How can I do things differently?

[williwas]

Gave birth over a year ago, now expecting DC2 and reflecting on the birth and what I'd like to do differently this time around.

I've felt quite sad about it. Possibly depressed even. Confused definitely. I don't know whether to love or hate the birth team who, on the one hand, gave me a healthy, happy child despite complications or, on the other, caused a classic cascade of intervention (perhaps) and made me feel a bit of a failure.

I just don't feel like I was 'allowed' to have any semblance of a normal birth.

When my waters broke, there was dark yellow/greenish meconium (one midwife seemed unfussed by this but then another - possibly her superior - had a look and seemed worried. I was kept lying down, on a continuous monitor - I was not allowed to move or even sit up properly.

A few hours later I was told that it would be wise to get the baby out as soon as possible because of the meconium (baby's heart rate was fine), so they put me on a strong oxytocin drip. I was offered an epidural. Asked what they advised and was told to take it, sooner rather than later, as labour with the drip can be 'very difficult'. So because of this my contractions never reached the very painful stage. I feel guilty and wimpish about this and just nod along when other women talk about their horrific contractions.

I was pushing for half an hour, when baby's heartrate dipped causing some panic. Episiotomy and forceps followed, then baby's shoulder turned out to be stuck, requiring a flurry of midwives/doctors to get him out.

I don't know why I didn't question all the intervention. I guess at the time I was scared and thought my medical team knew best. Part of me thinks, well, they probably did and I should be grateful DS came out healthy. Another part of me wonders if they overplayed the meconium thing and all the intervention actually caused the problems I had at the end (shoulder dystocia from not having an active labour?). I'll never know.

I'm annoyed I stayed so mute during the whole thing - I was just scared, scared, scared - about pain and about risking my baby's life, so did as I was told. At the time it seemed like the sensible thing to do. Although maybe it was?? See - confused!

I want things to be different this time. But what can I do? I'm going to the same hospital, possibly the same team. Should I be more questioning this time? Could I refuse oxytocin, continuous monitoring etc? Or should I just put my faith in the (admittedly jolly lovely, kind and concerned) people who helped me deliver a happy, healthy DS last time?

Willi. O can't help.

Dd1 w born by vbac, 37 weeks, apgar 1/10.

No one believed I was in labour.

Dd2 was born 32 weeks by emcs but they know she as coming, you need to find your voice.

I'd take and emcs over and intervened labour, but thwfsnjustnmel get an advocate, you will be fine xx

In sorry you had a bad experience first time round, but you most definitely weren't a failure!

I'm not an expert in any of this, but after being told I had to have continual monitoring with DS I've since looked into it a lot in preparation for having another baby. Apparently they can use a clip monitor on baby's head if you need continual monitoring, so you can still move around. For me personally I didn't have an epidural, and wouldn't again next time as I want to know I am pushing as effectively as I can, and also an epidural often means a less active labour.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to ask Why at any given moment. So if they say you need monitoring, ask why. That way you can make an informed decision at each stage.

Good luck with the birth, I hope everything goes well for you

williwas, have you considered and can you afford a doula?

I think the thing that jumps out at me in your OP is that you said:
I'm annoyed I stayed so mute during the whole thing - I was just scared, scared, scared - about pain and about risking my baby's life, so did as I was told. At the time it seemed like the sensible thing to do. Although maybe it was?? See - confused!

I get the impression you lack confidence in being able to challenge medical staff and assert yourself when you were in labour. Understandably so.

Possibly having someone there to help you do that would be the answer, someone who has experience of being at births and understands your concerns and fears ahead of any problems.

To me it sounds like you had the birth that you needed to have to keep you and your baby safe, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. And I say this as someone in pretty much the same camp.

I had wanted a completely natural birth, but ended up needing to be induced at 37 weeks. It all went to shit from there really. 11 hours of increasing pain (though not what I would imagine contractions to be like) followed by the worst 10 minutes of my life when they put the monitor on and couldn't find my son's heartbeat (turned out they were listening to his heartbeat, it was just so low that they thought it was mine...). He was born by EMCS 15 minutes later. Not the primal experience I wanted. I never dilated, I never pushed. When people ask me about his birth I still feel a bit of a phony, like I didn't do a proper job.

BUT. If I ever have another (and 5 months without more than 3 hours sleep in a row is steering me away... props to you!) you'd better believe I'd have all the monitoring they could throw at me, because I never want that 10 minutes (or the subsequent 12 hours) again. I'll go with whatever gets me a safe and healthy baby.