Terrified of giving birth, feeling physically incapable

[raininginbaltimore]

I don't want to drip feed so will try to be brief: 25 weeks with dc2. Have Bipolar disorder, off meds. Ds birth was traumatic for me (prob not compared to others) 2 days, back to back, failure to progress, syntocin, dropped heart rate, failed ventouse, episiotomy (that I didn't know about until next day), forceps. We were both fine. I was also left for hours on my own during birth as midwives were over run (they closed the ward it was so busy). I can't face going back to that hospital. Have planned MLU for this birth.

I realise that some of this might be related to my mental state, but I am terrified of givig birth. I had a panic attack today. I am possible not in a great place at the moment mentally anyway, mind racing, paranoid thoughts. But if I take medication or receive psych treatment I can't go there. I feel like I physically can't go to hospital. Actually I feel like I physically can't gtive birth. I can't explain the panic I feel, I feel like I will die. I realise that sounds mental. I know it isn't rational.

Don't have time to write a long reply, but can I recommend hynobirthing? It is amazing! Childbirth is what your body was designed for, you just need to believe in it's ability. (sorry if that sounds a bit dippy hippy!) I learnt breathing methods and stuff to keep me calm and in control, it really did help even though I wasn't all that convinced prior to DS's birth.

Your fears don't sound mental by the way.

I have a book, but can't afford the courses at £250+. Will see if I can dig out the CD. Thanks.

Your first experience sounds horrific!

Did you get any counselling or could you look into getting some now?

MLU sounds like a good idea, make the experience as different as possible.

Would you consider an ELCS? I had one with ds3 and found it to be very calm and although I was very sore afterwards, there was good pain relief and being confined to bed enabled me to really bond with ds3

Hope someone comes along with more experience than me, but I really feel for you.

I would consider an ELCS, but I don't think I would be allowed one as there is no medical reason. No counselling, although I might chase it with midwife. I have an appointment with mental health midwife soon so might talk to her about it.

I felt like this with dd2, dd1 was induced, back to back, epidural, very medicalised birth ended up with infection post natally, then had pnd with panic attacks and health anxiety. Booked with mlu for dd2, was determined not to end up in big hospital again, as was convinced something awful would go wrong. Dd2 was born 2 days late with a very quick labour and birth and no drugs needed (I still had my jumper on and midwives only had time to put gloves and apron on and not change into scrubs) as dd2 was born very quickly and now I would do it again in a heart beat.

What do you mean "no medical reason"?

From what you've said - your mental health team alone could recommend one, then the "extra" reasons are:

failure to progress
decelerations
failed ventouse
forceps

You don't have to give birth vaginally if you do not want to - and psychological reasons are as valid as physiological ones.

Gather your thoughts on paper, perhaps talk to your psych team, check out the information from RCOG and then decide your plan of action and tell/explain to your consultant how it's going to be.

I would have thought that any risk to your mental health at all would put them on very ethically shaky ground indeed - so for them to insist you birth vaginally would probably go against the very nature of medicine itself!

raininginbaltimore, I want to reassure you about a few things and to try and help you feel a lot more 'normal' about what you have experienced and how you feel right now. Stop beating yourself up about this.

Fear is by its very nature isn't a very rational thing, however its often based on a past bad experience and wanting to avoid repeating that so whilst its not always rational it is explainable. You don't need to try and explain why your reaction isn't what you think it should be, nor justify your panic attacks. You ARE reacting in a normal way.

What you consider to be traumatic is like beauty; purely in the eye of the beholder and not based on what other people tell you or value. If your first birth was traumatic to you, then it was a traumatic birth. It does not matter how it compares to anyone else's experiences or whether they think it was traumatic. You don't have to justify yourself.

Birth trauma is a lot more common than people give credit for. It should be given a much greater respect, and be accepted on the same level of acceptability as other mental health issues like depression.

The thing is you need to work out how you are going to deal with your fears, and to do that, a good starting point would be to write down the things that are bothering you and worrying you the most point by point and work things out from there. Approach it like eating an elephant. One bite at a time.

Is it being left on your own? Is it coping with pain? Is it feeling out of control? Is it a lack of trust in the staff in the hospital you were at previously? Is it the atmosphere and culture of the hospital? Etc etc.

I would consider an ELCS, but I don't think I would be allowed one as there is no medical reason.
Contrary to popular belief mental health reasons do count as medical reasons, but whether you would be allowed one on those grounds would be down more to hospital policy in your area and the consultant you have. Not everyone and everywhere is enlightened as they should be. If you do feel its the right option for you, you might need to be prepared for a battle to get one which you should be aware of as it might effect how you feel about it. You may get a sympathetic consultant willing to fight your corner but sadly at this moment in time there is no guarentees of that.

