Your practical advice for a more positive 2nd birth

[luckysocks]

My first birth was not good and I was in a bit of a mess at the beginning of this pregnancy about doing it again.

Somewhere along the way I seem to have managed to move on in some way; I don't obsess about DS's birth anymore and there's a little part of me which actually feels quite positive as I approach my due date. Having said that, the closer it gets to my due date, the less calm I feel

I've been using the Natal Hypnotherapy CDs and found the pregnancy CD useful. Since switching to the Birth Preparation CD it's not going particularly well, 40 minutes is a long time and I struggle to fit it in, and when I do I usually find myself getting all prickly and annoyed, it's a bit odd! I'm hoping there are still some things I'll be able to take from it but I don't think I have the patience to persevere for much longer (it's been over a month already).

I'm wondering if anyone has any other suggestions - whether you had a better birth second time around and can give me any advice, or what you wish you'd known/done the first time around.

TIA :)

I had a great experience with #1 and a tough, tough time with #2. I had similar concerns when I was expecting #3 but it was fine. I never did any of that birth preparation stuff after my first to be honest. Throw out all the books and CDs that tell you how to do this pregnancy and parenting stuff - you know what you're doing. Best thing you can do is just focus on a picture in your head of you sitting up in bed wearing a freshly pressed linen nightie with some lippy on holding your little bundle of joy. Also listen to a lot of beautiful music, whatever floats your boat and relaxes you. It will stay with you in that little radio in your head on the day. Good luck.

I had a doula and a home birth the 2nd time round and the birth was amazing, I had the same doula for DD3 and even though we had to transfer in (mec. in the waters) the birth was still really good.

I found looking at what might happen and then thinking through what I might prefer (if given a choice!) helped too. E.g. ventouse or forceps, spinal or GA for c-section, tear or have episiotomy, physiological or managed 3rd stage, etc.

I went through everything and looked at pros & cons so that I was informed (I just went with what any HCP told me with DD1 with the exception of no episiotomy so hadn't got a clue) so that if X, Y or Z happened I (and DH!) had an idea of what might be a good thing or what might be necessary.

Probably not everyone's cup of tea though!

I can relate - I had a horrible first birth and was dreading the second one. Finally went to see the GP and 'fess up how the whole pregnancy had been awful with just worrying about the birth. Turns out pre-natal depression is just as common ! And having talked it through, the second time around (elective c-section) was fantastically relaxed and a completely different thing to the first time (induced, foreceps, third degree tear). I didn't have a birth plan either time (the only plan was to give birth - I don't really think the details are worth worrying about but I may be in the minority here).

The only I can suggest is that every birth is different so the second time around will be different. Yes, I guess it could be worse in some sense, but you got through it the first time and here you are, pregnant again, so you survived it and you'll survive it again. The second time around I was just so much more relaxed as you know the crappy first 3 months don't last forever and playing suduko/facebook on your phone in costa coffee for 2 hours a day while you (breast)feed your baby isn't a waste of time. It's being a mum.

Good luck !

Thanks for your replies :)

threerogues It's a really good idea to focus on actually having my baby in my arms. This pg has gone so quickly I can hardly believe I'm having another child, despite being 38 weeks pg with a belly the size of a house and a mind of it's own! Thinking about why I'm actually doing all this does make me feel calmer.

Truthsweet I definitely took your approach this time and did as much research as I could... my head is so full of pros and cons I'm not sure whether it will help or confuse me I know I feel more informed than I did last time, and so hopefully will be less overwhelmed by the hospital staff and more a part of the decision making.

didireallysaythat wise words... it's true, I survived and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if that's what I had to do to keep DS. I need to keep that in my head, too!

I started from my 'ideal' birth and worked out from there (e.g. for me ideal would be home birth with low lighting, upright during birth, no intervention/episiotomy, skin to skin straight away and bfing, physiological 3rd stage).

If my ideal wasn't possible due to medical complications what would be my preferred options (e.g. c-section under GA [I have my reasons], if instrumental ventouse over forceps, if managed then cord traction, etc, etc) I was how ever totally willing to throw these out the window if all hell broke lose.

I even managed to keep my birth plan (aka crib sheet for DH) to under 1 1/2 sides .

Whatever happens have a great birth.

I refused continuous monitoring

I used tens machine, gas & air and sat on a birthing ball

I just withdrew into myself to cope and blocked everything else out.

