"Some Women Shouldn't BE Mothers"

[Levanna]

I've been bobbing around here on MN for the last few weeks or so, working up the courage to get this out of my system!
I had my daughter in hospital, it was a great birth, I was really enjoying it from within, (can't say I enjoyed the minor interventions imposed on us from outside !) but I found it really fullfilling, and under 5 hours later, my DDD came into the world.
About 5 hours after the birth, my daughter had trouble breathing, I pressed the emergency button, and a midwife came in, grabbed my baby from me, and ran away from me, with her, down the corridor, without a word. I belted along behind, at full waddle, and followed her into the nursery, where the suctioning equipment was situated. By the time we got there, my daughter was ok, so the midwife went back into the corridor towards the room. About halfway down, my daughter again had problems breathing, so the midwife (looking extremely panicky at this stage) charged back into the nursury, with me in hot pursuit. A second midwife was in the nursery, and she proceeded to suction my daughter. At this stage I froze. I was feeling really 'not with it' by then, scared, like I was in a surreal situation; it's hard to describe, but the fear for my baby was just overwhelming. The midwife completed suctioning, handed my daughter back to me, looked me straight in the eye, and said "Some women shouldn't BE mothers", I was too shocked to reply, and just left the room under her distainful stare.
This unfortunately had a hand in catapulting me into depression, major anxiety about my maternal capabilities abounded. After all, my ability had been not just questioned, but stamped and s**t on within hours of the birth.
It's taken me over a year and a half to tell anyone about this. I haven't even told my husband yet.
I have problems concieving due to PCOS, and I'm over the moon to be pregnant again now. What I really could do with help on, is how not to let this incident affect my next childs birth. Or me on the whole, any longer. I've already decided on a home birth and this incident has played a deciding part in that decision. I'm well again now, after being depressed, but I can feel thoughts about all this bringing me down again, and I'm scared that if, for some reason, someone did anything like this again, that I just wouldn't be able to cope. How can I drive away this anxiety?

Sorry to take your thread on a tangent Levanna but Chandra's story had so many echoes for me... maybe some mothers just feel threatened that their daughters are becoming mothers too? I don't know why people like your appalling midwife/some of our mothers feel they can stamp all over new mums ... perhaps there should be a new parenting manual aimed at relatives and healthcare workers telling them how to support new parents instead of stamping all over us. Hope all the responses have confirmed for you that what happened was wrong and that you have a much better experience this time.

Levanna, I found it really helpful to talk through my traumatic post-natal experience with the hospital's Head of Midwifery. I was coached through how I was going to approach the meeting by a wonderful local health visitor, so that I knew what I wanted to get from it. It was very empowering to get the acknowlegement and apology I was seeking.

What was said to you was absurd and abhorent, and I urge you to take it further. It really helped me, and I can now drive past the hospital without a sick shudder. May it happen for you!

Good God Levanna, I can hardly beleive this ! What a terrible, terrible way to behave. I would report it to the hospital authorities, I know it has been a while but you should tell SOMEONE.

Hugs
WSM

Levanna, just read this today as I am catching up, not being on Mumsnet for a bit. Everyone has given you wonderful advice, SuzyWong that website looks like a great place to startEddm also gave you some good info on where to take this if you choose to. It is wonderful that you were able to speak about it here, this is a tremendous website and is very supportive as you can see. I also had a horrible birth experience in the hospital, my nurse spoke to me like I was some kind of a moron and told me that I was not in labor as my contractions were not at all regular, that it was not clear that my water had broken etc. As it was my first baby (and last) you just feel so vulnerable. After she put some litmus into my "ch", she did admit that my waters had broken. I went through an additional 10 hours of labor, a total change of nursing staff, and was given potosson (sp) to bring on the regular contractions.

I was then put on a monitor with no explanation, I was in horror thinking they were putting a thumbtack into my daughter's head and I couldn't move with the monitor on. I was yelled at out on and off for the next three hours by the nursing staff as each time I moved a bit, the monitor stopped working. It turned out that the cord was wrapped around my DD's neck and with each contraction her heart slowed down. I had to wait an additional 40 minutes after she crowned to get a place in the birthing room. The doctor actually had to go inside me to cut the cord away before she was "helped" out of me. When she was delivered she was rushed away from me, very ashen and was seen by a neonatal specialist as she was having trouble breathing. Thank God she stablized, she was three weeks early and just 5 pounds. I left the hosptial a day later in a complete daze with no real family support at all and had a very difficult time the first year. Sorry to go on so about my birth experience, but I don't want you to feel alone in this at all. I can't imagine being told anything like what your midwife said!! I do hope you are feeling better and that your choice for the home birth will be so much better. Going through the pregnancy is bound to bring up all of those old feelings, so this is to be expected. Today my DD is a beautiful 9 year old, so all ended quite well despite my terrible experience! You will be great this time because you have practice!

Levanna, i wanted to reply earlier but didn't have time! I am really sorry for that awful experience you had, it is truly disgusting that at your most vulnerable time some cow can be so rude!
Even though it's more than a year on i would still complain. It sounds like she is the one who was completely out of order and God forbid she should make some other mam feel so bad!
As ,(apart from the obvious thing of your daughters health), this womans attitude is the thing you remember about the Birth, you will very understandibly be worried about this one. Just think of this, she is ONE woman who was bang out of order at the worst time!
I am the last one to praise the medical proffesion as i am very sceptical/cynical about anything they say but i had LOVELY midwives and everything was great! I am just telling you this so you know that there are alot of midwives out there who will stay in your thoughts as angels! It's a sad, sad fact that you got an awful one, but this time, you might get a lovely one who appreciates you

Hi, thanks for all your support. It's really helped it to sink in that I AM a good mum!Regardless of what some woman who met me for a brief few seconds hours after my DD's birth said, (for no apparent reason!)
I used the link to the website, and I think I will call one of the ladies listed . It sounds like a really good idea as a way of continuing this expulsion of all those 'orrible feelings and thoughts.
I have also briefly mentioned it to my community midwife (s/v). I'm actually quite close to her, as she's involved in the breastfeeding group I help run. She was quite astounded at what had happened, and she's coming round to my house soon, so I'll be able to talk it through more with her then.
Thank you all again for your suport and kindness (and outrage on my behalf!). It has really worked wonders for me, and made me feel much more confident about broaching this with other people.
Levanna

so pleased for you Levanna - that you have confidence in your skills as a mum, hope the BCN counsellor can help you

all the best

Hi, my midwife called the other day, and we had a great natter about the forthcoming homebirth . She also suggested I change my hospital (to hers ), firstly, because if for any reason baby and I need to go in, I'll certainly feel more comfortable without the worry of bumping into 'that' midwife again. Secondly, I might be more comfortable about persuing it if I'm booked elsewhere. She's really helped reassure me , and has taken my concerns completely seriously (not that at this stage I doubted she would, but it feels good anyway!)
Thanks again
Levanna