Birth Trauma?

[alreadybroody]

I had a difficult birth with my DS earlier this year. 1st baby, induced at +14, spent 3 days going through a full induction, finally forceps and crash CS under a GA, PPH and infection, baby in special care for a few days.

For a few weeks after I felt on top of the world, I'd done everything and I made it in the end, he and I were here and fine. Once the happy hormones wore off I clung onto doing my best to bf, had lots of trouble from the start and gave up at 12 weeks.

DS is now 6m's and I can barley think about his birth let alone talk about it without wanting to cry. I have to switch the TV over if anything birth related is on. I've had many friend have babies over the last few months and found myself incredibly anxious about their births and with one friend who was induced I was so anxious for her that I cried my eyes out.

When I hear people talk about their births or others at baby groups I feel I want to tell them about mine, like I need to turn the conversation into how bad mine was, if someone had it hard, I had it worse type thing. I don't I keep my mouth shut.

I don't want to be this person, I don't want to keep reliving what happened in my mind. Is this birth trauma? Is it normal after birth? Should it ease off? Where would I go for help?

Bless you. Sounds like you had an awful time. I can relate to your story to a certain extent (got pre-eclampsia and my early induction lasted 6 days and ended with EMCS) and whilst I don't look back and cry, I do relive a lot of what happened and feel like I never really got closure (obviously aside from having my baby). I feel like I should have asked for an explanation as to what went wrong and why. It was so stressful and not at all the wonderful experience I thought it'd be. My DD is wonderful though and that's what keeps me from thinking the whole thing was the pits,

It's possible to get PTSD from birth and it sounds like this might be possible with you. Your GP and/or Health Viditor should be able to advise. You must talk to them. Apparently you can ask to speak to one of the hospital staff for a 'review' of your labour. And request some kind of counselling. I'm not suggesting you have PND but it can creep up in you, months after having your baby.

Please seek some advice. You deserve to have good memories of your dc's arrival not be haunted by it.

Thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry to hear about your experience, 6 days that must have been really hard.

We did an antenatal course and understood most of what happened. Everything was pretty step by step, staff were brilliant and at the time it didn't feel at all dramatic. Which is why I feel so confused about my feelings. I'd like the debrief as there are some things I've assumed but don't actually know.

I have a leaflet for birth reflections appointment but just the thought of calling up gets me choked up. I've been waiting for enough time to pass to not feel quiet so emotional about it but it's just getting worse. Also I can't go anywhere, see GP ect without DS with me and I don't want to get myself worked up in front of him. I guess I know I need some help, just so hard admitting I'm struggling.

There's a charity called the birth trauma association who can help you. www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/. Do have a look at their website and maybe contact them? maybe you could start the contact with them over the phone when your ds is asleep, so you can be emotional if you need to.
Your Local services for birth reflections would probably be helpful and hopefully won't have a time limit. A friend of mine went for a debrief when her dd was about 16 months old and still found it very helpful.
You're not alone, many people feel this way and there is help available. I hope you find the right people to help you.

Agree with thing1andthing2 re trying to talk on the phone while ds is asleep. Or can dp or a friend hold ds in the GP waiting room or talk them for a walk whilst you have your appt?

You've had some good advice from other mnetters on this thread. Really hope you find something useful. Please let me know how you get on? I hate to think of you being so sad about this.

Poor you. I had a much less technically traumatic birth than you but I ha flashbacks for about two years. It took me til ds was 5 (now 7) to even consider having another baby. It didn't help that he was clingy and didn't sleep well. I've just discovered I'm pregnant again - slightly surprisingly - and I know I have to adress these issues now. I spoke to the Birth Trauma Association for work and they were amazing. I plan to go back to them now to help me work out what went wrong an how I can achieve a better outcome this time. That was compounded when I spoke to a lovely - but quite pushy midwife. I need to make sure I get the birth I want, not what she wants this time. My start point has been to order my hospital records and those of DS - who was hospitalised for 3 days with 24 hours of birth.

