Panic has set in (child birth and afterwards)

[Piercy]

Hi

My brother came over from Ireland this weekend with SIL and family to have Nephew christened. They had loads of support, as in help with caring for Nephew, luggage, hands on care, and SIL sister has had a baby so gives heaps of advise, plus Mum and Dad .

My OH family all in Scotland, I don't have any other brothers or sisters, my parents live in Spain I don't have anyone to turn to for help and it dawned on me we are on our own. I feel more so me as OH is having to go to Scotland when buba arrives for 3 days for a family do at best the baby will be 6 weeks old worst case 4 weeks and I'm on my own.

I don't even know how to change a nappy, there is a huge learning curve in front of me/us. Everyone this weekend kept saying, oh you won't have time for this or that, get sleep now, don't do this do that - I just felt bombarded/swamped and I think hormones are now making me teary and this panic has set in what the hell have I got myself in to did I just go in to this thinking it will be OK.

OH has a child from a previous relationship and I get the feeling he remembers everything through rose tinted glasses.

Brother and SIL don't have a landline they are in the middle of a massive housebuild plus their own busy lives so can't ring. My girlfriends don't have babies in fact one hates them with a passion.

Then there is the labour, I have a real fear of needles, so have opted for waterbirth as I don't want epidural and I don't trust myself to sit still. But just found out if induced can't get in a birthing pool, I don't think I can do labour without some pain relief, and was banking on gas and air, tens, and then water and hypno in the water.

I'm getting myself in to a right old state, I just keep bursting in to tears now.

I feel like I'm drowning and now I'm crying again!

Oh dear, didn't want to read and run, you do sound as if you've got into quite a panic. Having your first child is a massive life change and hits most of us like a steam train BUT that does not mean you won't cope - even without family imediately to hand. You will find your own way of managing and enjoying your new baby.

I hate the thought of epidural too and managed in all three of my labours with just TENS and using the techniques I read about in a book by JuJu Sundin called 'Birth Skills', I can heartily recommend it to you. Don't start worrying about things that may not come to pass, there's no reason right now to think you'll end up being induced or that your birth won't happen in the way you hope so try to let those fears go - easier said than done I know but perhaps if you do a bit of research around positive birth experiences you'll feel more confident.

Try to build a local support network of other first time parents - if you can afford NCT it's a fantastic way of making friends to help you through the early weeks.

Our family is all 150 miles away and we moved to a new area during my pregnancy so knew no-one at all. Through NCT we made some good friends and I had the confidence to branch out and make lots of others.

Ask your parents to come over while your partner is away in Scotland.

Best wishes for everything x

You will be okay - there are many other people who have no idea how to change a nappy etc. And everyone will bombard you with their 'advice', just nod and smile in response. They only want to help, but don't always realise that their help is not needed/wanted!
I have found Mumsnet to be the best source of advice, from everything from breastfeeding to nappy rash.

I would have a chat to your midwife about the labour etc if you can. She will help to put your mind at ease. Is it likely that you will be induced? Have you ante-classes where you could discuss your worries? And most importantly, have you chatted to your OH about this? You need to let him know that you're feeling really bad (maybe show him your post?), he is your support and needs to know how you really feel in order to be able to help you.

Has your fear of needles been put in your birth plan? You don't need to have a real 'plan' as such, but write I HAVE A FEAR OF NEEDLES in big red letters on it somewhere and make sure it is made aware to your midwives when you go into hospital. I wrote OH MUST BE THERE AT ALL TIMES on mine as that was very important to me. Are you going to a hospital or a MLU? Ask for a wee tour if you can, and get yourself familiar with the surroundings.

I too am in Scotland, over 400 miles from my family, had only been living in the area 4 months when I gave birth, and knew no one. It was scary, but I survived!

Good luck :)

I'm due in 4 weeks and could very easily get completely freaked out at this stage.

Things that are helping me stay calm are;

• NCT classes. Not just for making friends (which we have) but also for the practical sessions on how to bath, feed, dress etc all of which was previously a mystery!
• good factual books so you have a reliable source of info to turn to. I got First Time Parent and Your Baby Week by Week based on recommendations on MN and am finding them both factual and clear which is helping me not feel overwhelmed
• mum and baby groups - lots will welcome you before your LO is born. It's actually a great chance not just to meet mums but to see babies close up IYSWIM. I've just been once so far but it's helping to demystify changing, feeding etc. All those new mums there seem to be coping in a variety of different ways - many in much tougher circumstances than me - which helps keeps things in perspective. If they can do it, so can I (and so can you too )
• tour of the delivery suite helped a lot - just knowing where to go in the giant hospital, where to park, how to operate the door buzzer, when exactly to call them etc is really reassuring.
• mumsnet! The wisdom of all those of who have done it before is invaluable. Pretty much anything you want to know (and lots you don't!) can be found on here.

This is not to say I'm not panicked - I really am! But I'm keeping it under control by keeping informed and getting the practical stuff under control.
Good luck

You will have changed so many nappies in the first week you will be a pro! You will be fine, I promise! While DH is away just don't worry about anything but you and baby, get food in that's easy to cook or order pizza and just sleep when baby sleeps.

As for labour, understand totally what you are feeling but IMO you just have to go with it, you may find that g&a is all you need, but If you need more take it one step at a time, midwives will be understanding.

Good luck with everything - I know this sounds cliche but just try and enjoy all of it, I'd give anything to rewind - there is nothing more amazing than holding your newborn baby best shut up before I get broody for no 3 xxx

By four weeks you will be a nappy changing pro! So really don't worry about that. I always wondered when the antenatal classes were all about the benefits of breastfeeding (despite everyone in the group saying they intended try and bf) and not how to change a nappy, etc. But they show you this in hospital. Our midwife showed us how to bathe baby and change a nappy and you weren't discharged until they'd seen you do it!

