Moving on from a negative birth experience

[teachertrainer80]

I'm getting ahead of myself as DC is only a few days old but it was quite a negative experience. He was a big baby (8.9 lbs) and I had a bad tear and big bleed (PPH) afterwards and only narrowly avoided needing a blood transfusion. The first stage of labour was 32 hours then 4 hours pushing stage. Exhausting and painful. Moreso than I thought it would be and my expectations were low!

DC is first child and I definitely want another but can't go through that again. How do people begin to move on from a bad birth experience? I'm mid 30's so wasn't going to wait too long for DC2 (although am very much enjoying my newborn and feel differently now anyway- I want time to enjoy him before trying again regardless of trepidation about another birth). Just wondered whether people managed to move on from a negative experience to have subsequent babies and whether you did anything differently in terms of birth choices, pain relief etc. I should say that I only had gas and air and this was only after 25 hours of no pain relief...

I had two bad experiences but both for very different reasons. My first labour was very quick, 6 hours start to finish! Was very painful and had failed epidural. After this my partner was forced to leave due to bug on ward and never saw her open her eyes or cry for first time! That was five yrs ago and still upsets me but to be honest it gets worse!!!

My second was 3 months ago. My ds was 5 wks prem and breech so had an emergency c section. The op should have taken 40 min but took closer to 2 hrs! My ds was born still but was thankfully resuscitated due to havin cord round his neck twice. In an effort to get him out I was quite literally butchered! After the op I had to wait 11 hours before I even got to see him for the first time. During which I was placed in a room by nurses station listening to other women labour. I heard 3 babies cry for first time but not mine. Then I was allowed to see him for 10 min in nicu. Shortly after this I was told we would both be transferred to another hospital more equipped to deal with his condition. After packing my stuff etc I had to badger a nurse for more info only to be told they had already moved him without me or my partner knowing! I had to wait a further 9 hrs before I was able to join him.

Needless to say this has made me very clingy with him and very angry at the hospital etc. however what I will say is that it does get easier. Even after the bad experiences I still have my two wonderful children and those memories will be made forever! Stick with it, enjoy your newborn but don't rule out anymore.

Thanks for replying. Gosh that does sound awful. Glad DS is fine. It is hard being separated from our newborn. This happened to me too but due to my own health complications rather than his.

I'm definitely not going to rule out another DC but just want to approach it with my eyes open next time rather than my 'natural' birth which didn't feel that natural!

Congratulations on your new baby! In answer to your question it just kind of fades from your memory. Obviously very recent for you but after a year or so you forget the horror of it. Until the labour pains start with DC2 then you think oh shit I remember this .

FWIW I had induction, agonising labour then emergency c section with DD1. My main memory is of DH crying while the doctors panicked about getting her out. DC two natural birth took 5 hours was painful but fine. Dont assume you will have the same experience with subsequent births mine were so different I could have been a different person.

Eyes open is good! I had all these grand plans for natural water birth etc. I do wish I had researched sections etc tho so I could have been more prepared.

What I would say is that second labours are meant to be quicker and some women say they can be less painful as you have already used the muscles etc before so your body is better prepared. ( that could be utter rubbish tho [ smile] )

My first birth was horrible. My second was wonderful. It can happen, I promise you.

The things that helped me were:

• talking to other people, mostly online, about their own bad birth experiences and mine. Made me realise that I wasn't the only one who'd had a shitty experience, which helped.
• talking to the hospital about what went wrong and why. Most maternity units have a service where you can meet with a senior midwife and go through your birth notes, asking questions and telling them if there was anything you think they did wrong. This can really help especially if you feel things were badly handled or you would like to know how things might be different next time. birth plan. When I felt pregnant the second time, I spoke to my (lovely) community MW about writing down the things I really* wanted. This included things that didn't happen first time such as "I do not want to be separated from my birth partner", "I do not want to be talked about by staff in the third person while I am in labour", "If I am asked to agree to a procedure that will significantly impact how/where I give birth, I want this explained me me fully before I make my decision". She went through it with me and helped me to pinpoint which issues were really important, and which things were reasonable and achievable.
• home birth. Not sure whether this is an option you would consider but it was wonderful. Being on my own territory made so much difference.

Congratulations on your new baby. Be kind to yourself, it's a wonderful time but a tough one too.

Hi Teacher, it's still early days yet and the trauma is still raw. The memories stay but change in my experience. I was recusitated and ds didn't open her eyes for 2 days she was so unwell, after a further hospital stay of 3 weeks after birth and numerous cock-ups I'm 27 weeks preg with no.2 currently.

