Dp either gets angry or laughs when i say i want a homebirth

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I'm about 14 weeks pregnant with dc2 (not had a scan yet so i dont think i'm actually that far along, more like 12 weeks) and after a really terrible hospital birth with DS i really want to think seriously about a homeirth. The problem is because i had such a rough time the first time around DP is looking at that as confirmation that i need to be in the hospital second time around.

He's not an idiot, I know he's just scared as his first son (my stepson) had to be born early and ended up in scbu. I was induced at 40+10 (hospital policy that i wasn't confident enough to fight) and had the whole cascade of intervention which resulted in forceps and an episiotomy that no one informed me they were doing or asked me to consent to; so it definately felt like alot of my previous birth was done to me, rather than something i was part of IYSWIM.

Now in my opinion alot of what went "wrong" last time was because i was induced and was on the clock and being monitered all the time. I've already told my midwife that this time i will not be being induced unless there's a medical need other than "you're overdue". However i don't think DP agrees with that, i think because of his experience first time around as well he just thinks thats how births go most of the time.

This will be our last child and i really want a positive experience for both of us, one where dp can feel more involved and one where i feel much more in control. I know some of you may feel that because i'm the one that has to go through the birth Dp doesn't get a say; but its his baby as well and i wouldn't feel comfortable going through with a homebirth if he's completely unconvinced by them and wasn't supportive.

so ultimately i just wanted some advice on how to convince him that history wont necessarily repeat itself and that a homebirth is a viable option for us.

Both you and he are being reasonable, you just have come to different conclusions because of your different perceptions and experiences. He has seen that many things can go wrong with childbirth and wants you to have access to top-level medical care if you need it, because he loves you and needs to know you are as safe as possible. You know that you will find a non-medicalised setting more comfortable and a more positive experience, and feel that a hospital could do harm as well as good. You are both right, and it would be best to find a compromise if possible.

Is there a midwife-led birth centre anywhere near you? That might be a compromise which would give DP the confidence that there is access to expertise available if needed whilst giving you the confidence to trust your body and avoid medical interventions as much as possible.

I agree with the recommendation of a compromise; it seems very unlikely that your DH will be truly convinced by any argument that homebirth is safe because that won't tally with his previous experience. On the other hand it isn't right that you should be forced into a hospital birth if you're sure you don't want one.
I hope you can find some middle ground.

Please do bear in mind though that if you do end up still pregnant at 40+14 (or more) then baby survival rates do start to fall.

If he's not up for a hb he may not be up for it, but we found doing a hypnobirthing course helped us both deal with our fears re birth as well as get Dh very much involved in the birth.

I almost had a hb but went to hospital after 22 hours as my contractions were diminishing. Hypnobirthing and hubby helped me birth and both have a positive experience.

Thank you for the responses. The idea of a compromise is good, but I'm not sure there are any MLU centres near us, which would again put DP off as i know he will be very much like "the hospital is closer just go there".

The frustrating thing is i dont think he's done any research into home births or any research into induction, so he knows nothing about the risks in either situation he just automatically assumes hospital is safer. When i was induced last time i had to tell him about all the different stages and why i wasn't very happy to be induced. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe he did read up on labour last time and maybe he has looked at homebirths and been unconvinced but I wont dismiss the idea of a homebirth based soley on what happened last time.

Does your hospital do a homebirth info session? We went to one of these, and I think it really helped us both to hear all the facts etc from medical professionals rather than just a website.

I had a bad first birth, and I think DH was v nervous about our 2nd as a result. But hearing about what the risks actually are and how they manage them really helped, as if there is an issue they either deal with it in the same way at home or transfer you in. They do really know what they are doing. He came round to the idea when he understood why it would be much better for me (and it was).

My DH was not quite as anti-home birth as your DP because we hadn't had the scary experiences that you've both had, but he was definitely more wary because of the 'what if' scenario. However, by speaking to a couple who had 2 hb's and reals

My DH was not quite as anti-home birth as your DP because we hadn't had the scary experiences that you've both had, but he was definitely more wary because of the 'what if' scenario. However, by speaking to a couple who had 2 hb's and realising that if things do go wrong (although rare) the MWs are prepared for it & he's far more willing, & we're going to an info session too.

Could your DP come to your next MW appt & you discuss it more? Hb are considered safer for low-risk 2nd time mums.

Finally, I'm only 17wks & so appreciate that lots of things could change my plans entirely. Perhaps you could discuss it with your DP as an ideal plan but accept that situations might arise where a hospital birth is a given (i.e pre-term delivery)?