I've also met people who've had birth trauma counselling in the past who said the help and experience was transformational.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to suggest you contact the birth trauma association first. They are immediately compassionate and on your side. And they're totally unjudgemental and will understand your traumtic birth and any potential PTSD or similar that you have now. They will advise and help about what's available locally, and help you find the courage to insist that you get the help you need - ie not to get fobbed off by rubbish GP or similar.

The other thing I'd say is that for me, it really has eased over time. Although I'm quite sure that won't feel helpful immediately, perhaps it will give you a long term goal.

Good luck and well done. Talkign about it on here is a critical first step.

And honey, I don't know many mums who haven't found it incredibly hard work at times. You don't seem to be struggling with being a mum. It's just you had a horrible experience and need to get some closure on it. It is NOT a reflection on your ability to be a great Mum, you hear me?!! In fact, doing nothing and letting this take you over would not be good for you or your DS.

Hi, I had a 'traumatic' birth and, like you, I looked on it positively at first - we were both alive and that was the best outcome.

But as time went on I realised that I had a lot of anxiety about what happened and especially the idea of having another baby. Taking advice I got on MN I made an appointment to talk to the head midwife and an obstetrician to go through my file and I found talking it through with them very helpful in understanding what happened and why (and what could be done differently next time to avoid it going wrong again).

I won't say it's taken all the worry away but I think it's helped. It might be worth seeing if you can do the same?

Through this I've learnt that far more women than you think feel traumatised in some way by giving birth. It's very common but that doesn't mean we don't need some help dealing with it.

Agree with other posters, try to seek some help, you will feel better for it in the long run.

And don't let anyone belittle how you feel by saying 'well you're all fine now'.

My birth story is similar to yours and it took 2 years before I admitted to myself I was traumatised, only now (4+ years later) can I look back and realise I didn't do anything wrong.

(hugs)

I could have written your post after my ds's birth. I was refered by gp for couselling and they refered me for specific ptsd counselling (on nhs). After ONE session of EMDR and could have a normal chat with a stranger about births. Previously I would be running to the hills rather than overhearing someone discussing anything to do with birth / newborns or sobbing uncontrollabley over people. It had an amazing effect of re-setting my reaction, I know it was still a bad experience but it doesn't overwhelm me anymore.

What you describe, switching off tv, talking too much, worrying inappropriately that others will be similarly hurt are all classic symptoms of ptsd. How about making a list f things you do / think that seem a bit over the top and give it to the gp. I did this recently as a memory aid when taking ds to the gp about various stuff and she asked to keep it as it helped her write the referal letter for him.

De-brief was useful to understand why it happened eg decisions that mws made that could perhaps have been done differently. When I phoned the number I just said I wanted to talk to someone about my labour and she took my contact details, I didn't have to go into any of it there and then.

Don't suffer with this, try and get some help. You owe it to your family if you can't do it for your own sake.

Thank you everyone for your posts of support and advice. I've stopped talking about it in RL because I feel people don't want or need to hear it anymore, he's 6mth's now.

ButtonBoo It really choked me up to hear someone say it's not reflecting on be being a good mum. It's something that's always in the back of my mind. Thank you.

Sesquipedality congratulations on your pregnancy, please update me on how things go with your MW re birth plan etc.

I hadn't thought of listing the things I'm doing and taking that with me to the Dr, what a great idea. I know ill probably get emotional and loose my thread so I'm sure that would help.

I think my first step is to call the birth trauma people. Just need to pluck up the courage.I guess I've been making excuses not to seek help ie having DS with me. I'm sure a friend or DP can have him while I have the appointment. It's just an extra hurdle to explain to that person why I'm having an appointment. DP doesn't know I struggle with this, we don't talk a lot. I'm the type of person that keeps things to myself, especially the things that really get to me. I'm that person who can't explain what's wrong because I'm too upset.

In some ways I feel like a bit of a fraud because I am coping. I get up, get dressed, carry on with my life and I'm happy. Then something happens, a friend is due or had a baby, OBEM adverts come on the telly, people talk about birth stories in baby groups or ask about my DS's birth and wham my bottom lip is wobbling and I'm running for the nearest exit. Then I spend the next 24 hrs thinking about birth and my birth and how things could have been different etc.

off to have a read up on EMDR ....

