Help me convince DH on home birth

[raininginbaltimore]

I wanted a hb with ds, but dh was dead against it, as was family etc. I didn't push it, but had a horrid birth in hospital with ds (long, ventouse, forceps, syntocin the works!)

I was planning on going to MLU this time, but after reading another hb thread I have decided that I think I want a hb. I really want a pool, and there is only one at MLU. Baby is due on August, so a busy time too!

There is a hb inof evening on weds night that I want to take him to (there is only one a month). I need to work on him tonight! His main concern is mess and upsetting out ds. SO I am going to try and sell him the advantages!

So far I have:

• Can have own food/TV/radio
• No having to snooze in uncomfy hospital chairs- he can go and have a nap in our bed if he wants!
• There will be limited mess, the MWs will bring some pads and we will have plastic down.
• ds will either sleep through or friend has offered to have him over for a sleepover.

Can you think of anything else? I reckon if I can get him to the evening I can clinch it!

Do you need to convince anyone else on your birth? You're mama you've got the say, you know what most comfortable for you and rightly so you should be as comfortable as you can get during child birth. Tell him it's what you feel comfortable with and you are not going to the hospital because he is concerned about 'mess'.

Hmmm I had a hb but I disagree with you a bit Romy Obviously I was the one giving birth but I would never have written dh out of the experience by declaring it simply my birth. It was our moment to share and we both needed to feel comfortable with it. However, mess is not a good enough reason to write off a hb. (I may have just contradicted myself there)

OP my dh had some initial reservations, all to do with safety though - not mess and I had a midwife come to the house to talk to us both about it. We also talked to a couple (friends) who had had a hb. He found it very useful talking to another dad and the fact that he had felt more useful and involved in his own home than in the hospital.

Good luck.

His main concerns are mess and upsetting DS?

I had a home birth for DD2. It was brilliant for DD2. I put her to bed that night (having niggly contractions) laboured over night and she met her sister when she woke up in the morning. She woke a couple of times in the night (I was loud ) but it was DH who went up, reassured her and she went back to sleep. No being packed off to friends or relatives. No 'losing' her mummy and having to go and visit her in a hospital. It was amazing. If I had laboured in the day it would have meant she could just be taken on play dates, collected if she had had enough, etc. I had a doula and the plan was that, if needed, DH could spend time with DD1 while she stayed with me.

Mess - unlikely. You are briefed on things to buy (cheap shower curtains or ground sheets mostly!) and the midwives are great at cleaning up what mess there is. I gave birth in the pool and that contained all the mess. DD2 was born at 6.30. By 11.30 everything was tidied away, including DH having made a quick trip to the dump to get rid of a couple of black bin liners of stuff (we hadn't spent all that time tidying!).

I think perhaps DH was a bit reluctant at first to have a homebirth, but my hideous experience in hospital first time (rather similar sounding to yours) turned things around for him and he was fully behind a home birth. If we ever have a third, I am not setting foot in a hospital unless I become high risk.

I can see the appeal of an MLU, but for me they don't offer any benefits over and above being at home (as a second time mother, the safety stats are totally on your side for a home birth) and you lose a lot of the advantages. The big ones for me being eating and drinking your own food, your own bed if either of you need to rest, and the total clincher for me, the benefits for the older child/children.

Are you a Counting Crows fan BTW, or is the name a different reference?

Counting crows reference :)

Thanks. I will chat to him tonight. I will tell him if necessary, but would be so much easier if he is on side.

In fairness to him after ds' birth the room did resemble a scene from alien!

My DH had reservations when I said I wanted a homebirth with DC2 but these were mostly about safety.

I did lots of research on the internet and got him to read things I discovered, then he took time off to meet with the midwife at our 36 week home birth visit and she answered all of his questions putting his mind at rest.

For your DP it's worth him considering that:

• It's highly unlikely that there will be any mess at all, you will have covered your carpet and the midwife will have lots of those thin pads that absorb everything, plus if you do use a pool it will all be in there.

