Homebirth & DH

[NightmareWalking]

I want a home birth for our DC due in September. I knew DH was less comfortable with the idea. But this morning, DH said his arguments for why he doesn't want me to have a home birth could be summed up as: 'the walls are too thin and he feels embarrassed knowing the neighbours will hear' and 'it's a nice clear definition and traditional to go into hospital to have a baby & come home to relax after'. To me these are such non reasons (I didn't say that of course!) but he won't discuss them, he just gets angry when I try to talk to him.

I don't want to just back down over this - it's his baby too - but I'm the one squeezing a person out of my chuff - any ideas? any resources I can look at or get DH to look at? I feel so unhappy that he won't listen to me.

Homebirth.org.uk - other than that, point out that most neighbours hear nothing, and that he can choose where the baby is born when it's him giving birth.

I'd also mention that the better supported (by him) and more relaxed you are (which seems as if for you that would be at home) the easier birth generally (not always) is. If you're unhappy about being in a hospital environment or feel he's not 100% there for you then that could inhibit labour. If that's the case I'd suggest getting a supportive friend or doula to be there as you need someone who will be your advocate in labour and not just bundle you off to hospital unnecessarily and against your wishes!

What about getting the MW to talk to him?

Oh - and if he thinks anyone comes home from hospital with a baby and relaxes, he's bloody deluded

Traditional? Oh yes, remember the old women of Yore being taken by horse drawn chariot to the local maternity ward .

I suggest your dh do some of his own research into home births and accept that as its you giving birth you get the final say.

Google "7 secrets of a homebirth Dad" by Ven Batista, I think there's a link on the homebirth website as well. A very down to earth account by a sceptic dad converted.

I was at a HB last night. Dad was nervous. Last time they had too early admission, long saga, epidural etc. This time latent phase at home, pottering, cooking, house tidying, childcare then less than 3 hours of active labour and voila! A son. The baby made a lot more noise than mum. The neighbours can suck on that for the next, maybe 3 years. The best bit for Dad is that the toddler was downstairs with Gran and came up as soon as the family was ready. No visiting traumas, no separations, no parking!

I did try pointing out that my mum had 4 of her 6 children at home - that's when he said he had lost his temper and 'wasn't talking to me any more'.

I think he thinks if he gets angry enough and shouts me down enough I'll back down but I don't want to back down over this. Thanks for links... I'll keep trying.

I couldn't care less about the neighbours tbh. Yes we live in a terrace - one side of us currently has no one living there anyway as the new owners are doing diy to let it out when they're done and the other neighbours - I've never seen the wife & child and the husband we see maybe once every two/three months to nod and smile at!

I wouldn't discuss it again then if he's getting angry when you mention it, just plan to have the baby at home unless something crops up to suggest hospital may be better.

DH wasn't 'happy' about me planning a HB for DS (lots of issues in first birth) but supported me nonetheless and was fabulous when the time came - and he didn't say I told you so when we ended up transferring in to hospital after DS didn't budge

He is entitled to an opinion but ultimately it's your body and if u are uncomfortable going to hospital then that's gonna make things soooo much harder for you! I've had one of each and honestly u couldn't pay me enough to step foot back Into a hospital. I live in a terrace,neighbors heard nothing and as fir relaxing? Yeah u really get to do that . Remind him that at any point you can change your mind and transfer in but once you step foot in a hospital there's no going back. Everyone focuses on the most important thing being the baby being safe but the birth is so important too. It sets the president for everything and if it's not what you want then trust me it stays with you :( I wish you luck op if it's what u want them fight for it. My dp was originally skeptical when I had one and he is now as frustrated as I am over not getting one second time around. :)

I had one ds in a terraced house and one in a semi detatched. The first one in the terraced house the neighbour told me she hadn't heard anything at all and the others were out, the second one in the semi the neighbours gave us a card a few hours later so I guess they either heard or just reaslised because there was so much coming and going at 3am.

There is lots and lots of evidence that homebirth is a good option for low risk women. I'd suggest talking to your midwife about it and if she seems pro homebirth then ask her if she could talk to your husband about it. It is just not fair for him to insist you go to hospital, it is you that has to do it! It was easy for me cos I'm a midwife and my dh always knew I'd want homebirths.

