Any tips on how to prepare your workaholic husband on being a good birthing partner?

[mameulah]

My dh works all the time. He is self employed and I know he is doing it to build us a secure future and hopefully allow him to have at least a bit of time off during and after the birth. Any tips on how best I can prepare him to support me over the final few weeks, during and after the birth? Did anyone dh or dp get it really right? And if so how?

He is usually really good at this stuff it is just too important to leave to chance.

Thanks

get him to understand how important it is longterm for the baby and your emotional wellbeing. Then give him clear, simple directions for what you need that won't take him forever to read.
Do you know any new dads who could give him tips?

Make sure he knows what sort of birth you want.
Discuss 'what if' scenarios so that he can make decisions if you are not able to (you might be otherwise occupied )
Make sure he understands that it can take weeks to recover from a birth and that in any case he'll need to be especially supportive in first few months.
Check his arrangements to take time off work - so that you feel reassured.
Don't forget to take some regular time for each other as well.

Take someone else, or better still just go by yourself.
Men are seriously over-rated in the whole birthing thing.
They don't want to be there.
And you'll deliver babe a darn sight easier and less painfully without fella loitering around.

Mameulah - you could have been writing about my husband!

My experience first time round was that my DH was great at some aspects during labour...and not so at others!

He was good at remaining calm; he was good at talking on my behalf and asking questions when I couldn't do so (due to excruciating pain!); & he tried really hard to do what I wanted him to. He was really not that engaged in the whole process til I actually went into labour though!

The not so good...he was not knowledgeable at all about the birthing process in general, breathing importance, positions for labour etc - hence he couldn't be proactive in his help in any way. (This should maybe be midwife's role, but they were only around periodically!). Neither was he that great post-delivery at looking after me (I had serious stitching!) - very kind but I still had to think quite a bit about domestic praticalities....and I could have done with a little more R&R to be honest.

This time, things I'm hoping to change....

• make him more aware about how he can help me
• educate him on how I actually felt last time (on occasion very frightened), and how he can help me during those times
• show him how birthing positions make a difference
• have family come and stay post-birth so that I can recuperate a little more!

Flirty Thirty, thanks heaps! I will definitely getting onto dealing with the points you have made, especially helping understand that it is a frightening time. It is so frustrating but I know he just does not have the time to spend doing heaps of research. I soooooo envy couples who get paternity leave. If my dh gets a whole day off I will be delighted. Will your dh feel left out if you have family come and stay? I reckon that is what will happen for us but I don't want to organise it until the baby is born. Hopefully we will get a wee bit of time just the three of us......

Not got any advice really but can sympathise, DH is also self employed, he spent almost all of my (very long) labour asleep in the chair by my bed, i actually sent him home for a few hours because i was fed up of watching him sleep. I had a rough birth and stayed in hosp for 6 days. He did come and visit for a few hours each day but worked the rest of the time. The evening i went home he rejected my mothers offer to stay over (saying she was interfering), i woke up at 6am the next morning to find he had gone to work!

Currently 33 weeks pregnant and am seriously considering having my mum with me for the birth and having him look after DD. Also i have specified he has to have 1 week off work (completely) from the day i get home, not from when labour starts.

To be fair to him tho he is a great dad when he's about, does his fair share of nappy changing, playing with DD and cooking meals etc. Just need to figure out a way to make him realise how difficult childbirth is and how long it actually takes to recover.

RosemaryandThyme that's quite a generalisation! I would never want to go through labour without DH, he was fantastic support when I had DS and he's the one I want when I'm in pain, stressed or frightened.

If you want him there, and he wants to be there, then he should be! If want someone else then pick someone else.

I will echo that you need to give clear, simple instructions before the birth about what you need from him, but also stress that you may not know exactly what you want until you already there, and you might change your mind halfway through! Basically, he needs to be flexible.

We had a doula first time around. DH was clueless, she was fab. Second time around, no doula, DH remembered what to do, he was great. He did stuff like finding a CD player for my birth music, getting me cold flannels and drinks (with straws) as needed, rubbing my lower back and fetching decent coffee and a muffin after DS had been born!

Doulas can also provide post-natal support for stuff like housework and baby advice, but without the emotional issues of being family there 24 hours whilst you are trying to bond as a family. It sounds like this might be worth looking into for you?

I entirely failed to prepare my workaholic husband. I am a midwife and felt classes a bit pointless. However, he would have benefitted from a bit of a briefing. When labour got tricky, he had no idea what was going on. I got plenty of support myself but he could have done with a bit more.

Agree that a hospital tour is essential. The last thing you want in labour is to be shouting "no, left, you idiot!".

Support from our NCT dads was very useful to my DH, they went out for a beer a few nights in and compared notes, as us mums did over coffee and cakes.

QTPie, thanks, but we are in the north of Scotland, far away from the Bath area. I am also going to look out for a Pocket Guide book for dh supporting their wives in labour. Something with lots of pictures. If you can recommend anything I would love to know...

Mayhew, as you are a midwife I would be really interested to know what you wish you had told your husband to prepare him for helping you. Also, have you seen any other husbands doing an amazing job? Did they do anything you can recommend?

PurpleandPoppyWearer the doula thing sounds good but I am lucky in that my parents will be on board to fill in the gaps however we need them to. A good idea though, thank you.

Whatanorange I guess that being flexible thing is the key. It is just so hard to know what to ask for when you don't know really what you are preparing for.

Piggyboo, I so get it. And think you are idea of your dh taking a week off when you and the baby come home from hospital is great. Only trouble is my dh had his first week off in three years during the summer for our honeymoon. We'll be lucky if we get another week off together anytime soon. And it is so frustrating becuase I know my dh will be a great dad too. And he is working so, so hard for all of us. Arg!