Do I need some post birth counselling?

[Daisybell1]

I had an emcs back in September after induction failed to progress. I was 40+13 when dd was finally hauled out. The c-section was a very calm experience and recovery was great.

Until 4 days ago I honestly thought it was the best thing to have had and was determined to ask for an elcs with dc2 - am currently 8 weeks.

But a friend has just had a lovely calm water birth, of the type I'd really wanted, and I'm now completely thrown. Upset, crying, feeling a complete failure. I don't know if this is regret at how dd arrived, jealousy that I'll never have that experience (I've been told future pregnancies are high risk) or am I being stupid as, having seen her photos of them in the pool I've realised that there are none of dd immediately post birth or any of me at all with her as oh didn't think to take any.

Surely I can't be losing the plot simply because I don't have that proud mummy photo? It doesnt help that I was off my face on tranquilisers so I barely remember her birth, she didn't cry on delivery so I had no idea whether she'd been born or not, and after I'd seen her for 30 secs he took her back to the mw as he was worried about her being mucusy.

This isn't all oh's fault, I'm sure. But do I really need help getting over this? Or am I just being a self-indulgent moaner?

Oh and now everyone's talking on fb about how they have that overwhelming rush of love for their children, that completely engulfs them and I'm thinking, I didn't have that, I've never had that, do I love her??? She seems to quite like me, and we jog along quite happily, but the overwhelming rush of love seems to have passed me by

I haven't got any immediate post birth pics of either of my DDs, but I have some lovely ones of DS. 3 very different birth experiences here, but I don't feel disappointed there are no pictures from te first 2.

Dd1 was normal delivery right up to the point of crowning, then heartrate dropped so room filled with medics and it was all pandemonium!

Dd2 was normal delivery after induction until they told me to start pushing at only 5cm, which caused all sorts of issues resulting in me having a massive bleed and spending 3 days in ICU

DS was normal delivery, and I was petrified after dd2. I refused the drip to speed things up, but I did let them break my waters. Shortest easiest labour, yet the biggest of my 3 babies.

We had immediate skin to skin and DH took some amazing pictures just because we could this time.

Try not to worry too much x

The overwhelming rush of love thing never happened to me either with DC1. I was just so shocked from the whole birth experience that I just cried, and not from love, more like "shit that was horrendous" and "what on earth have we done".

Although books, TV and film promote the "overwhelming rush of love" default, I think that's through a certain laziness to explore the more diverse reality. Many of my friends have had a similar reaction to me after the birth, which is reassuring!

With DC1 it was more a gradual falling in love, whilst we got to know each other. She's 2.5 now and all is fine.

DC2 was a rush of love though, don't know if this is because we were more relaxed second time round.

No love rush for me! Only one after birth photo cos dh was too busy crying and I was just totally exhausted. 4days + of contractions every 15 mins.

Natural birth tho.

Counselling may help but sounds like your grieving so give yourself abit of time, maybe talk to your HV about it.

Have you asked the hospital for a debrief on your birth? I had an EMCS in September also and had a debrief a couple of months ago to ask about what to do next time as I was already stressing about future births. They advised that ds could not fit through my pelvis so likely to need cs in future.

That helped me give up the guilt I was feeling for 'failing' to progress and have the water birth we were trying for. Perhaps if you can find out similar info it will help you either let go of the pressure for a natural birth, or help give you confidence you can do it (if you want).

Btw that immediate post birth pic isn't always great - ds looked very red and squashed and quite uncute, and I looked very puffy and dazed so it's not a pic I like to look at! A few hours later when both recovered was much better.

Thank you all for your replies.

I've had a birth debrief a while ago, but this was when I was feeling fine about the section. Maybe I had it too soon. Cupcake, it does feel like grief yes, I'll try to book a HV appt this week.

I guess the grief didn't hit home until I saw the photos, and the realisation that there are none of me with dd at all, and she's 9 months old now.

I also know I'm over-reacting to every wobble, and panicking about loving/not loving DD as I had pre-natal depression with her and I'm really scared of it happening again.

Thanks again.

Daisybell I reckon you're a pretty special mum to be so worried about this - failure? Eh...

I think if you feel a bit down, things that really don't matter at all seem really important.

How your baby was born is nothing to do with how good a parent you make and its the parent bit that really matters. Birth lasts 24 hours - parenting lasts a lifetime.

Women can be very cruel and very competitive about birth and the net effect is it undermines people's confidence. What does that lead to? Lots of children living with mums who teetering on depression. That does harm children and it is very cruel.