Sounds like you have a plan OP. And if you ever doubt your abilities as a mum, come and let me know and I'll get my wagging finger back out!

Broody, your experience sounds a bit like mine with DS. I was terrified about the long term implications for him, traumatised by the whole thing and guilty that it had ruined his life. I was also angry that nobody seemed to care about either of us; lots of people who had acknowledged dd's birth ignored his, no visitors/txts when he was in icu etc.

I spent much of the first 5 weeks in tears. It was horrendous. I really had no idea how to deal with any of it.
Advice on the sn board was great, and I just took things one day at a time.
Once he started to meet his milestones, and his brain mri came back clear I started to relax a bit.

When he was 4mo, I went through my labour notes with a midwife. It was ok. I expected to cry, but didn't at all. It was just a kind and gentle discussion about a series of events which made me feel much less guilty - although I still think if I hadn't have sat on the sofa he'd have been in a better position and if I'd accepted an earlier induction rather than waiting for the waterbirth that I wasn't allowed, he'd not have been so big and we'd have had an easier time. That really helped straighten my head out. We also bumped into the mw who recussitated DS so we got to thank her.

I still regret not having the beautiful birth experience I wanted and we're stopping at 2 so I never will but its just a small regret now. Just like the fact that I'd love to be able to draw, or sing in tune. It's just one of those things.

As for our crap friends, well I know now that when the chips are down, they're bloody useless. (mind you, we might have down played it a little but a baby in icu is a baby in icu imho) I have a fab group of virtual friends on here with whom I can be completely honest and open and I know where to invest in people now.

It does take time, but you will be able to move on. I wouldn't worry too much about talking about it in the presence of your Lo tbh. So. You might cry. He's your baby, he's only 6mo. I'm sure he's already aware of your emotions. DS seems to have survived several soggy weeks. He didn't drown in the tears, he's a bit of a velcro baby but I think that meets my needs as much as his.
Be kind to yourself, talk to folk who've been there, the birth trauma association, and, when your ready go through your labour notes, and you'll be fine in time. You wind like you're ready to start. If so, the sooner you start, the sooner it will start to become easier.

Already

I had a so called Text book birth - read more like a 2nd time than first - and I still talk about my birth and cant face another labour with no2 and yet I was so lucky. Nothing traumatic happened expect for me the fear of what could....alll my friends had everything going wrong with thiers that you can think of....including the very worst of outcomes...

I think there is movement towards recognising that labour at any stage can simply be too much for some women, let alone when something goes wrong....people, women can be very hard on women who found it too much or complain.

Personally I think its good that women share birth stories, there is too much airy fairy crap floated out there thats its a walk in the park.

Try not to feel upset about all this - you have been through a shock and trauma....go easy on yourself.

I had to meet a consultant to talk about my next birth and she was part of birth trauma ass, and although technically my birth couldnt have gone better she was sympahtetic and i got through a hole box of tissues in the meeting, they kind of " expect" high emotion.....i didnt even notice that they had strategically placed a box of tissues next to me!

Also your hormones in general may not have settled down, having a baby when your not traumatised, had an easy birth - and all is great and good can get people down ...its a big shock!

Yes that does sound very similar to me. I didn't have flashbacks or re-occuring dreams because I did not think about it . I am very good at blocking out things that I don't want to think about - turns out that is not such a great thing to do! But when strangers or OBEM adverts (those bastards, not really I watch it again now!) put it in my face I would feel very, very agitated. People are going to keep on having babies, its not like you can get away from it.

My therapist said if she could have she would have videoed my assessment for students as it was textbook ptsd. You are not a fraud, just because you are not staring at a wall 24/7 ignoring your baby, doesn't mean you don't deserve help.

already - thank you for your kind words. I'm crapping myself and have lots to deal with. With the Birth Trauma Association, just start with a phonecall when DC is asleep. Take small steps, one at a time, and don't worry yet about who will look after DS if you decide on a face to face at some point. You will work it out, that's what we mothers do. It's like giving up booze or fags, just concentrate on the one you're not having now, if you focus on the lifetime without them it will overwhelm you!

