious about it constantly and I keep bursting into tears at the thought of it all..

I tried to speak to the midwife at one of my earlier appointments, but felt she dismissed my fears as first time nerves. When I tried to raise it with a different midwife she told me we would discuss the birth at a later midwife app- but I feel like I can't wait that long

I have always been terrified at the thought of childbirth-I have been with my DH for 12 years (and desperately wanted to have a baby) but have put off ttc for many years because of the thought of the birth

I hate the thought of being in such a vulnerable position, the complete lack of control, the thought of my body being butchered and (what feels like) the inevitable trauma and long term damage-scarring, loss of sensation, incontinence...

I don't want to talk to people in real life (friends and family etc) I don't want people to tell me 'it's not that bad' as the way I feel at the moment it really doesn't help...

I'm in tears writing this-Please help me... what can i do? what should I do? Who should I speak to? Should I be speaking to a midwife? (I have no hope they will listen or be able to help me)...

I am trying to be proactive -I have just started a Hypnobirthing course, and although I feel this may be helpful with dealing with my anxieties I do not believe I can get through the last trimester (and the birth) feeling like this...

Please help-any advice or similar similar experiences welcome

x

You need to be referred to a specialist midwife or doctor who understands about tokophobia. If your midwife isn't listening to you then contact the supervisor of midwives at your local hospital and tell her what you've said to us. You can find out who the supervisor of midwives is by phoning maternity. Ask for an email and phone number.

Most people are worried about labour, but if it's got to the point where it's starting to make you feel emotionally and physically unwell then you need it to be properly addressed.

Good luck with getting the help you need.

Shag has good advice.

I actually enjoyed my labour and the birth. It wasn't painful. I felt so empowered as a woman. I was really apprehensive and convinced I wanted an epidural.

I used visualisations from ante-natal yoga, a TENs machine and paracetamol in early labour. I then got into the birth pool at 8cm and delivered in the pool. It was dark in the room and no-one touched me except to monitor the heartbeat. There was just DH and one midwife. It was totally silent too.

It can be amazing.

I can completely understand your fears - I myself had a fear of giving birth and a terrible fear of needles too and I promise you, you are going to get through this and be better than fine! You just need the right support and it sounds like the Midwives that you've seen don't have the necessary important skills to instill confidence and go through your specific fears. I'd recommend requesting to see an Obstetrician through your Midwife, they should be able refer you for counselling, act ASAP on this to avoid any further distress. Pm me if you want, happy to help support you as I really feel for what you're going through and know that all will be ok. So many people out there go through what younare experiencing my dear and go on to have amazing births. Xxx

Thank you so much for replies

Shag and cupcake-thanks for the advice. I will try and do something tomorrow (I have just googled tokophobia and can definitely relate to some aspects of it...)

MrsDeVere-that's exactly how I feel-I need to do something otherwise I will go mad

Star girl-the birth you describe sounds lovely-I can't imagine getting to the point where that's possible for me...

It really does help to hear of other people who have found a way to cope with these anxieties and to be reminded that others feel/have felt the same
x

All will be well, I promise. Try and keep your mind busy with happy things this evening, keep occupied and try as hard as you can to concentrate on the positive fact that nothing bad is happening to you right now in this moment and there are so many wonderful things to look forward to.

I put off having a baby for about 5 years through being terrified and had counselling to work through my fears and learn the skills to manage them, it is absolutely possible for you to earn to manage your fears too :) I seriously look at my Daughter like a miracle, I still can't believe how amazing it feels to know that I really have faced my fears head on, you'll be able to look forward to this wonderful feeling too, you'll feel like the bravest person in the world, it is so empowering, believe me! I too had hypnotise thing classes and they're a very positive and helpful thing to get involved with, to learn many ways of how to calm yourself. Tomorrow is going to be a better day Xx

How are you feeling today Mrs M? I've been sending good thoughts your way since I got up.

I rang my midwife this morning (I have an appointment next week but didn't feel I could wait until then to get the ball rolling...)

She only had time for a quick chat as she was in the middle of a clinic but she said it was probably a 'fear of the unknown' and suggested writing everything down so we could discuss it at the next appointment, finding a yoga class to go to, and making an appointment with my GP as I might need some pills to help with the anxiety which could be due to a chemical imbalance...

I have mixed feelings about her advice- I have started to write everything down and am finding that helpful (as I did on here last night) even if just to get my thoughts straight. I have done yoga for years (my usual class clashed with aqua natal classes I've also been doing) so finding another class would be good for me. But I don't feel tablets will help me as I feel my fears are rational?!

Thank you cupcake and Stargirl I think I am feeling a little better today
x

But I don't feel tablets will help me as I feel my fears are rational?!

Don't make that mistake Yes it's normal to be a bit nervous about giving birth, or indeed doing anything major (though plenty of women aren't nervous of course). However, the way you are feeling about it is NOT normal and it's really getting in the way of you being able to look ahead to the birth and to enjoy your life in the here and now. Giving birth is a challenge but you CAN feel like you're in control and you're calling the shots, not like a victim of medical staff while you and your body are just along for the ride. I say this as someone who has given birth twice, second time was with no pain relief whatsoever, and I can ASSURE you that I don't have a high pain threshold!

I don't want to patronise you and you have already received good advice, but having had - and successfully treated - anxiety disorders in the past I do know a bit about the nasty tricks our minds can play on us, and so your comment jumped out at me.

I was really scared about giving birth for the second time, though not to the level that you obviously are (ie I mean I was nervous, but determined ... I get the feeling that you are more just nervous). I got a doula and did private hypnotherapy sessions. I'm not wealthy by any means but that was what I wanted to spend my money on, so I did it. The hypnotherapy - with a practitioner specialising in pregnancy and birth - helped me immensely in the months leading up to the birth by giving me something to focus on and to actively DO to prepare myself. I also did a lot of talking with the midwives and hypnotherapist beforehand, which helped immensely. They really listened to me and address all my concerns.

I agree with cupcakemumma that it feels soooo amazing to face your fears head on and come out on top! I am so proud of myself for having given birth to my daughter, and I really want to reassure other women that it can be an incredible experience.