Where to give birth - why can't I make up my mind?

[FrozenNorthPole]

I am almost 30 weeks with DC3 and I know I should be pretty used to this whole childbirth thing by now. Oddly, however, I'm more conflicted than I've ever been - can anyone offer their opinion or experiences to help out here?

A v short history: DC1 was growth restricted, induced at 38 weeks with syntocinon - constant monitoring eventually led me to an epidural. The entire labour lasted 6 hours and she was born in 2 pushes, no tears or other complications. I happily planned another epidural for DC2. She had other ideas, though, and arrived at 35 weeks in 90 minutes from the first twinge. To my embarassment I didn't actually realise I was in labour - even in the ambulance we thought I just had a severe kidney infection. When the midwives checked me they found her head. Obviously, didn't get a chance for any pain relief. She was fine, didn't go to SCBU etc.

So, with DC3 I expect a precipitous labour. I know I did it without drugs last time, and it wasn't too bad, so I would like to do it in the same way again. I also strongly feel I don't want to go near the hospital again, because of very negative postnatal care experiences and also feeling very belittled by the midwives with DC2 when they 'told me off' for calling an ambulance and also for making any noise to deal with the pain (I posted about it about a year ago and it is the only one of my threads to have ever made Discussions of the Day, headed 'Labour - were you, um, vocal?' It was very reassuring and made me realise that being told to be quiet wasn't okay!)

So, I am considering a homebirth if we get to 37 weeks this time, for the following reasons:

• labours go fast, so might not make it to the hospital anyhow
• might as well have all the birth stuff at home just in case midwife doesn't make it either
• would be able to stay at home afterwards, establish breastfeeding etc.
• DH deploys with the army (he's a doctor) two weeks after the due date, so really want him to have as much time with us as possible (vs 2 or 3 days on postnatal)
• I'm not (very) afraid of the pain
• midwives might be nicer / more sympathetic?
• we live just 'round the corner from the hospital - about 5 minutes by ambulance

But I have doubts for the following reasons:

• DH not instinctively comfortable with homebirth given his profession, although he's read the evidence and knows there's no statistical reason to feel like this
• this makes me feel doubtful too ... I don't want him to blame me if something goes wrong although I'm sure he would try not to
• it is the 'unknown': I've done childbirth in hospital twice, warts and all, but at least I know what to expect. How do you choose the room of your house to do it in? What do you buy? What do you do with your children?

I've only had 2 midwife appointments, and raised the matter of homebirth at my last. The midwife instead tried to steer me towards the idea of doing it at a freestanding birth centre, which is 35 minutes from my house and not linked to a hospital. To my mind, it seems riskier than homebirthing - it would certainly put me further from paeds / a theatre if needed. Since DH doesn't drive it would mean travelling in by ambulance anyhow, which would seem like taking a service away from someone in dire medical need if I was just in early labour or something.

What do you think? I'm really sorry this was so long

I had a homebirth with DS and am planning another for DC2. It was the right decision for me, because I was more relaxed at home, but I think if being at home would make you more stressed then you are maybe losing some of the benefits - not saying this is the case for you but perhaps something to think about?

If you book in for a homebirth, you can change your mind at any point (including when you're in labour and including after the midwives have arrived) and transfer to the hospital instead. So if you're not sure, you could book in for a homebirth (and have the benefit of being ready if labour is quick) but remember you can go to hospital instead if that feels more right on the day.

In terms of what to buy/have ready, my midwives gave me a list, and I think this is normal. (Think it was shower curtains/protective coverings for furniture/carpet, a bucket/washing up bowl, a flat surface available nearby where they could set up resus equipment, an anglepoise lamp available. And an informal suggestion of having biscuits available for the MWs!)

In terms of which room to use, you don't necessarily have to decide in advance. Last time I had DS in our spare room, although this time I'm thinking about our lounge instead (I've got it into my head this one will be born at night, and the spare room is next to DS's). With regards childcare, I imagine if anything it'd be easier than going to hospital - if DS is asleep then we'll just leave him there. I'll have people on standby to come and get him/stay with him if we need to transfer but I've heard nice stories of DCs waking up to discover a new sibling and I like that idea!

I hope that doesn't make things any more confusing. I'm sure someone else will be along with some more coherent thoughts soon.

Hi Frozen, no idea on this - but really really hope you complained about being made to feel bad about calling an ambulance, usually the attitude is - dont take any risks with babies, women in labour - err on side of caution....dreadful that someone made you feel bad about this and it was your second too - I would hate them to do this to nervous young 1st time mum.

They wouldn't take you to the MLU by ambulance anyway - an ambulance is only for an emergency situation, and potentially by you ringing one they took longer to get to a real emergency eg heart attack etc. I'm not trying to have a go at you, but my DH doesn't drive either and you can and should get a taxi in or a lift off someone, an ambulance should only be used for life/death situation.