After 18 months I had a birth reflection with a midwife and a preconception appointment with an obstetrician before deciding to do it all again.

Oddly enough the first 16 weeks I woke up in sweats about it and since then have been fine. My tactic is not discussing it and bonding privately with my bump- even privately from my dh incase anything should happen. A defence mechanism.

Yours is quite a common story in birth on mn so keep an eye out for very similar threads. Also this time round I'm focussed on what I want from birth whereas the first time, if you're anything like me, you don't have a clue.

Give it another year, you'll be posting a happy news thread I bet :-)

OP I had many similarities with my first birth - dd was 9lb 3oz, long 32 hour labour, ventouse, PPH... felt totally 'in shock' afterwards, and really felt that the process in hospital had been 'brutal' (kept repeating that word over and over through my tears while I was in hospital). I felt very anxious about even returning to the same town that the hospital was in, such was the extent of my fear... but like others on hear say, it does fade in time.

I had a 'talkback' appointment when dd was 6 months, and that was upsetting (seeing the notes again, seeing the hospital again, talking through the events etc) but I felt better after it. I suppose the biggest thing that helped me was talking to other mums and realising that, without wishing to detract from your experience, other people experience similarly traumatic feelings about birth, and I suppose when it is your first you just don't know what to expect at all.

I went on to have ds, and despite being anxious had a natural birth, then had second dd two years ago, and had a completely different type of labour - very quick!! I'm now waiting to be induced with my fourth this Sunday, and am very anxious because I haven't been induced before, so in some respects the anxieties etc don't go away, but you will, in my experience, never feel as bad as you did first time around because then everything was so unexpected, so confusing, no points of reference at all.

Take your time - it is very early days, and you are bound to feel so emotional and its all so raw. Be kind to yourself. People used to say to me, 'ah, but its all worth it' but tbh I felt I shouldn't have had to go through what I'd been through, and it made me feel worse to hear people sort of telling me that I had a healthy baby and should just get on with it. Talk to people who listen and understand, and think about what support you might need to do it again. I was 31 when I had dd1 so felt time was ticking, but 5 years later am now on the verge of #4 so you have plenty of time! Good luck and congratulations!

Fairyjen yeah me too, was all prepared for natural birth- did perineal massage, a bit of hypnobirthing and yoga etc and didn't think about things going wrong...

newby2 a birth reflection sounds like it could be worthwhile. i don't know what the hospital could have done differently though. my cervix just took forever to dilate and was 5 cm for about 24 hours. the pph was obviously not their fault and they dealt with it brilliantly and specialists were in the labour ward pretty much instantly.

Bookbrain i agree finding other people to talk things through online is helping. not nice that others have experienced similar but heartening that they didn't let it but them off having more kids. i don't think i would want a home birth after the pph. i just think i was so lucky to have the hospital staff respond straight away.

happynappies sorry your first birth was a traumatic experience and glad subsequent ones were more positive. good luck for sunday!

did anyone consider elcs for future babies? although i know that comes with its own complications....hmmm. should relax and stop getting anxious about future births! as some of you have suggested, time is a great healer.

Teacher, in the days/months after first DC was born, I seriously considered an elective section, and was convinced that if I didn't have a section, I was going to take the epidural at the first contraction. I wanted to be that person who was sitting in bed watching daytime TV and not noticing my contractions.

In the end I had a home birth, with no pain relief. I think I just gradually got my confidence back to have another go at natural birth. Forgot to mention in my post above that I got a hypnobirthing CD which helped a lot with relaxation techniques - I still use it now when I am facing something stressful or painful.

I have to say I would never suggest an elective section. I'm still recovering 3 months in. I was told any subsequent births will have to be by section given the complications. It's for this reason that I contemplating getting sterilised although I would have loved another!

Another baby I mean obviously!

Fairyjen, that's interesting- I definitely want an elec section but don't want the side effects!

Teacher- it's amazing the amount of similar birthing stories who have second babies easily and like you say, the hospital was well equipped to deal with your situation. A pre-conception appointment may be able to help with things to do to avoid that situation happening again. Cant recommend it enough.

Each to their own but there were definatly things that I wasn't aware of recovery wise with a section that I think some people are not aware of. Then again I didn't research sections as I was not expecting to have one! Good luck if your pregant or ttc newby2

I had a much less traumatic birth compared to others, and feel silly putting my experiece in the same category as emcs, pph etc, but it all happened very quickly (most people say this is a blessing!) and I felt completely out of control.
The midwives wouldn't let me come in and kept telling me it would be hours and to use a tens machine! I was crying down the phone to them through what felt like continuous contractions and I was bleeding and panicking about it. My DH was panicking too. I was fully dilated and trying to push when I was in the car park. My pushing stage took 2 hours, though and I got a third degree tear. I felt shellshocked and drained.
I've been obsessing a bit about it all recently - what if something had gone wrong or if I'd listened to them and stayed at home etc.
My DD is 5 months now and I've just this past hour rang the supervisor of midwives to plan a birth de-brief.