I had a homebirth two years ago and the neighbours heard everything - to be fair, there were complications and I wasn't offered ANY pain relief, but I screamed for two hours and felt very embarrassed when seeing the neighbours for a while.

But it didn't stop me going for a second homebirth two days ago! The most important thing is where you feel comfortable. The neighbours will deal with it, and a bit of embarrassment for you or DH afterwards is neither here nor there in the scheme of things. I promise you, you certainly won't care at the time!

For the record, I was much quieter this time

I wonder if these are his real reasons or just the ones he feels he can express to you.

Often men are very scared about birth, a morbid fear that something bad will happen to you, the baby or both but just don't feel they can speak their fears out loud - not wanting to upset you, not wanting to admit they feel emotional about it.

He may be worried that if he goes along with a HB and something went wrong he would never forgive himself. Education is the best way around this, trawl the net for all the info you can find and leave it with him to consider in his own time. He'll learn its as safe as hospital for second babies in low risk pregnancies. Ask him if he feels scared about the idea.

My DH was reticent at first but after meeting the community midwife at our 36 wk home birth visit he changed his mind. He asked lots of questions and she was very very supportive.

Our second child was born at home in March 2011 and it was a wonderful experience for all of us. DH is now a convert having felt like a spare part at DC1s hospital birth he felt involved. And the bliss of climbing into our own bed eating tea and toast with the new baby snuggled up with us both, instead of him being told to go away because visiting was over, was just wonderful. FAR FAR more relaxing than being separated after having a baby, which happens if you give birth in hospital.

Best wishes with everything.

A stand-alone birthing centre might be either a good compromise or bring out any hidden concerns about it NOT being a hospital.

Anyway, you can always say that your mum/aunt/sis gave birth quickly so you are going to start at home as you know you'll have a mw with you for any transfer rather than expect him to deliver with one hand on the gearstick.

I had a homebirth in a semi. The neighbours made my last two weeks before the baby came hell while I was trying to relax on maternity leave with their constant arguments and swearing at the kids. I felt quite comfortabl emaking as much noise as I wanted (which wasn't really a lot) when I laboured all night and delivered at 10am! :)

Can you get your midwife to talk to your DH? Mine was totally against it and then we had a MW appointment and in the time I went to the loo, she had talked him round! He was an amazing support in the end.

I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant but in Australia you have to pay for an independent midwife so I'm going to hospital. Incidentally, why isn't he embarrassed about other people hearing in the hospital hearing you?

My DH was very skeptical about my imminent homebirth (if I get my way despite gestational diabetes) but I showed him a few articles which helped a little.

He then phoned his mum, who used to be a midwife and then a HV hoping that she would tell him that he was right and I was mad, but she managed to completely persuade him that it was the best idea! Thanks MIL!

So I think having your DH speak to an experienced MW might be a really good idea if you can make it happen?

Also what Moonhare said up there about those being the fears he feels he can tell you rather than his real fears might be true? They do worry the men folk!

Good luck and I hope you get your wish :)

Wrt the coming home and relaxing thing, that's one of the many reasons I considered a home birth. To be able to use your own bathroom, have a relaxing bath in your own bath, and curl up with your new baby on your own freshly made bed. It was so much more relaxing being at home than being in hospital.

We're semi-detached and my neighbours didn't hear anything when I was giving birth. They hear plenty of noise now though (kids are now 3 and 6)!

Saw the midwife today - she says she'll do my 36 wk appointment at home and discuss DH's concerns with him then... so maybe, just maybe, he'll get on board?! thanks for sharing your experiences btw, I've passed on stories about neighbours not really noticing, every little helps!

I'm lingering with interest. I'm considering home birth, DH a bit concerned, but community midwife has done an ace job of selling it to him.
The reason post is... Do you think he might be worried about the mess and whether its down to him to clear up? It's only that when midwife said she prided herself on leaving the house as she found it, takes away the mess, he visibly relaxed...!

Hahahahaha research? No. not at all. Not even about anything pregnancy related as 'that's my bag' - although he will listen to my concerns and opinions around the pregnancy. I'd love a doula actually but money is the big constraint there.

I doulaed at a birth in a terraced house fairly recently, quite a noisy second stage, or so it seemed for those of us in the room, but the family waiting upstairs didn't hear a thing, and the neighbours certainly didn't.