From what you've said, since you haven't ruled out a VB and have opted for a MLU, I'm not convinced that an ELCS would be the best course of action in your case. It might be, but only you can make that decision. Other options may be for you. There is no 'right answer' just a right answer for you. Its such a personal decision; don't be swayed by what others think if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

You need to find out what all your options are and if you are able to get more mental health support along the way. If you have a mental health midwife appointment you are on the right track by the sound of it. That doesn't certainly does not necessarily mean medication nor psych treatment. It sounds like you might benefit from support and reassurance generally rather than that.

How much do you have from friends and family? I'm making the assumption here that if you can't afford a course, you wouldn't be able to afford a doula which would be the option I would normally suggest.

Raging, you'll get replies as you have from posters who've experienced either fear of birth, full blown tokophobia, panic attacks, PND etc. and want to help. What they're overlooking a little, but you shouldn't, is that you also have a serious pre-existing mental health condition. That needs to be taken into account in deciding what's going to best help you. What worked for others - whether it's hypnobirthing, going to an MLU, counselling for birth fears, using a doula, having an ELCS or whatever - may not work for you. It may not be enough is what I'm really saying.

I may be misunderstanding you, but it sounds to me as if you want to avoid psychiatric treatment or medication as that would risk you out of the MLU. Is that right? Is that why you are off the bipolar meds or did your psychiatrist support you stopping them on the basis that you didn't need them anymore? I ask because you seem to have your own suspicions that your bipolar is playing a part in how you're feeling right now. Yet you're not receiving any treatment for it. It seems to me that (perfectly understandably!) you've focused too much on avoiding one risk - ending up in the same hospital - while overlooking others - like the consequences of leaving your bipolar disorder untreated. You need a more comprehensive plan than that. One that covers crucial things like your postnatal care too. The mental health midwife may be helpful, or counselling, but they may have little or no experience with bipolar and how it might interact with your birth fears. What you really need is a mental health team who have experience with both. The psychiatrist under whose care you were for bipolar should be involved in helping and supporting you with these decisions, whether you want to take medication or not. Please don't be on your own with this.

Remember that you almost certainly have more options that you can see right now and you have plenty of time to sort out a plan you're happy with. It's hard to think laterally when you're feeling panicky. For example, if your mental health team recommended that it would be best for your mental health for you to attend the MLU perhaps that would be agreed to? Or, if you were risked out of the MLU perhaps there's another hospital you could attend instead? As far as ELCS goes by the way you do have a medical reason - mental health reasons are medical reasons.

Hi, I agree. I think you need to be cautious about the high risk to your mental health here, as bpd that's untreated can have serious consequences postnatally as I guess you prob know. Have you had support or services from a perinatal mh team?

keithlemon, it's great that hypnobirthing worked for you, but please stop adding to the chorus of our bodies being designed for childbirth. They weren't designed at all and certainly not for any purpose. There is a crucial difference between being designed and having evolved and I'm not nitpicking - the difference really does matter. Belief in the concept of purposeful design is no different to belief in intelligent design. It causes huge emotional harm to women who believe in it and then find that their particular body 'failed' to accomplish the purpose for which it was designed. It reduces their bodies to malfunctioning purposeless pieces of shoddy design. I won't comment on this again as don't want to derail Raging's thread but please reconsider at least your language if not your beliefs.

sorry you're anxious.your equal presentation is the BPD, and pg. and your psychiatrist and pscych mw can liaise with the antenatal team, involve you in decision making and process

you have legitimate medical reasons for ecs should you chose that.

i would recommend you liaise and meet to discuss robust,regular post natal support, and discuss your meds regime

i wish you all the best and please do be kind to yourself

Thanks. Yes I do think my BP is playing a part. I came off meds with support from my psych, I still see him regularly. I have a consultant because of my BP (although I've only seen the registrars so far). I don't have a MH team, best they can offer is MH midwife.

Part of my reluctance to seek help for my mood/medication is because then I am unable to use mlu. Although that isn't only reason for avoiding medication is more than that. There are risks involved.

I will talk it through with consultant.

Poor you - I really feel for you. It's hard enough for any woman, let alone with BP, and let alone with the horrible experience you had last time. I too would recommend hypnobirthing, if only for the positive view it promotes. I have no great advice to give, but I wish you all the luck in the world, hang in there, seems like ages left, but it will pass and all will be ok:) There are so many lovely ladies on here who will support you. YOu are not alone xx

I am terrified of giving birth for different reasons...a tailbone that broke during first vaginal birth and spd caused as a result ...so this time i am having an elective c section ...i wont have to do any of the work ...im terrified of having permanent damage to my bones round the pelvic area...only the recovery after might take longer...