PiggyMad, my birth was very quick too. I felt like a fraud telling people that it had been awful, when they had stories of 40 hour labours. And yeah, nice people telling you that you were lucky to have had such a quick labour.

My (lovely, did I say that) community MW, who sadly wasn't there when I was in labour, described it later as "violent labour". I thought that was a very accurate description of the intensity and scariness of a very quick and out of control experience.

Don't feel silly. I think unless you've been through it, you don't know how bloody it is. I hope your birth debrief helps x

I had an awful delivery with first baby - septic, emcs, 7 litre bleed, itu admission etc.
Now pregnant again and expecting second baby in October. I am still scared at times but the biggest thing that has helped for me and dh has been understanding exactly what happened - got my maternity notes and went through them - and going back to see consultant (who did amazing job and I have complete faith in, think its important to find someone you trust) before we even started ttc to talk through what the plan would be this time around.

Good luck.

Hi teach, my first experience of birth sounds identical to yours, but I had actually had the blood transfusion as well. I said never again! But I didnt think it fair to have just one child, so five years later, I did it all again. In that five years, you do forget the pain and trauma. And the second birth was so quick, simple and stressfree, and DD2 was a much calmer baby too, so please dont let your first experience put you off. No two births will be identical, I am sure.

In a nutshell Teacher, when the dust has settled (and the hormones which takes around 6 months) access the info about how you can be in control and then you can make a decision again. So far this preg (28 weeks) has been a dream minus the sickness but nothing like the first one so they really are totally different.xx

Dorothy What was different about the second birth? Anything that you were able to control? I just wonder whether people made different birth choices next time round....I certainly will do regarding pain relief but not sure how much will be down to luck

Hi OP.

My first birth was hardgoing - long crappy and ultimately failed induction and labour ending in emergency section. Huge baby. I also had a big bleed and narrowly avoided blood transfusion, and was pretty unwell for a while.

For me, it took two things: time and talking about it. I didnt get proper counselling or have a debrief with the hospital ( wasnt up to it), but I did find have lots of chats with a supportive friend who had also had a rough birth experience, and that really helped.

Time was a healer. It did take me three years to feel ready to do it again, but happily my second birth was a very different experience and that in itself was cathartic.

Take it easy, though. Its early days and you may still be in shock. Talk it through when you feel ready with trusted, supportive people...and enjoy your baby!

hello - i had a painful 1st delivery, all the drugs, lots stitches (not as bad as your delivery) - 2nd pregnancy I wanted as easy a birth as possible and found out about Hypnobirthing, it really helped me (as it has thousands of others). From 1st contraction to 'out; it took 1.5 hrs, no drugs,no great screaming pain, no stitches and within 5 mins of birth I was up and walking about with no pain etc, it was brilliant. Definitely worth looking into:)

You can ask for a birth de-brief. I'm having mine in October, LO will be 6 months old. There are so many questions that I have to ask the MW's, and I really think it will help me move on.

LO's birth was very traumatic for me (it does sound like a good birth, 10 minutes pushing, no tears, laboured in the pool etc), but the amount of pain I had resulted in me blocking out the birth. I have no recollection of the birth, or the next 48 hours, I don't remember any of the photos being taken, or see LO open his eyes for the first time. I don't remember even holding him for the first time (although, I know I did, because there are photos).
I believe that's played a big part in me being diagnosed with PND, and also having psychotic episodes over the past few months. I think I have suffered something similar to PTSD.

AdiVic I did hypnobirthing. An expensive course and also practised every day for two months before birth. I also did antenatal yoga and pregnancy meditation. I felt that I was really well prepared for a natural birth but it turned out my body had other plans! I was so calm when I went to hospital the midwife didn't believe I was alreasy 4/5 cm dilated.

I believe that being prepared in this way meant I used breathing and yoga for the first 22 hours before resorting to gas and air. I don't think hypnobirthing was that useful when I was haemorrhaging...

SarryB Sorry about your own experience. Hope the debrief goes well

Teacher - no there was nothing different about the second birth that was in my control. I just went with the flow so to speak, and it was just a different outcome! I didnt prepare any differently, I didnt have a different birth plan - it just all unfolded a bit differently to the first delivery!