Thought of hospital birth already makes me feel i've lost control

[YesIveNameChanged]

This could be long sorry so please forgive me.

i had an awful experience for the birth of ds, induced with arm, only given an hour to get into "full blown labour" whole cascade of intervention resulting in forceps delivery that i was not informed about and definately didn't consent to (so much so that i asked if i'd torn i was told by the doctor "i had to cut you")

Anyway, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and had planned on a home birth as the thought of being in hospital again terrifies me. unfortunately this is no longer possible as due to tenancy ending on our property the day before my edd we're moving in with my mil; so a home birth in a 2 bed flat housing 3 adults and a 2 year old just doesn't seem feasible.

The problem is i still dont want to go to hospital. I really want a water birth but as im due around the xmas period i'm already envisaging being told i cant use it as not enough staff. I just feel defeated and like ive lost control already, i intend to write quite a prescriptive birth plan and refuse induction unless medically necessary but i still feel like going to hospital means i'll have the same awful experience as last time.

Can you stay in the house a few more weeks? Just cos the tenency ends doesn't mean they can chuck you out that day. They might be flexible about a few weeks

There are various issues with the house, lack of central heating being one of them. we originally wanted to move out early but the local estate agents all say they have nothing on their books until march. estate agent for our property already has new tennants lined up so i have to commit to our plan of staying with my mil (she's brilliant, thats definately not the issue, shes just not got enough space for home birth)

Is there absolutely no way of having the birth at MIL's flat? It may not be ideal but is it something you have explored? Otherwise is there a birthing centre nearby you could consider? There should be sufficient staff on even over Christmas and New Year.

I thought there were statistics suggesting that around bank holidays there tended to only be skeleton staff working. I Know annecdotally from a friend that the hospital ill be going to wont start off an induction on a friday as they have less staff available at the weekend.

home birth at mils is just not an option as she will be looking after ds for us whilst im in labour. The only room i could use would be the lounge, and i dont think i'd be very relaxed knowing my 2yr old could run in any minute.

i know i just have to get on with it really but i just cant help feeling tense and uptight about it already. not conduicive to labour

Just because they have new tenants lined up doesn't mean you have to move out. I'm not saying stay, if you don't want to, but essentially it's up to you if you move out the day the tenancy ends or not. If you post for advice on that, that's what you'll be told.

Just because they have new tenants lined up doesn't mean you have to move out. I'm not saying stay, if you don't want to, but essentially it's up to you if you move out the day the tenancy ends or not. If you post for advice on that, that's what you'll be told.

Poor you that sounds understandably upsetting, no wonder your mind is playing overtime on this.

I agree with the other posters on the tenancy, when renting, we certainly carried on, on a rolling months contract for a few months post the end of the fixed period - gut be worth asking?

I was lent a lovely book called 'blooming birth' by a friend who wanted to feel more empowered in her second labour, and also face some of the 'emotional fall out' from labour one. It is lovely, very upbeat, doesn't knock one option over another and is easy to read - highly recommend. to amazon

I wonder of you've had any support in addressing your first experience of labour? I know a couple of friends who had completely different but equally unpleasant highly medicalised xperiences and found talking through the experience with a midwife v helpful.

And... Have you got any good midwife led units near to you? They are meant to offer a home from home, as unmedicalised as possible experience, and certainly in my experience from birth one, tend to be populated by midwives who don't especially care for unneeded input from doctors either! This might be a good compromise between home birth and the full on medical OB experience.

Sorry x post on the feedback re tenancy x

I dislike hospitals intensely too (DH feels the same way), as a result of previous operations and unsympathetic staff. So I had both my DC in an independent birth centre, which was wonderful - just us and the midwives, a birth pool just for me, lovely room with candles etc. I wasn't in the UK, though, but there must be similar places there, surely. The big problem is the cost, but it was absolutely worth it for two lovely births.

Got to say nullius the only difference to your birth experience to mine was it was nhs and I wasn't allowed candles...!
The birthing experience with the midwives through a very long labour was fantastic, birth pool, excellent postnatal care, bf support. It was fab.
So it is possible here in blighty and you don't have to private to get it

I second the blooming birth book, it's brilliant. I had a traumatic miscarriage in hospital, followed by blissful homebirth with DS1. With DS2 I tried really hard to have a homebirth but it didn't work out and I transferred to hospital 90 mins before he was born. It wasn't that bad compared to some but I felt out of control and I'd had various people nagging me to be induced for 4 days beforehand which didn't help. Whenever my body tried to go into labour I had someone else telling me I needed to be induced and everything stopped again.

So when I was going to have DS3 and the midwife recommended a hospital birth I said yes because I wanted to avoid the nagging. I had various appointments with the community midwife and the supervisor of midwives at the hospital and we did a birth plan between us. We talked a lot about why I wanted a homebirth and what bits of it we could do in hospital.

