my birth story

[nightowlmostly]

I originally started this in the birth reflections thread but got carried away, so I'll put it here instead! I've been meaning to post my birth story for a while to get people's perspective on whether it was quite an average kind of experience. I kind of hope not, because I don't feel it went very well!

My birth experience was very traumatic, although it would be recorded as a 'natural' birth for any stats! My waters went at 3am and I was contracting mildly, and I called the MLU to go in at 7am. They examined me and said if I didn't go into labour naturally during the day I would have to go back in the evening and be induced. They offered to do a sweep so I agreed, as I really didn't want to be alone in the ward overnight.

Soon after the sweep I started bleeding heavily, so they transferred me to the CLU. Well, they left me in a corridor for a bit where I was having strong contractions in front of a maintenance man, wrapped in a bloody sheet. Then they put me in a triage area where I waited with no pain relief for an hour with only a curtain separating me from other people who were waiting.

Then I was taken to a room, examined and found to be 6cm. I was given several VEs, by different doctors. One time a contraction started as the doctor was in the middle of one, I said 'no no' because it hurt so much, but the midwife held my legs apart as I was trying to close them and they finished. I'm sure there was a good reason for this, but it wasn't very pleasant.

There were people in and out constantly. There was a shift change of the consultants so I opened my eyes to see 4 strange men hovering around my bed. Obviously I am legs akimbo at this time. One of them, when I had requested an epidural (which I didn't get), said to me on his way out that I should think of the baby, the epidural wasn't good for him. Again, I know there was a need for all the people there, and at the time tbh I didn't really care, I was in a lot of pain.

I was getting an involuntary urge to push which I couldn't control, and that meant I wasn't allowed any morphine because the baby's heart rate was going down after each contraction. I couldn't have an epidural because it got too late. I can't blame them for this, as it went very quickly, from 6cm to fully dilated in 45 mins. No wonder it bloody hurt! They said I might need forceps, and got them ready. I could hear them talking about doing a c-section if it went on much longer because the baby was in distress, and discussing removing my jewellery for it.

The consultant put me in stirrups, gave me a local anaesthetic and an episiotomy, and said I had one more chance to avoid forceps. This was obviously the incentive I needed, as he was born on that next push without an instrumental delivery. This was only 15 mins after getting fully dilated. I was so out of it on gas and air that I didn't really register that my baby was on my chest, and they then took him away to check him out, but he was fine.

I was stitched up in the room, and then we were left. We stayed for 24 hours to try and establish BFing, which unfortunately didn't happen in the end. This contributed to my feeling very down in the weeks that followed, along with the extreme bruising I suffered from the episiotomy which made it impossible to move without almost ending up in tears. The community midwife said they'd cut a blood vessel which accounted for the bruising. It didn't heal well and I was on antibiotics for about 3 weeks.

Now, I know that this may all seem quite average as far as births go, and I know I was lucky in a lot of ways, but that doesn't stop me feeling quite traumatised by the birth experience. I had hoped for a water birth, but of course I was realistic about the fact that it might not go to plan. It just went so quickly, and I was covered in blood, and the whole thing was just so medicalised. I felt very naive afterwards that I had thought it could be any other way! It felt like a car crash, it was frightening and the word I feel describes it more than any other is 'brutal'.

Thanks if you've read this, I just started and it all came out! It's good to get it down in writing. I'm feeling much better now, and I will be doing it again at some point so it can't have been that bad I guess. I suppose what I'm wondering, is this an average sort of experience or was it particularly bad? Can I expect similar next time or is the whole water birth thing achievable? It doesn't feel like it is to me!

Thanks for reading!

It was traumatic for you and it is that which matters, not comparing with other people, although it doesn't sound the easiest.

It reads to me as though you didn't really feel in control and that things were done to you without you understanding why. I think when it goes quickly there is more chance that you won't know what's going on and that people might think after:"Oh,quick delivery. She had an easy time", when it can feel quite traumatic.
Could you talk through it with one of your MW's and process it that way?

I did go to a debrief at the hospital, which was really helpful. They even gave me a copy of my notes which is good, so I can always go back to them if I get confused. It was just that it was all so fast and things happened when I didn't know why. I accepted at the time that the medical staff knew best and went with whatever they said, but it still is hard to come to terms with.

I don't want to offend anyone who had it harder, but I think like you say, the main thing is a loss of control. I know that some people can feel empowered after, like they achieved something, whereas I feel like something horrible happened to me , if that makes sense.

Well done for putting it all down!

Twelve weeks ago I was induced, following a diagnosis of preeclampsia. I had contractions for three/four days in hospital, had my waters broken, numerous exceptionally painful examinations, was put on a hormone drip and had an epidural (best pain relief in the world!) before.... eventually... having a c-section as I developed a fever and my baby needed to be delivered quickly.

And now for the positives ? the midwives were excellent, my partner could not have been more supportive and out came a gorgeous, healthy little chappy!

For a couple of weeks afterwards I was having 'flash backs' (not traumatic ones as such) until I spent several hours writing my experience out. It really helped me to 'make sense' of it all rather than a jumble of memories pieced together clumsily. I hope this helps you too.

nightowl what a traumatic experience, sorry you had to go through all that

For what it's worth, my birth story isn't that dissimilar - labour not as quick as yours, but the same interventions, although I did have an epidural and required forceps.