You don't need a landline to your IL's if you have access to mumsnet

I also have a, well not a fear of needles as such, but of epidurals and I was adamant I would not have one. I am not in the UK (so also away from family) and here the choice is nothing, water or epidural. That's it. I had my first in the water and I won't lie, it did hurt, but it was certainly doable. How likely is it that you will be induced? I assumed I would go late and be induced because my sister was but actually my two both came early. You cannot tell what will happen. Yes, discuss with your DH that you want x, y, and z. If this happens, then you want this. But don't dwell on it. My birth plan was "DH, don't you dare leave me alone" (language issues!) and "DH, don't you dare let them give me an epidural".

Don't listen to people who tell you what you will have time for. It's baby dependent and that you can't know until you meet him/her. DS was a handful, DD happy to sit/sleep in the chair all day long. I knew nothing about babies before mine came along and DH had only one week off, so I was alone quite quickly afterwards. We managed. Make sure your DH has helped with the shopping so you don't need to go out whilst he's away and that there are meals in the freezer. Ignore the cleaning, snuggle up with your newly made baby on the sofa and be proud that you made this little thing. You will be fine.

Thank you for your lovely support messages, today I'm feeling a little better (I'm sure my hormones are raging at the moment), and possibly a little more sleep last night.

My OH is supportive he has been brilliant first thing he asked this morning was how was I feeling he keeps giving me lots of hugs and telling me 'it will be OK'.He is brilliant with me when I have to have needles anywhere near me, he knows I only have to hear them opening the packet and the tears and the shaking start and he knows he is not allowed to leave me alone

4 weeks till due date on Thursday, and I'm sure I will be on here again with the next saga/drama - especially after the response I've just had

Enjoy the sunshine everyone

hello

I can't add lots as i'm 33 weeks with my first.

DH had never changed a nappy and I had tried (and failed!) once with my nephew 6 years ago...so we took a newborn nappy out of the pack and found a teddy/doll to try it on (considered trying it on the cat!). So that's one little thing that doesn't feel so alien. I'm sure that our first ones will still fall off, but i'm also sure we'll be pro within a week.

I've also just started reading How not to be a perfect mother, by Libby Purves, that was recommended to me, and that's taking the heat out of feeling like I have to be a perfect mother - plus it's quite funny in places.

As the other posters say, if you join NCT or look for other free or paid for mother and baby classes you'll soon meet people.

For the needles fear, i'm having a CS and am terrified of the cannula (bad experience) and spinal - I sometimes use EFT (also known as Tapping) that can be a good technique for reducing anxiety around a specific trigger. You can get a free intro pdf download book here www.eftfree.net/the-eftfree-manual-download-page/ and look for EFT/Tapping videos on you tube for a practical demo of how to use the tool.

HTH!

Hey! Just wanted to reassure you that you'll be fine :) I have always had a fear of needles and worried about labour beforehand too - but I've done childbirth twice, once with an epidural and once with just a tens machine. In the midst of it all happening and having contractions and knowing you're about to meet baby you really care very little about the things that you'd worried about beforehand. I was surprised how little I cared about having a cannula (nice anaesthetist used local anaesthetic, barely felt it) or who came in to peer up my nether regions to check on baby emerging! The cleaner could take a look for all I cared.

Also, as said by others, by 4 weeks you'll be a pro. Don't panic when baby is 1 or 2 weeks old - the first 2 weeks are by far the hardest, then suddenly it all clicks more into place and gets a lot easier. How competent you feel looking after baby at 4 weeks is light years from how you'll feel at 2 weeks. When dd2 was 10 days old dh was away for the weekend leaving me with newborn plus 3yo ds. I worried about it beforehand but managed fine with ready meals in the fridge, no expectations and not bothering if I didn't make it out of my pyjamas till late in the day. One day though I think I actually took them both to the museum! (Must have had a freak burst of energy and enthusiasm!)

The last few weeks of pregnancy are when the hormones kick in big-time - you may find yourself worrying about all sorts but please try to remember that this is entirely normal, you will be fine! :)

My situation with DC1 was somewhat similar in that I had moved to DH's country so was away from my family. In-laws live 450km away so we were very much on our own. I didn't have (m)any friends here at that point and I had very little experience with babies.
I found the first several months extremely difficult. I was terrified of doing something wrong and the extreme lack of sleep made me question my own sanity sometimes. I would have hated being left for a weekend. DH had a function he had to attend one night and went out for a few hours when DS was 6 weeks. I was in quite a state when he returned as I was having bf problems (blocked ducts and mega engorgement) that had developed into fever and chills while he was out. DS was doing perfectly fine however! I kept him skin to skin with me and he was always a happy infant.
If I was in your situation I would arrange to have backup with you for the time that DH is away. Could your parents visit from Spain? Perhaps one of your (childless) friends could stay with you. Failing that how about a doula? Could your partner stay home instead?
Perhaps you'll sail through your transition to motherhood. But many women find it extremely tough. I underestimated how hard it would be psychologically. I have never before or since felt so fragile and it lasted for months. I'm preparing for DC2 and am relieved to hear that second time is easier psychologically.
I don't mean to frighten you. I just recommend you arrange to have some support. I'm sure you will manage very well whatever you decide, I just recommend finding the easiest option for you. Feeling supported in the early weeks was so important to me. Best of luck.