• DS won't be nearly as disrupted as he would be if you had to go in to hospital. My parents were staying with us for the week around DC2's due date and took DD1 off to a friends to stay overnight. I'm certain she would have slept through but to be honest I would have been inhibited by having my parents around so was happy for them all to vacate. DD1 arrived home early next morning after an exciting adventure with grandma and grandad to meet her new sister and was able to come straight in to our bedroom and climb into bed with us. She didn't have to wait for visiting hours or worry about where mummy had gone.

I know that my DH is now a total convert to homebirth. He found he felt more involved and much more relaxed than during DD1s hospital birth. He hoovered before the midwife arrived!, made the cups of tea, chatted to the midwife, brought me cushions, fetched things from the 'birth box' we had gathered, snacked when he wanted, nipped to the loo with no fear of missing anything and generally made himself very useful. We didn't have a pool but he would have filled it if we'd had one.

For DPs I really think homebirth is a much more inclusive experience, my DH said toward the end with DD1's hospital birth when all the midwives rushed in to the room (emergency button was pressed but only coz I felt faint not a major emergency or anything) he felt on the sidelines and not in control. I think he was probably quite frightened.

Watching what happened during your DSs birth was probably very hard and frightening for your DP and maybe he felt a bit traumatised by it all, seeing you going through it and not being able to do anything. Homebirth would give him a completely different experience too. He may be emphasising worry about mess and DS rather than saying what he's really most worried about??

Maybe if you encourage him to go to the evening on wed just as a 'finding out' thing - attending doesn't mean it's definite - then he might be more willing and as you say it's likely he'll feel more able to support your preference after it.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

Ok, we have had a chat. Turns out safety was main concern, which he was concealing with mess issues. I asked him about hb evening, and he said "If that is what you want, then ok, I'll support you" He says he is happy to have it at home. I also added, not having to pay parking fees to the mix!

Just off to find a birth pool now!

Ok, so it was safety.

Have you seen the recent place of birth study? They will probably talk about it at the HB evening, but the summary is that being near technology for your whole labour does not improve outcomes (put bluntly, it doesn't stop babies dying or suffering serious complications). Having that stuff available saves lives. But simply being in the hospital doesn't. The theory for why this is is that (i) you get genuine one to one care at home, so things get picked up early (ii) proximity encourages a more 'wait and see' approach -or if you want to be less charitable it encourages complacency. Most 'sudden' hospital problems would have been picked up earlier and a transfer arranged in a home birth.

As a second time mother, your baby is just as safe being born at home as in a CLU. You, on the other hand, are safer as having a homebirth reduces the risk of interventions like forceps which can be detrimental to your long term health (this includes those who transfer in, so it's not just a case of the stats being skewed by them not being used at home).

Also, get them to talk your DH through just how much kit they bring to a homebirth. It's practically a mobile hospital!

On the birth pool, I had birth pool in a box. Feel free to start another thread or add to this one if you want to chat about the various options. I luuurrrved my pool.

Glad you've managed to get to the crux of the issue. I was going to say that talking to other Dads that have experienced their DC's hb would help.

I'm expecting DC#2 in November and started thinking about a hb when the suggestion was raised by the MW. I think I want a bit more control - there wasn't that much medical intervention with my DD but I really wanted to move around etc but didn't get a chance to.

However, DH was reticent until he spoke to his Mum's friend & her husband, about their children's hbs. DH came home from that (brief) chat saying 'go for it'!! I think it was the fact that they're 1st DC was actually a transfer to hospital due to mueconium issues and now DH feels it is possible to both labour/birth safely at home, & get to hospital in an urgent situation.

Just got to start thinking about the pool etc now too!!! :)

A.good article for dads is "7 secrets of a home birth dad" - Google it.

Is he someone convinced by hard facts and figures? If so you could show him the recent Birthplace study conducted by Oxford Unviversity which looked at over 64000 births and concluded that for 2nd and subsequent babies homebirth was as safe, if not safer for the baby and much safer for the mother as it decreases the risk of intervention by over 30%. See here www.npeu.ox.ac.uk/birthplace/results

You could also ask him to come along to a local homebirth support group see homebirth.org.uk