feel like a failure

[mummytobe1990]

I had my DD 3 weeks ago and she is a lovely, perfectly healthy little girl. My labour was horrendous though. My midwife was awful, telling me not to push even tho i was fully dilated and i ended up in theatre having episiotomy and ventouse delivery because i was too tired to finish pushing.

I just cant shake the feeling of being a failure that i didnt give birth to her on my own, that some how i did something wrong or i should of tried harder
I know its silly but i cant help it, has anybody else experienced this and how did you cope?

Can you ask for a debrief by another midwife? It might help you to understand why your midwife was telling you not to push - sometimes you can get a bit of cervix left that isn't properly thinned out ('anterior lip'), even though you are dilated, and if you push against it, it can prevent the baby coming through - could be that this is what happened to you and it just wasn't properly explained to you?

Please try not to beat yourself up any more, and enjoy your lovely baby - you couldn't have tried any harder, and you did 9 months of hard work and only needed a few minutes of help right at the end.. Congratulations on becoming a Mum!

My friend felt like this too, she wanted to give birth naturally and refused a section, ended up with ventouse, only to suffer from horrendous tearing that was so bad that she HAD to have a section next time.

Its easy for somebody else to say, BUT - you have achieved something wonderful - you have produced a baby. That is not an easy thing to do...

You are NOT a failure. The main thing is that your baby was born healthy and well. you have achieved that. You are a winner..

Put it to the back of your mind, your hormones will be playing you up at the moment and making mountains out of molehills. I sat and cried because I didnt receive one card from somebody, never mind that I received over 200 from other people! Things get blown out of proportion when you are post natal and tired.

Concentrate on looking after your lovely baby DD. Nothing else matters xx

Also, I meant to say - I had a horrendous labour and when DD was born i simply wasnt interested in her. i was exhausted, hysterical with pain, shaking, couldnt hold her, couldnt care less about her.

The next day, I picked her up and cried, to think that I hadn't wanted her the day before. Then I gave myself a good talking to.... Accepted that I felt like that at that moment for a good reason but that I was not going to let it affect my DD or myself.

I wasn't the slightest bit interested in my baby, third time around. Don't know why. As soon as he was born I just passed him to my husband and refused to hold him saying I wanted to sleep. Looking back it was likely that I was slightly in shock. (Won't bore you with details).

You're def not a failure and have done a wonderful job growing a beautiful baby, which you then gave birth to.

Keep in mind that it could be postnatal depression and speak to your midwife if your feelings don't improve.

Congratulations.