DM offering to pay for private midwife. Not sure, would do you think?

[Notsure101]

Name changed for this.

This is a bit of a "my diamond shoes don't match my Gucci dress" problem (although I should say I have neither diamond shoes or a Gucci dress, nor are my parents rich)..but I wondered if I could ask opinions.

DM used to work (in admin) in local NHS mat ward. So she saw the good and the bad during her time there. She has offered to pay for a private midwife for DC2. I think she feels that if she still worked there she could influence my care a bit. I know that sounds very unfair and I am not sure we received special treatment last time, but it is how she thinks.

My previous delivery was fairly quick, 8 hours and apart from loosing a lot of blood was fairly easy and I "enjoyed" pain relief due to a blissful epidural.

I know all labours are different and the next one might not be as simple but my concerns about using a private midwife are:

1. I don't want to opt out of the NHS system, I need consultant care after the bleeding etc, so not sure I'd want to have midwife appointment with the private midwife, I'd rather go through the NHS.

2. I am already anxious about managing to get DS (5 by then) to a safe place in order for us to get to the hospital, I have worries about the PM not reaching the hospital in time. DM & DF do live near and we do have neighbours who could take him and I do know that labour rarely takes the 5 mins it does on TV, just aware first was fairly quick.

3. I feel that I need to believe that NHS care is good enough. I am concerned by opting to use a PM I will create a bit of a monster in my head about the NHS care and if the PM cannot attend for any reason I could be left feeling anxious etc.

4. I do wonder how bringing your own midwife into the NHS delivery suite setting works in reality. I am concerned about being left to it with the PM and/or dropping out of the NHS radar as they think "she is ok".

I do know somebody locally who has used the "famous" PM around here, but she was motivated by her need to have convenient midwife appointments around her high powered job. I freelance so don't have the same issue.

I will need to go straight to the delivery suite to have a hormone drip next time and I am will be on a mission hopeful to get there in time to have an epidural. So I am not concerned about having an intervention free etc delivery which I could see a PM would be useful for.

So, any thoughts from those of you that have considered or used a PM before?

TIA

Have you thought perhaps of getting a doula? She would be your advocate and support but you would very much be within the NHS system.

An independent midwife wouldn't be able to do the labour and birth stuff (except as a doula or birth partner).

Many hospitals won't let private midwives through the door. Well, I'm sure if she said she was a friend/doula they'd have to. But not to actually care for you, so you'd still get an Nhs midwife to look after you in labour. Also the independent midwife unless she works on labour ward as well may not be as up to speed with ctg interpretation, pumps, etc which it sounds like you're going to need.

So the question is. Do you think it's worth paying money for a private midwife for antenatal visits?

Though by all means check with the hospital and the midwife what the position is locally.

Think it needs to be private all the way eg home birth or in private hospital, for that to work. Otherwise your mum is paying a lot of money for someone who can't do anything on the ward really, just act as a doula
Your mum sounds really sweet

Think it needs to be private all the way eg home birth or in private hospital, for that to work. Otherwise your mum is paying a lot of money for someone who can't do anything on the ward really, just act as a doula
Your mum sounds really sweet

Thanks all. Some interesting points I hadn't considered.

Did speak to NHS Community midwife today and she said that the "famous" midwife was well known at the hospital. But she did say that my antenatal care would transfer to her.

Think DM's offer is for a midwife, not sure she'd be up for a Doula.

Ridiculously the thing that is stopping me turning down the offer is the possibility of something going wrong (as it can with any birth) and looking back thinking "maybe I should have taken DM up on the offer".

I think I probably need to ask the local PM what the deal is and make a decision from there.

Thanks all.

Some independent midwives will tailor their package of care so you can perhaps go for as many meetings/discussions antenatally as you choose (but keep your antenatal care with NHS), then act as a birth advocate at hospital. The advantage of this over a doula could be that they're more likely to have professional respect from the midwives helping you, where some doulas may struggle to get heard. But, this is all very iffy and maybe, all depends really on the individual you go with. I'd probably contact a number of local independent midwives & ask them if this is something they'd do & how much experience they have in supporting someone through labour & birth that involves the kinds of intervention you'd be opting for. If the answers aren't satisfactory you can go back to your DM informed.
Also, talk with local birth doulas & ask them the same questions. If there's someone, IM or doula, that you like the answers of, do meet with them to see if you 'click' with them, can imagine them being all you need during labour & birth and find out what their back up arrangements are (eg if they're already helping another woman giving birth - they're careful not to doublebook, but obviously these things are unpredictable). If perhaps a doula is more appropriate for your needs, perhaps your mum may be happy to pay for that knowing you've done your research and perhaps hearing the answers of some of the IMs.

I had a independent midwife for my first baby and am have them again for my current pregnancy. The care they provide is absolutely amazing - service you could never get on the NHS who simply do not have the resources to provide tailoured individual care and who have to abide by NHS trust policies which are not always in line with the best interest of every single person. The independent midwives can only act like a birth partner if you decide to give birth in hospital however there is nothing like having a medically trained birth partner on your side in hospital who can stand up for you and you decisions against the stupidity of some of the NHS birth policies. My first DD was stillborn and it is due to the hard work of my independent midwives that I was able to have access to the top specialist consultant in my current pregnancy as the NHS consultants in my local hospital didn't seem to give a monkeys. I would not have even considered getting pregnant again if I could not afford to hire them.