Birth of DC2: what did you do with DC1 who had separation anxiety / no childcare?

[AngelDog]

DC2 is due at the end of October, although may come early due to some complications.

DS is 2.5 y.o. and has had separation anxiety since about 7 months. He's happy with DH but apart from that will only be left with his grandmothers, and we've never tried that for more than 30 mins. We see them about every 6 weeks or so, and it usually takes a while for him to warm up to them when we see them. eg for the first half hour they were here yesterday, he insisted on going everywhere (in our house!) holding my hand for reassurance.

He isn't keen on either grandfather and wouldn't be happy being left in a room with them eg while grandmother went to the loo would be very distressing for him.

Both sets of grandparents live an hour or so away, and the closer ones work full-time so will probably not be able to come at short notice. The ones who are able to come probably won't be able to make it in much less than 2 hours.

We know lots of local people who could look after him, but there's no way he'd cope. When other people (who he sees once or twice every week) are around, he panics if I'm at the other side of the room, or if I pop into another room for a minute, even if that's at home.

I want a homebirth to make things easier, but that may not be possible, depending on how the next couple of months go.

What did you do?

Hello - we had a similar situation, although DD (2.5yo) does not suffer with separation anxiety. Our worry was who was going to look after her as and when things happened. I too was predicted possible complications, and if things didn't happen on their own before, induction at 38 weeks. The closest grandparents live 2 hours away. My worry was if things happened early, and went fast my 2 yo would be there at home for the birth. I asked the grandparents to come the day before induction, and after weeks/months of worrying about if things happened early, just thought 'what the hell, what will be will be'. If things had gone early she would have gone to another mum in the village. Re the separation anxiety, could he not go into a nursery/friends house once or twice a week for a couple of hours or so just to get him used to being away from you? If you need a couple of days in hospital it would be a shame for him to have this as his first time away from you. When you say he wouldn't cope with being with other people, what would he do? How would he not cope? I know it sounds harsh, but he would kind of have to crack on with it. He's going to have to one day. Does he worry with his grandfathers as he is used to being with females more? If he is that bad, how about chatting to the health visitor. Sorry if I'm not sounding very understanding. Must be hard. It would be great if you could get this sorted so you dont' have to worry during pregnancy. HOpe he gets sorted

Perhaps now is a good time to really address the separation issues? Maybe by enrolling him in a nursery/playgroup for a couple of hours 1 or 2 mornings a week? After all, it isn't going to be easy on him when the new baby arrives and takes up so much of your time. Gaining a bit of independence and playing with other kids might help him cope better when the time comes....And if you start this now there's maybe enough time for him to adjust so that leaving him with the grandparents during labour isn't such a shock to him (before...shock horror...he realises he is no longer an only child!).

Similar situation to you but no separation anxiety. We arranged for our DS to go to his gran's once a week (for the whole day, 9-4, but I wouldn't recommend this for you necessarily!) for a long time before the birth so that once labour began he would be comfortable (or at least not scared/worried) about staying with her.

In the end he had to stay there for 4 days and 3 nights (long labour/induction and then my twins were born in the middle of the night so DH didn't pick him up til morning), and it was only on the last night that he cried to come home - but then was fine the next morning, and didn't really want to leave when DH turned up! Now, our DS had stayed over a few times before, plus he naps there as well so was used to sleeping there, so I wouldn't expect that to be at all easy for your DS, but the overall gist is the same. What I'm saying really is find someone who can almost definitely help out, e.g. a good friend, neighbour, etc and take your DS as often as you can between now and October!

You've been given some very good advice about what to do between now and October. I'd like to add a bit of advice about what to do around the time of the birth. When my DS (then 2.3 years old) visited me in hospital the day DD was born (planned cs) he was fine - the next day he wouldn't speak to me. By the following day I worked out he wasn't convinced I was coming home (despite being told) so I asked him could he please look after my furry slippers and make sure they were right by the front door so I could put them on straight away when I came home. He began chatting again immediately. They can get strange ideas into their heads so ask him to look after something for you. This might even help now - he would know you were definitely coming back for him if he had something you use frequently with him.

I was wondering the same thing, but am seriously considering having her around for the labour. I am having a home birth and if it is a relaxed and calm as I hope, then I think it would be lovely. If not, then I have a doula as well as my husband here, so it shouldn't be too hard for someone to take her upstairs. I also have local friends on standby in case I really change my mind! But I don't have your separation issues.

In the event of a hospital transfer, my doula will stay with her until grandparents can arrive (about two hours).

Perhaps consider hiring a doula? Then you have support and your DH can care for your DS.

Hi angeldog,

I think it is very important here that you are aware of the expectations you are communicating to your little one in this situation. Rather than focus on what you expect he cannot cope with, perhaps u need to convey messages that show u believe he will begin to develop ability to embrace new situations and develop new relationships. As your DS is now 2.5 years, there are lots of positive strategies u can explore to help introduce him to new situations which include exploring books which delve into these issues, inviting play dates or trips to park with others as as already suggested, perhaps visiting a nursey/playgroup once or twice a week. Ultimately, he needs to know that you believe he can do this and that it's all really positive. Children adapt much quicker than we ive them credit for.

