another ridiculous hospital question...

[mameulah]

...so this has been bothering me for weeks and weeks. My friend, who has had three dc, has told me that sometimes when you hand your brand new delcicious newborn to one of these hospital visitors, and the baby starts to cry, THEY PUT THEIR KNUCKLE IN THE BABY'S MOUTH to pacify him/her!!!!!!!!!!!! Does that really happen? And has anyone found of way saying 'you can hold our precious new baby but if you put your germ ridden knuckle in its mouth I will scream!!!!!!!!!!!' without sounding like a complete nutter.

You don't have to let anyone hold your baby, you know.

We used to ask people to wash their hands before they could hold our newborn PFB. If they start to cry then you can also ask for them back!

Hello again mameulah

I agree with RancerDoo. I was very blunt and just told people before hand that they weren't to expect cuddles if they came to visit in hospital, because I was likely to feel very hormonal and possessive and actually that's normal.
So NER

MIL was very put out, so I pointed out that if she didn't like that, then perhaps visiting me in hospital during a very momentous and intimate time in my life wasn't going to work out. I didn't use those words though! Something like: "Well I'm sure you remember how it feels to have just given birth to something so precious. I think I'm allowed to be a bit hormonal, it's a pretty big deal, giving birth. You could always wait until we're home again before you visit?"

People need to be honest with themselves - are they visiting for their own benefit, or for yours because frankly YOU'RE the one who has just given birth. Be a MUMZILLA. It's allowed.

I should add that I know this sounds very PFB, but I'm doing the same for DS2 who is expected this week. I'm having a home birth, but want time and space with MY BABY before the hoards descend. Luckily I'm no longer with my DS1's dad, so THAT particular MIL is not an issue any more, and my DH's mother is actually very kind and sensitive.

Badgerina, you totally sound like you have your act together. I am impressed!!! My mil is an odd bod. If you give her an inch she takes a mile. I work hard at keeping her at arms length during 'normal circumstances' I guess I just don't know how I am going to cope with doing that when I am a hormonal mess. Also, they are sooooooooooooooooo different from my dh. I honestly don't know where he got them from. I can't believe I am related to them and they have some kind of 'right' to my baby. And I am from such a close and lovely family, their self centredness is so strange to me. If I could get away with it I wouldn't tell them about the baby at all. And I really, really mean that.

The paediatrician has to put their finger in the mouth to check the baby's palate anyway. Babies aren't as delicate as they look and in a few months they will be putting dirt and whatever they across into their own mouths. It is good to develop their immune systems - no-one sterilises their nipples before breastfeeding! Doctors also use this trick to pacify a crying baby when they need it to be quiet so they can listen to the heart properly.

catwoman101, the paediatricians can do what they want. It is the visitors that I am going to have to put up with taking liberties that makes me cringe!

mameuela I totally "get it" it's a very powerful protective instinct you've got, and it's totally valid. Go with it.

Badgerina, I think I will just go with it. I figure that I might as well start as I mean to go on. And my dh and I are definitely setting the tone of our wee family. Not them! Any other top tips Badgerina? You sound like you know what you are talking about? And I am very impressed by your home birth plan, I wish I had the courage!

I may sound like I know what's going on, but I think I'm just high on hormones 39+1 today and DH and I have been painting a sanding and God knows what else DIY all day - insane nesting really

Will this be your first baby? I wouldn't have felt comfortable at home for my first, although I know plenty women do. Things were fairly straight forward for DS1 so home feels right this time.

When's your due date?

As I recently mentioned to Badgerina, some women who have c/s swab their nethers and rub it in their newborn faces to get their immune systems going.

But, it is YOUR baby so YOU get to control everything, including when or even whether HCPs can touch him/her.

My birth plan said 'don't touch my baby til he's out and I say so!'