I think having survived %231 is in itself good prep for %232! You know what you have been through and you made it and have recovered. I had a long posterior labour with %231 and was very sick - I waited a long time to ask for pain relief and became dehydrated, exhausted etc which led to drip, epidural, failure to labour, and a ventouse delivery with threat of cs if I had not pushed her out in 30 mins.

Next time round I read up on process of labour more. I read about water birth. I was a lot more mobile (walking every day with dc1). I read up on optimum fetal positioning.

I also knew that if I had another posterior positioned baby and it was agony that I was not going to exhaust myself by trying to get through it but was going to try all the pain relief going until the baby had turned.

In the end %232 and %233 were both much easier births and I had water births for both. I can't say they were easy and pain free because they weren't! But they were bearable, faster and I felt more in tune with the process.

This time round you will have a better idea of what to expect and will also know what works for you. But don't be surprised if there are new things that catch you out. I had false labours with both %232 and %233. Absolutely convinced I was in labour both times only to be sent home from hospital when contractions stopped! Both times about a week before the actual birth date. So you never really know what is going to happen!

I haven't had 233 babies not sure why phone has converted my hash symbol into % and random numbers!

various friends have loved the mp3s + online hypnobirthing course on hypnobirthingdownloads - it made a huge difference to their approach and mindset about birth + they had easy labour. One who needed some help used the downloads to stay calm + felt really positive about the birth too. Definitely worth getting!

Have you looked at your notes from your last labour to find out what actually happened with DC1? I ask as things got a bit complicated in the last few minutes of my DC1's birth (crash button being pushed, lots of people suddenly in the room, some of whom had grey hair which made me realise they must be pretty senior) but it was only when I became pregnant with DC2 that I realised I'd been too busy desperately praying/wishing that DC1 would be OK that I didn't actually know what had happened. I mentioned this to my MW when I was about 24 or 28 weeks and she suggested that I have a meeting with the "birth reflections counsellor" at our local hospital to discuss what happened. They lost my notes until yesterday (I'm due today) but the counsellor did call me yesterday and told me what had happened & why & I'm feeling much calmer today about impending labour. I think it helped to find out that none of it was my fault, it was bad luck that when things began to go a bit wrong with DC1 there were things going much more badly wrong with other women in labour so they took priority over me in going into theatre (explains why I was wheeled to theatre and then shoved to one side whilst another woman was literally run into theatre), that its not uncommon to have variable deceleration of the heartbeat and that that was expected to get worse when they topped up the epidural in preparation for the episostomy/c-section, that they only had to take fairly simple steps to get her breathing & that the consultant paed was never worried about her. Knowing that it wasn't an ideal situation but was generally under control & not that uncommon has left me feeling much more reassured.

Hiya, congratulations! I think they key is STAY IN CONTROL.

My 1st labour was long and bloody awful (back to back - stopped contracting, baby got stuck, pushed for 2 hrs.. and just managed to get her out before being prepared for c section. But, stayed completely out of control and panicked and screamed all the way through.

My 2nd labour was long and still painful, but much, much easier. I took my own pillow from home with me, and when ever I got a contraction, I buried my head into it and gutterally (if that's a word!?) moaned into it, kind of controlling the breathing... and I stayed 'in control... until the last bit... but, that last bit wasn't as long as last time, about 20 mins of pushing. And she just, lollopped out! (if that's a word too!?? lol!) However, I did have the most awful after pains (the uterus contracting back down again) - and was in so much pain, I couldn't hold the baby! They only bloody gave me paracetamol, but barely touched it. it did get better, but I was panicking about it, as no-one warned me about after pains. (I then went on to have a uterus infection a day or two later, so that's probably why it hurt that much.)

My 3rd labour was long and still painful.... but was actually quite lovely!!! (Mad, I know!) But, I stayed in control the entire time..... even when pushing (2 pushes and he was out! - Pop!) The pain was still just as bad, but again, I sorted my breathing out. The gas and air really helped this time (didn't for the other 2 labours) - I took 2 huge gasps in of the gas, then 1 huge gasp of normal air.... then a break.... then did it again. It didn't take the pain away... it took me away from the pain, if that makes sense. It was a really beautiful experience. And I remember turning to my husband and re-assuring him that I was OK and in control and smiled at him. (Which I NEVER did with the other 2 labours!!!) I actually re-assured him!!! Lol!

Anyhoo.... I would love one more baby.... as I just love everything about being a mother... I loved being pregnant and loved the labours... all in their own individual way.

I just wanted to re-assure you - that everything will be fine. And, it is very different everytime. I did in fact start contractions at midnight - every time! But, the 'signs' (off things starting (waters/plug/pain etc)) were all different.