I had terrible trouble leaving mine with anyone in the early days, i think because he was poorly at the start, I didn't trust anyone else, not even DP completely. And yet I didn't quite trust myself either, because if I'm honest, I did blame myself for my own terrible birth and for DS being ill. Part of me still does and these are the things I need to address. I also think that for me, it seems clear that my own head will always, always worry that I'm not up the job of being mum to such a wonderful little boy. I work on using that internal fear of inadequacy, which started when he was ill. to help me continue to work at being the best mum I can.

Perhaps we can stay in touch here if we both embark on small steps in addressing things?

Sorry I also wanted to ask, could you maybe consider writing to your LO or showing him this thread if you can't face doing it face to face. You never know his reaction might surprise you.

But the most important thing is to def not try and cope alone. Mumsnet can be the best place in the world if you're looking for support.

I did write a long post this morning but it seems to have been lost in cyber space.

Thank you all for your stories and replies, it's really comforting knowing I'm not alone. I agree it doesn't necessarily need to be a difficult birth to feel traumatised by it, it's scary and there are so many stories and so much anticipation. I really appreciate that you all took time to post your advice, support and experiences it means a lot to me. It's hard to find support in RL, I think some of my friends can be a bit reserved about offering support. I know I keep my feelings to myself a lot and as I'm generally functioning ok maybe they don't realise how I feel.

Sesquipedality I'd love to keep in touch and swap notes on how are steps are going. I emailed the birth trauma association today. I've also been thinking I may start working on writing my birth story. It'd be an interesting exercise that I could do while DS is sleeping. When are you due?

Well done already. That was quick! Do give yourself a huge pat on the back for that. You've made me determined to order my mat records - I will do it today. Have been putting it off ... Also been reading another thread about looming births, which is making me somewhat shaky. Thought I'd put it all behind me, but suspect my reaction means I've just been ignoring it.

Do post when you've had an email back and let me know what they said. I spoke to them them while working on a poject about birthing horror stories (don't ask) earlier this year. Until then I thought a c-section was the answer if I ever fell pregnant again, now I haven't a clue. Shit.

I know what you mean about friends. Do you have family nearby?

I have a good way of appearing to be totally on top of things apparently, I am often seen as a "coper". Added to that is the fact that I am quite private, a bit of a control feak, and must say I do find it extradinarily difficult to ask for help. It's not that I don't want help, it's that I find it hard to "put upon" people who I know have their own lives and problems to cope with. Whatever the issue is, small or large. Since having DS (7) and him starting school I did build up a decent network of mums, we swapped child/crisis care. But we moved last year, so I've started from scratch.

I had a similar problem with a bereavement 13 or so years ago. About six months in I got totally stuck mentally/emotionally. knew I had a problem, was problably now depessed rather than grieving, and that I needed to talk but just felt I couldn't talk to friends ONE MORE TIME because I was becomng so boring. There was nothing new to say, I just needed to talk and say the same stuff over and over in the hope it might work itself out. Needless to say I made DPs life very difficult, who ended up saying I don't know what to say.. The answer I must admit came in a visit to my then (useless GP), who offered me pills, I said not yet, but could you refer me to someone I could talk to maybe? I had about five sessions with a pyscotherapist and it was transformational. I paid for it, but it was worth every penny.

The amazing thing was that I felt no guilt with psychotherapist because it was a commercial transaction. She chose her job, agreed to take me, so didn't matte if I banged on - that was the point. She helped me work some things through. Critically it was amazing to have a pofessional hear my story and then agree that I had indeed had a horrible time. There's moe but it's dull and specific, but it opened my eyes to the benefits of outside (paid if ecessary) help in emotional situations.

Sorry I fogot to say, writing your birthing story is a great idea. I used Mumsnet A LOT for first three/fou years of DS life, and at times saved some of my posts for posterity. Ditto with my bereavement 13 years ago in the vey, very earliet days of chatrooms. You could always do it that way if it feels too overwhelming to think you've got to write the whole thing. You could just start and post a bit, do a bit more etc.