Starlight classic! That's serious Mama bear stuff I'm a bit like that too. I'd prefer not to have anyone there when I give birth. They can just stand outside the door til I say so

Well it wasn't worded quite like that. But in a water birth the mother is actually the closest person to the baby with the clearest view (if baby comes out forwards - I tend to pop head out behind me on knees, then sit back to deliver body out front so can just put arms down and bring to surface).

But the doctors wash and disinfect their hands before touching the baby!

Either dont hand the baby over or say "the sink and disinfectant are over there" and watch til they wash their hands.

My mil turned up after DS was born complete with face mask so he couldn't get any germs. She drove BIL to get a flu jab the weeks before I was due and wouldn't let FIL enter the room more than a metre because he'd just flown back from brazil and might have caught something on the plane!

And no, people don't sterilise their nipples before bf, but in my experience neither do people use nipples to open doors, put their shoes on, lift up the toilet lid etc etc so that is a rather ridiculous comparison.

Just make sure you're holding the baby when they visit! And when the baby started crying none of my visitors put their hands in its mouth. They turned and handed him/her back to me. Even DH!

As a midwife I sometimes put a clean finger in a babies mouth to pacify it when i'm helping a Mum to feed,I always ask their permission first though and always wash my hands first.
I made sure I showered daily when bf and if my nipples had got dirty I would have cleaned them!
have come across babies admitted to hospital because people were not careful enough with hygiene. Yes they need some exposure to bugs, but not as a new born through the hands of people who might have just been to the toilet or picked their noses! If it were my baby I would just politely say please don't put your finger in the mouth, or just reach out to take the baby when it starts crying. I don't th
ink anyone ever put their finger in either of my there's mouths.

My Sister in Law once did it to my daughter without asking and I felt furious. She was only a week old. I was gobsmacked and speechless over it. To this day I will always regret not saying anything, at the time though I was so exhausted and emotional I just didn't handle the situation how I normally would have done. I'm sure she wouldn't have minded if I'd have said something in a nice way about it. You have every right to bring your child up in your way, don't feel others railroad you into doing "what they used to do with theirs" with yours! X

Thank you everyone, it is so reassuring hearing all your 'Mama Bear' stories. I think the trouble is that I just don't like or respect my in laws. At all. And I know that all the good books say that 'grandparenting is the reward for good parenting' but I they were mean and selfish parents to my dh so I really, really grudge them their reward. I know that is awful, but trust me there are a million stories that justify it. The idea of them holding my baby makes me whince, never mind the finger in the mouth thing. Honestly, anyone medical doing anything for medical reasons would be more than welcome. It really is just them. And ofcourse I need to keep a lid on it because my dh already feels rubbish enough about them as it is.

Badgerina, I hope you are still hanging in there. You are right, this is our first baby. We lost a baby last year at the twelve week scan. So (and I am definitely NOT complaining because I know we are really lucky to have fallen pregnant again so soon) but in the last twelve months I have been pregnant for ten of them. My brain totally thinks that I should have a baby by now. Still, eight weeks to go!!! Hope you are getting on alright today!

Mama

I let my PILs in first time round and I dont know looking back - with thier history what I expected of them, but this time round - they haavnt been told and are not part of the process..
It turns out MIl has been stalking us at the school gate ( inspite of seeing DD only two weeks before for 5 hours!!!), so whether she has seen bump I dont know but they are not privy to any info on this child.

Its been bliss for so many reasons and I am fully looking forward to that bliss continuing after the birth without hers and his - horrid negative pushy demanding presence!

Same here - totally selfish horrid parents to my poor DH - so selfish and arogoant I have never come across people like them! Such a sense of automatic entlitlement!

Not this time round !!!

Do what feels right - its so precious you dont get the time again....

Thank you everyone, you are all making me feel so much stronger. And you are right elizaregina, you don't get this time again, and I have waited a long time for it. I really hope they keep their heads down and realise that this moment does not belong to them! Fingers crossed, stranger things have happened!