Hi. Sorry you're feeling this way. It's rubbish. I was having panick attack in the run up to my daughter's birth. I wasn't overly nervous about a normal delivery but I have a phobia about surgery, and was petrified of needing a c-section. I couldn't sleep, I was upset all the time, my appetite was affected. It was miserable. Being a control freak, I needed to take control of the situation rather than be at the mercy of it. So after some research and a recommendation from a friend, I signed up for hypnobirthing - like lots of others here.

It worked fantastically for me. The exercises in the lead up to the birth had me in a very calm relaxed frame of mind in general (not like me at all), and when it actually came to the big day, I stayed very calm throughout and really feel it made my birth easy, short and intervention free. The midwife was shocked when she heard afterwards I had anxiety problems. I was so calm, they didn't even realise my daughter was on her way out until about 30 seconds before she was born!!

The courses are expensive which rules out a lot of people - but if you can possibly beg borrow or steal the money together, it will be so worth your state of mind from now til your birth. You get lots more out of the guidance of a teacher and support of a group. A big bonus with hypnobirthing is that it actually reduces the risk of the kinds of complications you had last time. Taking control yourself feels very empowering too!

If you can't manage the course, then I'm sure you'll still get benefits from studying the book and regularly using the relaxation CD.

Sorry for the big rambling message but thought you might relate to my story too. Lots of luck for the big day.

OP - sorry you are feelingl like this. Please speak to your mw or consultant as soon as you can.
I am pregnant with my 2nd DC and was SO scared when I first found out. I had what is (annoyingly) described as a "textbook" birth with DD yet suffered for 4 years with PTSD and depression. I saw a psychiatrist last week (referred by my lovely consultant) and it turns out I am tokiophobic (I have a fear of childbirth which I've always had). I didn't speak up about my fears enough with DD as I thought I was being silly and that no one would believe me. I wish to God I had.

Consultant and psychiatrist have agreed that I should have an elective CS and I have been referred to the perinatal mental health team for furthur input both before and after the birth.

I can't tell you how relieved I am. Mental health reasons are every bit as vaild as physical health reasons when deciding whether or not you can have a CS.

If your fears are as strong as you describe and you are having panic attacks don't let people fob you off and tell you that everyone is scared and that you will be fine. Thats what happened to me.

I wish you all the best but PLEASE speak to someone about your fears and don't be fobbed off.

I am booked in for an elcs in 5 weeks time at my local NHS hospital for maternal request due to a traumatic first birth 8 years ago. So they will listen to you on mental health grounds as long as you fight your case well and make sure they know you've done all the research.

Sorry that didn't make sense.. I meant for an elcs under maternal request. Damn pregnancy hormones!

Thought I would update. I have seen MH midwife. She has referred me to perinatal MH team and have arranged an appointment for me to debrief on ds' birth.

Have been doing natal hypnotherapy cds which have helped loads and have decided on home birth which I feel ten times better about.

Hey raininginbaltimore. Thats great to hear. Sounds like you are getting in control of the situation a bit and feel more relaxed.

Good luck!

OP haven't read all comments. Just wanted to say have you read Ina May Gaskins books on child birth? I was petrified of giving birth and this was the only thing which really helped calm and reassure me, I even made DH read it too. Tbh if your fear is as great as mine I wonder if MH apt like you have got will be very valuable for you. In my situ I ended up with a failed induction and emerg Csection. I have no real evidence to back this up with but I do think part of my induction failing was due to my body being so scared of labour and refusing to do it IYKWIM.

I know this is old but this is how I'm feeling I have the same mental health conditions as you and im petrified even tho this is my 5th child im paranoid something is going to go wrong..how did it go I the end ?

Hi OP. I had a traumatic first birth as well - somewhat similar to yours (ventouse, episiotomy). I’m convinced it caused me to have PPA, possibly some PTSD and it definitely terrified me wrt giving birth again.

My second child is now almost 3 weeks old and I just wanted to let you know that my second birth was a lovely, positive experience. It hurt - a lot! - but it was managed so much better (I had gas and air followed by pethidine in the end). When it was over I was absolutely elated and my first words were ‘that was amazing!’ and it really was! I’m shocked to be writing this as I was convinced it would be awful and had spoken to my OB about ELCS.

Best of luck OP. I doubt this post will stop you feeling afraid but it would have made me feel a bit better to have heard something similar so I thought it was worth posting.