Right, now I've got that off my chest, I would personally be opting for a home birth due to the fast labours you have, and also so that you and new baba can spend as much time as possible with DH.

I know Rockchick, I feel the same about ambulances! The midwife told me that they have an arrangement in the local area (County Durham and Darlington) for the ambulance service to transport women in labour in to the MLU if they request it. I still wouldn't use it for those purposes, obviously, but she seemed very convinced of the fact. I felt bad enough calling one for DD2's birth, but since she arrived 2 minutes after they wheeled me into the labour ward reception I think in that case it was merited. I'm not sure if that qualifies as a life or death situation but if I'd taken a taxi, I'd have given birth by the side of the road with a random bloke I didn't know in attendance.

Okay, so homebirth sounds like it might be a sensible option?

I should add, since DD2 was 5 weeks early the paeds definitely thought it was an emergency too - had she arrived on the way there and struggled to breathe upon delivery things could have been very nasty for her (and it's more normal for 35 weekers to spend time in NICU / SCBU than not - we were very lucky).

I know you weren't having a go at me, but I thought I would clarify why I thought it unreasonable that the midwives initially criticised me for calling an ambulance. Once they saw DD2's head and my waters broke all over the midwife's shoes, I think they probably understood why the pain had caused us to call one!

"I didn't actually realise I was in labour - even in the ambulance we thought I just had a severe kidney infection. When the midwives checked me they found her head. "

Frozen I dont think rock chic read your post properly.

BTW my friend had a lodger who had a kidney infection, went to docs about twice over a week, given meds obvioulsy, one night my friend heard lodger moaning and groaning, and found her on floor moaning seemingly un conscious, she was DEAD a day later.

I know you didnt have one - but If i thought I had one and was pregnant and in that much pain I too would call an ambulance! anyone sensible WOULD.

You werent calling one because you knew you were in labour for goodness sake nad your husband couldnt be bothered to drive or call a taxi!

PLEASE report thier attitude at least to PALS - let them know how much its affected you.

rock

an ambulance is only for an emergency situation,

a baby arriving at 35 weeks isnt an emergency>

Just posted on another thread about my very positive home birth experience with DC2.

My DH was not 100% certain until he had the opportunity to meet the midwife at our home-birth home-visit. He was able to ask lots of questions and she put his mind at rest. He felt much more involved in the experience than he did with DC1s hospital birth. Maybe your DH will feel differently once he has had chance to meet the community midwife (hopefully a different one from the one you saw who suggested MLU).

I felt relaxed and calm at home with none of that 'is it time to go to hospital' anxiety, being in my own surroundings somehow made me feel more in control, I enjoyed being able to potter about as and when I wanted, to pop to the loo when I wanted (our local hospital does not have ensuite rooms), eating biscuits and chatting to the midwife between contractions, I felt I was in charge of what happened when rather than the people in uniforms who staff hospitals, managed the pain with just TENS no problem.

As someone else has said you can book a home birth and change your mind at any point. They give you a list of everything you need to provide and leave a box with all their stuff for you to keep at your house. I gave birth to DC2 kneeling with my elbows on the sofa in our living room - just felt right on the day. Contractions started at 7.30pm ish and my mum and dad were staying with us so they took DC1 off to a friends house where they all stayed over night but this time I'd be quite happy for both DCs to be here, especially at night as I'm sure they'd sleep through.

Needless to say we're planning another home birth for DC3 due in Oct.

Best wishes.

Eliza I read the post fine thankyou, I had been referring to the idea of ringing an ambulance to take OP to the MLU. Generally (and I'm not referring to the OP's situation here) going into labour at 35 weeks would not be a situation that warranted an ambulance, I understand that the OP was in an ambulance for another reason but just thought I would clarify that for you. An ambulance is designed for when there isn't time to get safely to the hospital by any other mode of transport, contractions so close to full term wouldn't be a reason to take a valuable, limited resource away from someone else!

Frozen if there's an arrangement in place then of course that would be a different scenario entirely, I have a close relative who works for my local ambulance service and many women seem to think just going into normal labour is reason to use an ambulance as a taxi, that was all I was trying to get across to you. Again apologies if it didn't come across that way.

I don't see the point personally in travelling so far to the MLU, when you potentially would have to transfer back again to the hospital if anything went wrong

rock - apologies - it was ME who misread post at end re ambulance a second time if ops DH wasnt there.

apologies

HOWEVER, i am amazed that going into labour so early is not warranted as an emergency? As op said "since DD2 was 5 weeks early the paeds definitely thought it was an emergency too - had she arrived on the way there and struggled to breathe upon delivery things could have been very nasty for her (and it's more normal for 35 weekers to spend time in NICU / SCBU than not - we were very lucky). "