My story...tramatic birth, hope this helps me deal with it (sorry its long)

[jofeb04]

Ive just seen my Health Visitor this afternoon, talked to her for well over an hour (which was nice).
She thinks im suffering with PTSD.
With my first pregnancy, I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure, and my son,was born with forceps. I was on oxytocin etc, and ds had to go into neo-natel care to ensure his blood suger levels would rise. They were dangerously low. He was in hospital for 6days, days i remember well.
I thought I wouldn't have another birth like that. I was scared when we found out we were pregnant again, but the midwife who did my care said it wouldnt be like that again.
She was right, it wasn't. With my dd, I had very severe SPD, couldn't walk, sit down easily, be comfortable at night since about the April last year. Im still suffering with it now. My waters had broken, not completly, so had been trickling out, i though it was the show they were that discoloured. My hind waters then broke at about 10pm, went to the hospital and was told that my daughter was seriously distressed. By 12, i still had no contractions, so she broke my waters to get things moving.
The contractions came on very strong, and it was all going ok untill a couple of hours later when my midwife noticed that the heardbeat wasn't dipping right. It was dipping without any contractions causing it to. I had to sign a form to say i was willing to have a energency section, and before I knew it i was being wheeled to the theatre room on the bed. The spinal wouldnt go in to my back properly, so the anethitist had to get a general ready. Just at that point, i had the urge to push, and was told she had to be out within 20minutes, they were that concerned. They had all the peadertrisions (SP!)there, expecting to be needed.
Luckily, she was born within 10minutes, crying and breathing fine. She did have to have the air mask held about an inch over her face for 10minutes.
I went from 7cm to being fully dilated in just 15minutes, i was in complete shock, feeling sick etc. I was on a drip to help close everything, as it wasnt going as it should have been.
Both my children have been bottlefed, simply due to their needs at the time. With ds, he had to be fed through a drip every hour, for 4days. I didnt feel that i could express that amount and so often, especially as i didnt stay in the hospital with him. Dd was bottlefed as I was that "out of it" I was feeling so sick and dizzy my husband fed her the first bottle. I feel so guilty about it, but after all, they needed to be fed anyway possible.
Thanks Jaberwocky, i'll email you soon hun. Think its helped writing it all down.

Oh jofeb04 what a dreadful time you had. I'm glad you've got a helpful health visitor.

Try not to feel guilty about bottlefeeding - your babies - at the end of the day you did what was right at the time and I am sure they are fine and healthy. We are fortunate in this country to have this alternate source of food for our babies - just remember that there are older people walking around who were raised on Carnation milk and are perfectly healthy - no proper formula back in the 20s and 30s.

Can you speak to a midwife at the hospital and review your notes - someone who could sit down with you over a couple of meetings and answer any questions you might have about what happened?
The rapid dilation of your cervix sounds like a precipitate labour (I used to be a midwife) and I know that every woman I have cared for who's experienced this has been in shock afterwards because they had no time to prepare everything started slowly and then all of a sudden progressed to delivery rapidly - no wonder you felt sick and dizzy.

Write it all down and ring the head of midwifery - I bet they have a service that will offer you support and a chance to go over things.

Mandy

Thanks hun, what would have caused the cervix to dilate so quickly. my dd was also born in 9 minutes.
Im slowly getting over what happened. My HV also thinks that talking about it with my midwife would help me, shes wrote a letter to them, but has stated that it could be some time before we hear anything.

I had a traumatic forceps delivery and suffered with nightmares and constantly relieving the birth. I have been left with long-term damage and am under a gynae consultant. At one consultation I was distressed at just being in the hospital where I gave birth and she went through my notes with me to try and understand what happened. She also sent the head of the delivery suite to meet with me at home. I have at least had an apology from the hospital for all the errors that were made, and going through my notes has helped me come to terms with what has happened. One of the midwives involved has left the hospital, but is subject to a supervisory review if he wants to return, which is some consolation that he is not free to do the same to other women. I too have SPD 13 months after giving birth, thanks to their incompetence. However I have been doing exercises given to me by a physiotherapist which has helped. Thinking about seeing an osteopath too.

jo, have just seen this. I'm so glad that you did write it all down and get it out. I think my healing really took off after I posted my story on MN.

jofeb04, it is good to talk about what happened but you also need to process it emotionally.
I had PTSD following my firstborn & I saw a psychiatrist who specialises in dealing with PTSD. Only needed a few sessions & I was able to come to terms with what happened.
If you go over & over the event in your mind, retelling it & reliving it you are not actually dealing with it and moving on. That is one of the symptoms of PTSD. I needed professional help for me to work out all the emotions I felt.
Could you go to your GP & get referred for counselling or treatment?

jofebo4, you've done the right thing telling us your story, the first step in moving on from these traumatic events. i know what its like to have quck labours, it can be quite terrifying.you can suffer from shock afterwards. some people will comment that 'oh well, it was all over quick lucky for you' but that does'nt help does it? counselling sounds like a really good idea.i wouldn't beat yourself up too much about the bottlefeeding, you did what you had to do at the time to get through it. your kids won't be bothered when they're older im sure.best wishes.

jofeb04, well done on writing your story down here. Talk to as many people as will listen. It WILL help. Try not to let anyone make you feel guilty about bottle feeding. No one has the right! You have done the very best you can for both your babies and no one should dare to question your motives. (They will, but feel free to give them a slap about the head for their unwanted advice!)

MumtoBen - I could almost have written your post myself, apart from the still having SPD bit (my SPD cleared up relatively quickly compared to my other symptoms). Can't believe what goes on in hospitals sometimes. I found that physio eventually worked for me, but it took months and months.

I agree with jabberwocky, in that I found I started to feel a bit better as I slowly told my story on here. Much sympathy to both of you and all best wishes.

my birth was very different to yours, but still not what i wanted at all. i felt guilty about it for 2 1/2 years - then read a thread on here about c-section v natural birth and suddenly realised - if you & your LO came through it OK, you did the very best for them. At the time, everything is so emotional & traumatic it's almost impossible to make a decision, and it's easy afterwards to be upset, but remember - you were also the patient, and you and the baby need caring for afterwards. don't keep looking back at how 'it could have been better' - look at all the right decisions you made, and be proud of having 2 wonderful kids.

Jofeb04, just wanted to add my tuppenceworth. My heart goes out to you for your traumatic experience, but as kickassangel says, don't beat yourself up about how you wish it had been, just keep focussing on the fact that you have two lovely children, and you are here to tell the story. Don't feel guilty about bottlefeeding - as I have said in another thread, you have to do what is right for you and your children, and if the alternative is starvation, then bottlefeeding is a great option (I only breastfed for 6 horrible, stressful days myself)

you have been brave and strong telling your story, and I am sure you will only get stronger as you manage to deal with all this and put it behind you, where it belongs. you have a wonderful future ahead of you with your family - enjoy!! (sorry, getting a bit OTT here, may be the red wine talking! :o :o )

Hi jo, hoping you will see that this thread has gotten bumped up. I know you didn't have a lot of responses initially but the wonderful MN'ers have now picked up the ball and are offering fabulous support.

A big hug to you, sweetie, for being able to write this down.