I have a South American acquaintance who said that in SA, women who have natural birth are looked down on as being too poor to afford a caesarean so it is entirely social pressure created by women feeling they have to live up to totally stupid expectations.

Don't succomb to it, Daisy - you weren't bothered about the birth until someone planted the seed in your mind that you might have missed out.

I bet you're a wonderful, caring mum with a healthy baby and that's what matters.

That's success and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

i didn't have the rush of love thing either with number one - funnily enough I've mentioned it in passing in my most recent blog post ( sarahspoutsoff.wordpress.com/2012/06/15/and-suddenly-youre-a-parent/ )
but it's not the focus of the post. Sorry if I seem to be 'advertising' my blog - just wanted you to know you are not alone and those feelings don't make you a bad mother. But do seek professional help if you are worried - if only to talk things through and get them straight in your head. It's good to talk. Very best wishes

Thank you all so much. I had got myself in a tizz, hadn't I?

I'm feeling much better now helped by oh digging out a photo he DID take after dd was born so I do have one .

You're right about being fine until friend was adamant she didn't want a section (made me feel pants for needing one) and then getting the birth she wanted.

OH has also pointed out that there may have been no rush down the corridor to theatre with dd in distress, but that doesn't mean that the section wasn't necessary. He has convinced me it wasn't my fault I needed one.

And dd is currently snoring on me after troughing a portion of pasta with hm tomato sauce

Oh, on facebook... Yeah, well, with all the competitive mummy bollocks, people aren't exactly going to write 'er, no rush of love here. I was knackered and off my face.' are they? Fb isn't well known for being a site of searing honesty. I'd trust an anonymous forum like mn any day, rather than believe anyone would post they didn't love their kids on fb, and have their entire social circle whispering behind their hands in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Wanting to have what your friend had is entirely normal. If you can be bothered, 'brain, child' did an article last year about how shared experience works in social communities, such that everyone wants to have the same thing (and things acquire cultural value as a result... Like naice ham.)

You don't need counselling for your birth experience. You just need to recognise what a powerful construction the 'perfect birth' is, and that it is, indeed, largely a construction. Society has done a really good number on women.

That doesn't make your feelings any less valid - but I would suggest they are more tied up with depression etc and fear of being a failure, than they are with any specific trauma around the birth.

Hv is a good idea, get checked again and meds if nec, and you found them useful before.

Post natal depression (that black word) was the reason I had all the feelings you are talking about. You are normal (what ever that means) find someone to talk too. Everyone has a different birth story your sounds like you are both lucky to be here x

Maybe the question is not so much 'do I need counselling' as 'do I want counselling'? Having just spent a few sessions with a health psychologist I can say it was quite refreshing not to have to put a brave spin on my experiences in the way I typically would if I was talking to a friend or another mum.

The main reason I did this was because although day-to-day I felt like I was fine about DS's birth, I am now pregnant again and have experienced some v. strong and uncontrollable crying/emotion over it - particularly when with HCP. Not very empowering!

Personally I think it's normal to grieve over not having had that joyful (perhaps idyllic?) start with your child. I didn't have it, and like you, felt fine about it (was necessary, had appropriate care etc) until friends had wonderful experiences, which caused me to feel sad that DS and I had missed out.

I would vote for talking it through with someone, BUT also agree with other posters that the endgame is to enjoy your child and being a mum.

You sound like such an incredibly loving mummy to get so upset over this I can't believe the guilt and pressure that is laid on new mums - making us feel we should 'experience a rush of love' or being judged for not being able to breastfeed, or 'cherish every moment when they are tiny' (lol, that last one is my favourite - yeah I cherished the BFing every 1.5 hrs round the clock until I was almost cross eyed with sleep deprivation, felt hugely fat and in pain from C section and oh yea, wearing those maternity pads - great!-SO wanting to cherish every one of those moments. Not!)

I reckon women can be pushed into depression quite easily especially when your hormones are all over the place. I did feel that 'rush of love' but it's no more special than the day to day feeling of love for your baby that you have, that you probably underestimate else you wouldn't have made such a touching post also I found that all of a sudden (when my first period came along at about 10 weeks postpartum) that all my hormones seemed to just go back to normal and I feel totally myself again, much more relaxed, and everything got much easier to manage from then. I also wanted a hypno water birth and ended up with a C section but tbh it made the experience special for me as I realised what a lucky amazing thing it was to be able to have that when my little boy would have been in trouble otherwise - like a little adventure/battle that we got through together, same as you and your little one went through together too