You mentioned about this pregnancy going fast..... Me and my husband were like that with our 2nd baby. And, were kind of in denial.. but, actually had a 'epiphany' at one of the NCT classes.. and we both realised what was happening, and how it would affect our lives and especially our 1st child. It was brilliant really. The NCT gave us the opportunity - away from home - to sit down together and 'talk' about baby and our expanding family. It was NCT for us, but just you and your other half spend some time together - and talk about it. Talk about your fears, the things you're excited about...etc.

Spend time with you first born... and enjoy them being the baby.... as when your newborn is here.. you do look at your first born 'differently'. They suddenly change... and look older and bigger... the oldest sister/brother. I can remember getting quite upset in the last few weeks, worrying about the effects on my first born. But, OMG..... I will never forget her - beaming - so happy, realising that that tiny baby, was HER baby sister!!!!! It was amazing, and I'm welling up now just typing about it. I was the same - when my two big girls met their baby brother last year. Amazing, and quite magical. And any fears, irrational feelings I had... just disappeared!

There - I've said it.... MAGICAL! As naff as it sounds - everytime, no matter how traumatic/long/painful the labours were... they were all magical. Our little ones entering our world... I would go through it all again - tomorrow.

Just 'stay in control'... and focus on the amazing/magical thing, that you are meeting your little baby - for the first time. Those tiny eyes, looking at you.... for the first time. Mummy and baby. Wonderful. xxxxxx Enjoy my love...xxxxxx

Hi am in same boat as you, 36 weeks now and was suspected breech but at scan today baby is head down.

I am going for homebirth but with an open mind. I am very physiologically low risk and a second-timer and within a 5 min transfer to a major teaching hospital with all the specialist equipment and resources you could shake a stick at so once I investigated and threw elcs out the window it has been pretty much an easy choice to make. I get freaked out in hospitals so I am hoping this will work well for us. I won't go against hospital advice if my risk level changes though I have written a birth plan for cs and induction to cover every eventuality.

We did hypnobirthing as a couple with two local community midwives at home in our own home, £187 for four classes with a discount, sort of happened by luck as the other couples pulled out. It has really helped to have this, much better than cd last time. I know it sounds like a lot of money but the difference in my stress levels has been immense. Could you try a one-off session with your husband with a hypnotherapist with experience/knowledge of the kind of techniques you've been learning to troubleshoot? I find the time that dh and I spend doing our hypnobirthing practice is really helping us prepare mentally for this baby, we have only been doing it 4 weeks and sometimes it works better than others.. but I am hopeful that whatever comes our way we can use these strategies..

I've had two positive birth experiences (2nd a homebirth) and for me what helped was:

Read Ju Ju Sundin 'Birth Skills' - lots of very practical advice about how to stay focused, I found advice about using your voice especially good and 'haaaa'ed' my way through each contraction once in active labour, getting louder and LOUDER toward the end - helped me stay in control

Drank gallons of raspberry leaf tea in last 3-4 weeks before due date, old wives say it helps make contractions more effective, seemed to work for me

Used TENS machine - turned up as high as it would go toward the end!

Stayed upright as much as possible gravity really helped me

Very best wishes for everything :)

It's so encouraging to read other people's stories. Vickles your post even made me a little teary, it's a lovely post and I relate to a lot of what you've said.

Moonhare thanks for the book recommendation, I'm seriously considering buying that. Worried I'll run out of time though as having looked on Amazon it seems very 'texty' - lots of writing to explain a simple idea! I already like the idea of the stress balls, though :)

thunkshead good luck with your homebirth, I hope it goes really well for you. In the end I decided it's not for me but if hospitals aren't your thing, I know of a few people who have had wonderful experiences at home.

Murtette yes, I did have a de-brief, although it didn't really help in my case as many of the things which caused the problems are quite subjective (the shitty attitude of the anaesthetist, for example - a number of staff apologised after the birth for this but it's not the sort of thing which shows up in the notes). It answered a couple of questions but didn't really do anything to reassure me or 'justify' how awful I found it.

Sam I was properly impressed until your second post :)

Don't worry luckysocks the book is really easy to read, lots of it is stories from women who gave birth and used the techniques so you can choose how many, if any of those to read, which cuts it down. It isn't overly wordy at all but she takes the opportunity to repeat lots of the ideas more than once - so that it goes in! Again this adds to the length but not to the complexity. Buy it you won't regret it.

Best wishes!

