Dear Mumsnet,
I am writing for advice around Tocophobia/Toxophobia, the fear of pregnancy or childbirth, which is something that I have had for as long as I can remember.
I think it started at the age of 14 when I was shown a gruesome live childbirth video. I was so traumatized by it that I ran out of the room and threw up in the toilet. Ever since I have felt very uncomfortable about breastfeeding, being pregnant and childbirth and every time I think about falling pregnant I feel sick.
I have been in a few long-term relationships and am always totally paranoid about falling pregnant (despite the fact I take contraception) and often do a few pregnancy tests a month. The very idea of being pregnant makes me feel sick. I love kids and want to be a mom however I wonder if I will ever be able to have children because of this fear. I have spoken to many women about this and have not met anyone who is as scared as me.
When my best friend got pregnant I tried really hard to overcome this fear so I could support her (reading pregnancy books etc) but I am still scared. I am now in a serious long term relationship with a man who is dying to have kids. I said we would begin trying in a year after we have been together one year (I am mid 30s). I have tried to explain to him how scared I am and he said he would be with me every step of the way. I went to the doctor and explained my fear to her and she said that perhaps she could organize for me to have a C section. This comforted me however my fear remains.
My questions around my problem are as follows;
*Are there are support groups for people like me?
*Is there anything I can do to overcome this fear so I am ready and comfortable to get pregnant?
*Is there anyone else out there who has this fear and managed to have a child?
I live overseas in a non-English speaking country with no access to psychological support!
Any advise gratefully received!