Hi Angeldog

We've got a similar problem with DD - although she doesn't have serious separation anxiety as such, the only people we know she's fine to be left with for any length of time (my PILs and SIL) are all out of the country for DC2's EDD.

Our solution is possibly a bit extreme, but FWIW...

We've arranged for a sort of "au pair" to stay with us for the month DC2 is due - basically, the 29 year-old sister of a Spanish friend of ours. We're offering her bed and board plus free English lessons/practice in exchange for helping out around the time of DC2's appearance, especially when it comes to looking after DD while we're both attending to DC2's birth (which will definitely be in hospital).

Hopefully, DD will have a couple of weeks or so to get used to our au pair (and we will deliberately spend some time out of the house in the run-up so DD gets used to being on her own with the au pair) and the fact that she will be staying in her own home will hopefully minimise the disruption too.
I realise if you're in a tiny place, this might not be the answer, but hey...!

Also, have you tried some EFT/tapping with your DS to help him get over his separation anxiety? I've been using it with DD to help her with her toddler phobias/anxieties (poo-phobia, waking up when it's dark, fears of animals etc.) and it's definitely helping. I'll PM you about it.

Good luck with whatever you decide and with the rest of your pregnancy!

Thanks for the replies everyone, and for the info, IC.

DS's separation anxiety has been getting steadily better for the last 2 years, and we've been keen not to push him beyond what he's comfortable with, while encouraging him to be more independent as he's ready for it.

When I say DS wouldn't cope, I mean he gets really distressed if another person gets between him and me/DH, or if he is momentarily left in a room with someone other than me/DH/his grandmothers. It's not a temporary distress, but we see the effects persist for quite a while - sometimes for several days.

The people he gets on with are those who take the time to really listen to him, and preferably repeat what he says back to him. Neither grandfather is much good at that, which is one reason he's not keen on them. He has particular issues with my dad because he's constantly nagging DS to give him a smile / come and show him things / give him a kiss etc, which DS hates.

DS is incredibly chatty, but unfortunately his diction is pretty unclear (he's been referred to speech therapy) and I can't remember a time when any adult other than us or grandparents has actually been able to understand what he has said. He can get quite frustrated when people can't understand him.

DS also has a strong sense of personal space and hates it if anyone other than us/grandmothers tries to touch him or come too close to him. He is reluctant to kiss even his grandmothers and has told us he would rather wave hello/goodbye to them (though he is happy to stand close to them once he's warmed up to them). I have to say I have a lot of sympathy there - I feel like that about most people myself! :)

He is okay with other children as long as they (a) don't touch the toys he's playing with, (b) don't come too close to him and (c) don't get in between him and me/DH. Obviously staying for a while with anyone else who has children would involve all of those issues.

We spend lots of time with other children, and see the same few adults and children at least twice a week, and meet up with them to play at other points. He will talk about them, but never to them and usually ignores the adults if they try to chat to him (which they rarely do).

When he has been in situations where he's been 'forced' to have closer contact with people, it's had really negative effects. We spent a day with friends who had a friendly 3 year old who kept trying to give DS toys to play with. After the child had approached DS a couple of times, DS then screamed and begged to sit on my lap & have milk every time the child approached within 5 feet of him. Afterwards his general separation anxiety (with us as well as anxiety about other people) regressed by about 5 months, and it took about another 3 months to get back to the position we had been in before. I really don't want to go through all that again.

I think if we had a child-free friend we could see at least 3 times a week for a month or two he'd be fine, but no-one we know has the time to do that even once a week, let alone more often. Your au pair solution would probably work, IC, but I'm not sure I could cope with someone else staying in my house - even the possibility of grandparents having to stay for a few days makes my heart sink!

DS would hate nursery (we're not planning to send him, and wouldn't have planned to even if he didn't have separation anxiety issues). I think he'll be fine with a sibling though - apart from the separation anxiety he's a very easy-going child who doesn't need a lot of attention or 'entertaining'.

My mum is retiring soon, so I should be able to get them to visit more often in the run-up to the birth. It's that period between labour starting and them getting here that's the tricky bit.

I think the doula idea is definitely worth investigating. I had an unexpected overnight hospital admission at the weekend, and DS was completely unfazed by it, so I know he'd be fine as long as DH is around. I'm hoping for a fast delivery - DS arrived only 5 hours after contractions started, but I know it may not be as easy next time!

If you can afford it, I would investigate getting a properly trained (maybe even used to SN) Nanny or similar to help around the time of the birth. They don't have to be live in.
I'd suggest SN experienced as they really know how to cope with all kinds of children, and really shouldn't be fazed.

If you are thinking of HEing, then why not get to know the HE community, there might be just the kind of "friend" you need there.