One thing for example was that I liked having the homebirth kit at home and having a look through it beforehand so the community midwife gave me a cord clamp and a few other bits to have at home and take it in with me. I wanted to give birth in a familiar place so they tried to put me in the room I was in for DS2. I didn't like the smell in hospitals so I brought in a bath bomb and put it in a jug of warm water in the room. I didn't want to be under pressure to give birth when my waters broke so when they did, I had an hours monitoring, booked induction for 48 hours time and then I was left alone to (hopefully) go into labour in peace.

You can have a birth where you are in control in hospital. Have you thought about hiring a doula?

With the house there was an option to renew month on month, but there is kind of a chain reaction in place that makes staying here very difficult. e.g. to afford being on mat leave i'm giving up my car when its mot is due (start of dec), where we currently live there are no doctors or public transport links so we need to be in my mil's town (where we're hoping to move to) in order for me to be able to get the kids to the doctors they're registered at (mil doesnt drive). without going into all the boring details its perhaps difficult to see why we didnt jusr extend the contract. dp and i did look into it but on balance decided it would be a better (warmer!!) environment for our new arrival staying with my mil.

There is a midwife led centre in the next county but its over an hour away and only one of the rooms has a birth pool, i really like the idea that the pool becomes my own space that no one can touch me in IYSWIM, if i could guarantee i could definately use the one at my local hospital id be much happier, its just the voice of doom in my head keeps saying it wont be available and ill end up strapped to a monitor on a bed again

Is it worth considering which bothers you more - your child around or going into hospital? Neither of them sound ideal for you & where you're at right now but if you decide on one as the better option, you can perhaps start to take steps to improve it as a birthing environment & prepare yourself for it in a positive way.

It's a good point crunching - I was offered a home birth this time but was worried about DS finding me in labour at home. Hence the choice for the mlu.
If can plan for care for your dc, even by mil but they visit say another relative or a friend for the duration, you might have an option?

A couple of thoughts:

This labour will be different from the last one. No induction hopefully, which will make a HUGE difference, and much faster progress. You are unlikely to need any more assistance this time around.

Contact supervisor of midwives at your hospital, explain you are feeling powerless and anxious and ask if you can have support to labour in the way you want. I've c+p'd ideas for a birth plan. Go through it and pick out the things that are important to you. Write up a birth plan and discuss it with the SOM. Make sure your DP is fully on board with your wishes for labour. If he's not assertive maybe think of having one of your friends come in with you to act as doula. They can advocate for you, so you can get on with labouring and birthing your baby. Good luck!

My birth preferences

I want an active labour so please encourage me to move around if I?m not too tired.

I?d like to be left to get on with doing things in my own way as much as possible.

No internal exams unless clinically indicated/ until I feel ready to push/ unless I request one.

If I have to be continuously monitored could you help me to maintain as much mobility as possible.

If I need interventions could you please explain very clearly what you want to do and why ? to me if I?m able to listen, or to my partner if I?m unable to listen or speak coherently.

I?d prefer to get through the labour without pain relief and would like lots of encouragement and support to achieve this.

If I?m not coping I will request pain relief, but I would prefer you not to offer it to me.
OR
If you think that I need pain relief ? I look like I?m not coping - could you offer it to me?
OR
I?d like an epidural /pethidine/diamorphine as soon as I?m in active labour.

If changing position in second stage will help me get my baby out more easily, could you strongly encourage me to do this?

No directed pushing unless absolutely necessary.

I?d like to use the pool for pain relief if it?s available.

I would like/don?t want to deliver my baby in the pool if possible.

I would like a natural third stage if it?s clinically appropriate.

I would like my partner to cut the cord/my partner does not wish to cut the cord.

I don?t want the cord to be cut straight away if possible.

I?d like my partner to catch the baby if the birth is straightforward and the midwife is happy for him to do this.

I would like a managed third stage.

No medical students/I don?t mind if a medical student is present.

I?m happy/not happy to have a student midwife assisting my birth.

I intend to breastfeed and would like to hold my baby straight away. If it?s not possible for me to do this straight away and my baby is well, could my partner be encouraged to have skin to skin contact with my baby instead?

My birth partner is squeamish/anxious/wants to be fully involved.

If I need a c-section I don?t want/I want my baby cleaned up before I hold him or her in recovery.

If I need a c-section could the screen be lowered as my baby is lifted out?

We don?t know the sex of our baby and would like to discover it ourselves rather than be told.

Those are some good birth plan ideas minifingers. One I'd change however is if using the 'I don't want the cord to be cut straight away', I'd be more specific & say don't clamp as it can be misinterpreted as 'don't cut but ok to clamp'. You could go further still and state to 'delay cord clamping as long as possible, preferably til cord has stopped pulsating'.