Good luck. Sorry about the double post. Stupid fone!!!

Does your hospital have a MLU on-site? Ours does and to me that seems like an ideal solution; giving birth in a somewhat less clinical environment with the knowledge that all the medical tech in the world is just downstairs if required :)

No Herrena unfortunately there are 2 hospitals that are quite close to where we live (about 20 minutes) and they are both CLU maternity units.

Apparently one of the hospitals has a very good homebirth team though and they run monthly sessions where you can get information and meet other couples who have had a homebirth so i think i'll try and get us booked into something like that and hopefully that will start DP in the right direction.

www.homebirth.org.uk/blokesven.htm

Show him this. I've found it very effective.

Right haven't read everything but my biggest regret was not having a home birth for my second although did manage to stay at home until last 50mins. The contrast between this birth and my first was immense. The first was long gruelling anxious and ended with ds in an incubator. My DDs was so chilled and dare I say it enjoyable. Because we had such a long labour the first time we resolved to stay home as long as possible the second time round. We had a tens machine. I watched tv pottered about my house and they lay crouched in a fetal position on my bed when things went up a notch with my dh rubbing my back. So I would have contractions followed by waves of calm chilled feeling. Had we not moved to go to hospital dd would have been born at home. Go for it. If things go wrong your midwife will have plenty of time to suggest going to hospital. As long as your prepared to listen to the expert youll be fine. IMHO

Tell him there is no such thing as a planned homebirth.

You will simply stay at home, call the midwife out to support you when things get tough and transfer in when you are either ready, or need to be near medical equipment, which has a small possibility if being never.

I was in a similar situation. We had a horrible first birth, very medicalised, lots of intervention (though I do realise that this was done because it was necessary and that I'm lucky to have the medical support). I wanted a homebirth second time round, and DH reacted a bit like yours is doing now. After a while, I sat down with him, and asked why he didn't seem to take my wishes for a HB seriously. Turns out it was sheer panic- He was just so scared things would go wrong again, and he didn't feel like he was confident enough to enjoy the experience at home, but he knew it was my decision and he was torn. I thought about it a lot- He had actually fainted when things went wrong with the first birth, and what with having a new baby I had never given time to think what it was like for him.
I thought a lot about how it was for him, and balanced with what I wanted, and we decided, together, to go to hospital. It was completely the right decision for us, and my second child was born without intervention, and without the panic for my husband. He felt able to support me in labour, and I think if no3 ever came along, he would consider a home birth.

I had similar situation: not a great London hospital experience, (birth easy and quick, care appalling) and looking back quite traumatised by it. To my surprise, decided I wanted a home birth for DC2. And my husband, who is usually the most supportive agreeable person, totally dug his heels in. Like another poster said, mainly due to fear, scared 'what if something happens, and we're not at hospital'.

I gave him lots of literature and stats, and got a friend who'd had 2 home births to come - with her husband - and talk to him about it. That really put his mind at rest, and we had a fabulous home birth with DC2, lovely midwives, and I felt really high and ecstatic about the whole thing, rather than traumatised and weepy.

I am now 36 + 4 weeks with DC3, and just come back from my midwives appt with my home birth pack, so hoping to get to 37 weeks so I can do it again. As someone posted earlier, if there are any 'home birth' talks by your community midwives, then definitely take him along there, so he can see it's not all whale songs and incense - there are lots of different people who make this choice for many different reasons.

Hope you have a much more positive experience this time, wherever you end up. Good luck!

Reading this with interest, I like the idea of a homebirth, but currently on my list of cons are 1. no room for a pool and 2. having to talk DH round to the idea.

I have an appointment with my midwife next week so I am going to ask for her thoughts.

It's a tricky one as part of me just thinks, I'm the one who has to do it, my feelings should take priority, but at the same time it's his child that I'm carrying and writing off his feelings as irrelevant is of no help, he may not have done the work last time but he witnessed it and it has definitely had a big impact on him.

one thing to remember if you're hoping for a homebirth that i mentioned to my partner when he raised concerns was that IF you need to go into a theatre for an emergency c section it usually takes them 45mins to even prep a theatre sometimes more so if you're say within half an hour of a hospital the chances are you'll have plenty of time to go to hospital. also explain clearly to your partner that if the midwife or doctors express concerns that either the baby is too big for homebirth or you have pre eclampsia or something that means theres a risk involved then of course you wouldn't put your baby at risk just to have a home birth.

i'm 40 weeks and awaiting labour for a hopefully home birth but obviously if i get to 42 weeks and they have to induce me then i'll have to go to hospital although i would like to avoid induction at all costs also.