I find reading Ina may Gaskin's guide to childbirth, with the birth stories at the start, makes me feel positive

Look up Ina May Gaskin. wether you choose to buy her book, spiritual midwifery, or not (I can't reccomend it highly enough) what she has to say on the subject will fill you with utter beautiful confidence about the birthing process and your ability to do it.
www.inamay.com/biography
www.amazon.co.uk/Spiritual-Midwifery-Ina-May-Gaskin/dp/1570671044
You won't get if for £3 I'm afraid as people don't seem to want to part with it after thay have had their baby, (i certainly haven't and won't.) but I would hope that would help you to recognise its true worth.
To give you fair warning she is a bit of a hippy and she beleives in god but she is also well respected within the medical community.

OP, you sound just like me when pregnant with DC2 - horrible first birth, high anxiety re childbirth from the moment I found out I was pregnant, used hypnotherapy CDs, etc.

I thought I had it all under control. I was going to give birth standing up and moving about, I would refuse epidural and episiotomy.

Then, consultant said "Oh you have about 50% chance of another episiotomy this time because you had one last time and that scar will not stretch as much" and I broke down completely. I pushed for an elective CS from that moment on, cried buckets to the maternity psychologist, and got my elCS. It was the best decision I have ever made.

By the way, I also read Ina May Gaskin's book at that time and found it incredibly unrealistic and annoying. Childbirth is oh so pleasurable, if only you relax. Yeah, right

Moonhare I downloaded it earlier and you're right... I'm finding it really interesting. I've taken quite a lot from the natal hypnotherapy stuff (I've read the book which goes with that, too...) but the whole get-into-the-zone, rely on your instincts and thousands of years of evolution perspective worries me slightly, because I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm not sure I'll be able to zone out to that extent. So it's useful to have a perspective which actually tells you to use your conscious mind to manage the pain.

coteDAzur sorry you had a crap 1st birth too, I'm so glad you found the right choice for no2. No illusions here about pain relief, my birth plan is short but is very clear about what I do not consent to, and I'm very clear in my opinions on pain relief. I'm not determined to do this naturally if I feel I'm getting out of control. BUT... there's some stubborn part of me which simply doesn't feel that an ELCS is right for me and that I want to try again. Even though I'm scared. Can't really explain it

Vickles that's beautiful, I am going to start a birth positivity book and that's going in

Luckysocks - exactly! That's what appealed to me so much about Ju Ju's approach. No need to suspend disbelief - birth is hard and there's pain but you CAN do it and here are some techniques that will really help. Practical but still a bit spiritual too, it struck the right balance for me.

I've loaned my copy out to all my friends, who've mostly been having their second and all have said they felt much more in control having read it.

Hope you get the experience you want this time around x

Thanks Alice...x (Oooooh, I Love talking about child labour!!!!)

Exactly the same for me, I had a horrendous first labour with DS. Long, painful 37 hour labour, epidural, pushing for almost 3 hours then he got stuck. Took me 18 months before I was ready to get pregnant again as I was so scared. Totally different with DD who is now 18 weeks. Labour was 5 hours in total from having show, got to hospital at 11 and she was born 2 hours later, no time for any pain relief!! It was an amazing experience. When I was pregnant this time I read a book called 'childbirth without fear' and it really helped me. Good luck!!

Lovely post by Vickles!
Just wanted to add some info that I have picked up. I am 36 wks pregnant with ds2 and have just attended my second natal hypnotherapy course.
My first labour did not go as I had hoped and I desperately want to avoid intervention this time round. I am hoping that I now have the skills to cope and stay in control which seems to be the key.
The fundamental things I'll be doing are using the 3,2,1 relax mantra, breathing through contractions, expecting them to last a minute with 15 seconds peak where I will concentrate on the out breath, as if blowing bubbles. I know I need to relax, drop my shoulders, let my body go limp - rather than tensing up like last time.
It has really helped me to get an understanding of the phases of labour, to know that after the self doubt phase things should ease of a little, it is not just going to get worse and worse. I need to recognise adrenaline blips and move around to control the situation.
I would really recommend watching Maggie Howells birth on You Tube, search 'natal hypnotherapy birth' (Alex's birth) to see her put the skills into practice. It has inspired me to make sure I use the CD at least 3 times a week and I am going to listen every night from 38 wks, mostly on an ipod before going to sleep. I am so keen to make this work and have a different experience this time. I am not brave enough to try a homebirth but I am using the MLU and plan to create my own nest when I get there. Good luck.