But the difference between our experiences I think is the way we were treated. Your level of care sounds shocking! Perhaps this is why women have such bad experiences with medicalised birth - not so much from the actual interventions, but from the way the medical staff behave towards them? Just a thought.

I always thought I would dread the need for interventions, but I actually found the experience absolutely fine - although part of that is because I had been in hospital for three weeks, suspected I might end up with a CS and as long as it meant getting the baby out safely, I'd have been happy with anything! I do understand what you mean about the loss of control - normally that would have concerned me a lot too, but I was past caring by that point.

Good to hear you went for a debrief - do consider taking to a professional about your experience, if you feel it is still traumatic / affecting you - perhaps a counsellor, or the birth trauma association?

And I'm sure you'll be able to have a water birh next time. No birth is the same! :)

This is just the kind of experience I believe the birth reflections service should be addressing. You found it traumatic so it doesn't matter if another woman would not.
Would it have helped for the MW to come to see you before you went home to go through what happened and why? Or were you still feeling a bit shell shocked and needing the time to think about it? I try to visit all the women I look after the next day so we can talk and see if there are any gaps I can fill in but it's not always feasible. And some women just want to escape and lick their wounds in private so to speak before they are ready to talk.
As you were going to post this in the birth reflections thread can you tell me what you would like from them if you do go to speak to someone?
What you experienced was not "normal" but it is probably not that unusual either. The points that jump out to me are that you sound overwhelmed by the pain, speed and lack of sensitivity you were afforded and nobody seemed to give you much privacy or care. The management of your pain and bruising could have been much better from what you say.
Lastly, it doesn't mean it would be the same next time. A water birth is not out of your reach. Hopefully if you can talk to a MW you can go through this birth and look forward to another one rather than dreading it.

teaandhobnobs funnily enough, apart from the inappropriate comment by a doctor that wasn't caring for me directly, I don't feel like I was treated 'badly'.

The waiting in the corridor thing was a case of crossed wires, as was the triage fiasco, there was no attitude or condescension from anyone. The VE that was pretty much finished by force, I assume it was for my own good, or they'd have had to do it again I suppose. It was awful, but I can look at these things rationally and I realise that they were probably necessary

It's weird, but one of the things that makes me feel better about the whole thing is that I don't feel that I was treated badly.

trafficwarden, I did go to a listening service at the hospital for my debrief, and spoke to a senior midwife who went through everything with me. She showed me the trace, and explained why they were concerned about the baby. She also told me that the sweep most likely didn't cause the fast labour, as I thought it may have. She said there was no reason to think it affected things, other than being the reason they transferred me and put me on a monitor. I guess in a way it did affect it then, as I would have stayed on the MLU otherwise and it would have probably all been different.

The debrief was very helpful, as I felt like I could put it behind me finally, but for some reason again lately I've been going over it in my head. It's maybe just my character, I do tend to stress about stuff, and obsess a bit! I'm sure all women probably have a bit of trouble getting over their first birth, it's just such a shock. There's no way you can ever know how painful and intense it will be.

I'm so disappointed because it was so far removed from what I'd hoped for. I was actually seriously considering a home birth, that's how certain I was that I didn't want a medicalised experience. In the end my DH and I decided to go to the MLU the first time, and if it all went well we'd opt for a home birth the next time. Unfortunately, the opposite has happened, and now I can't imagine wanting to feel like that at home. Whether I'd feel the same or not I can't tell, but don't want to risk it. I don't want my home to remind me of a trauma, I need it to be my happy place! I'm not sure, I've thought it may be an option, but my DH is not comfortable with the idea after what happened.

Thanks again, this is good therapy for me x

I've not given birth before so can't really comment on whether this is 'typical' or not, though I bloody hope not. But my heart does go out to you, it doesn't sound pleasant at all. Maybe no one intentionally treated you badly, but some of the things that happened certainly don't sound pleasant - such as being left covered in a blood soaked sheet (which for me would remind me of my MC, I can appreciate how awful that would have been for you, it would have really upset me too). Things being an 'accident', crossed-wires, lack of thought or whatever doesn't mean we can't still feel bad about them.

Hi nightowl sorry to hear about your birth experience, sounds very rough. Personally I hate all these threats: "if you don't start labour soon, we'll do a sweep; if labour doesn't progress we'll start the drip; if you don't get the baby out with the next push we'll get the forceps out". It's bad enough being in labour without people giving you a hard time. Mumsnet's top phrase is called for in these situations. Medical staff are people doing a job, they're human not gods, so don't feel cowed by them and don't feel you have to do everything they say. I would be mega pissed off at forced vaginal exam. I don't personally think sweeps are as harmless as they make out, but what do I know, I've never had one and don't ever intend to. My birth at a MLU went well apart from some mildly threatening "if you don't eat something now, you'll have to be transferred to hospital" (due to low blood sugar caused by puking). Still, gave me something to chuck up during transition. Home birth for me this time, I'm keeping well out of it. Hope you have a great experience next time and get the birth YOU want. It can be good!