I'm extremely anxious about my impending birth. This is my fourth, and anxiety stems from cascade of intervention (from calmly sitting on birth ball in mlu for hours managing with breathing and TENS, to blue-light emergency transfer to consultant unit because they thought dd was breach, horribly painful breaking of waters and starting of syntocinon drip to 'speed things up', pain that I couldn't cope with and was terrified of, long wait for epidural, pethidine which made me feel really out of it and affected breastfeeding afterwards making dd really sleepy), being told I wasn't pushing effectively and feeling 'bullied' by mws when I was trying as if my life depended on it, episiotomy, ventouse, PPH, and then dd born not breathing although quickly recovered. I had 2nd degree tear requiring stitching, I then couldn't walk because of undiagnosed SPD and was literally shouted at to get out of bed by a stern mw who said I'd get thrombosis. I left hospital on crutches, but it took me ages to recover, physically and emotionally. Since had ds at same consultant unit with wonderfully supportive mw. Long labour but best experience - just gas and air and TENS machine, and all was well. Then dd2 was born and medical interventions intruded again. Group B Strep so had to have IV antibiotics, but when I arrived in hospital was almost ready to push. They were trying to get canula in one hand for possible PPH, and IV antibios in other hand, and telling me to keep still. Couldn't get either line in, and my right arm ended up swelling hugely, goodness knows where the antibios were going. Mw called colleague and tried to get me to take pethidine to calm me down, as was on ceiling with anxiety because she was whispering to her colleague and I felt she was just not in tune with what I wanted at all - telling me to lie down on my back (I refused and wanted to give birth in a more upright position, but she was telling me off like a little girl - thinking I might fall off the bed...)... she just seemed so impatient with me, don't know if she just thought I was being pathetic because it was my third, but anyway:
Baby4 is due in two weeks, and I've got the basics covered on my birth plan, i.e. no continous monitoring, active, upright, no pethidine, no syntocinon, skin to skin straight away afterwards etc, but I feel it is more the psychological aspect of the birth that I might need to convey that I need support with, and realise that this might be difficult to achieve in the medicalised setting of a consultant unit with protocols to follow. Looked into getting a doula before and met several but tbh never quite found someone reassuring enough (which is probably a big part of my problem!!). Dh understands clearly the effect of interventions and negativity on me in labour, and am sure will advocate for me, but how would you suggest I explain what I would like without sounding crackers? Also, because of gestational diabetes I am booked (provisionally) for induction two weeks on Sunday and the fear of that dreaded drip looms large. Am thinking of having a separate 'induction' birth plan to try to get my views across and keep the birth as natural as possible in an even more difficult situation, but is there any point? Am sure people will say just 'go with the flow' etc, but I know once I'm in the situation things kind of happen 'to you' and you don't have the presence of mind to change things if you can. I accept that the safety of the baby comes first, and obviously if there was a necessity for certain medical procedures then fine, but not just to 'speed things up' or shut me up or whatever!!
Sorry this is long - if you've read this far thank you. Must sound like a complete wuss, but am so worried about it. Have been de-briefed after each birth, and although helpful to go through things, never really feel 'in control' or empowered when I set foot in that consultant unit!! Any thoughts very gratefully received.