Logistics of DC1-wrangling when it all kicks off with DC2 - what do we do?

[openerofjars]

I'm 36+1 today and trying to work out what happens when. I've planned to have a home birth, if all goes well, with birthing pool if possible.

DS (3yo) is going to get picked up by his grandma, who lives over an hour away. He is used to staying there and I'm going to do him an overnight bag when I organise my own hospital bag.

I suppose the main things I'm mulling over are the unanswerable "what ifs". Last time, I was in slow labour for a fortnight before DS arrived and we had a few false alarms before it started for real.

So, what if it's not really labour?

What if it's 3am and progresses really fast (I got to 6cm in 8 hours last time, so not at all fast, really, but the midwife keeps saying that second babies are faster) so that it's getting scary by the time DS gets collected?

What if DS sees me in pain and is really worried or scared, before his grandma gets here? Am I going to scar him for life?

What if I tell her to fuck off, or something similarly charming? I'm going to be on gas and air and it basically got me pissed and a bit lairy last time.

What if she picks him up and the MW arrives only to tell me that I'm not even the tiniest bit dilated?

What if she gets here and there are midwives and placentas and paramedics and blood all over the place and it's total mayhem over which I have no control whatsoever?

What if DH gets offended that he hasn't even had a mention yet even though he's the one who's actually any good in a crisis and doesn't run around flapping like a useless headless chicken but goes all calm and does the right thing?

Basically, I am shit scared and would appreciate advice, your experiences and possibly a soothing "there there"/cup of tea/someone else to give birth to this baby for me. Hayulp.

I haven't been there so not the best person to give advice. But it seems to me your two worries are

1. it's slower than you expect, so grandma arrives/DS1 gets picked up too early

2. it's faster than you expect, so grandma isn't there by the time you are getting to the interesting part.

I think for 1) the only solution is that DS1 may need to be at his grandma's longer than you would ideally like. (Pack him at least 2 nights' worth of stuff). DH can talk to him on the phone every so often to reassure him.

For 2) I really don't think he'll be scarred for life if he sees you in the late stages of labour. And your DH will be able to reassure him and explain it's all ok. I have heard of quite a few women who choose to have their older DCs present at their siblings' birth so it can't be too traumatising presumably...

If you are accidentally rude to grandma I am sure she will be very understanding once you explain it was the gas and air talking

I think minipie has given good advice.

Second time around is likely to be quicker but the upside is you'll be certain you're really in labour sooner.

I had my second at home too, difference was my parents were staying with us and took DD1 off to a friends house to stay over night at my say so. I had similar concerns to you - what if I don't give the nod at the right time??? But I did. I knew when the time had come and I'm sure you will too. As minipie has said if you're in doubt on the day err on the side of caution since it'll take your mum an hour to get to you, if DS is at grandma's a little longer than you'd hoped it won't matter. If it's any help I'm sure that my DD wouldn't have even woken when I gave birth to DD2 had she been in the house.

Hope all goes well :)

I have heard that it often starts at night in these situations, then the big brother wakes up in the morning to meet the new baby!

Thank you all, I think I am doing my usual thing of borrowing trouble and your calm answers have helped a lot. At least I now have a Moses basket and clean clothes for the baby, which is more than I did two days ago!

What will be, will be, eh? And if I swear at Grandma, she will forgive me for chocolate. But I shall try not to, well, not in front of the boy...

DH is genuinely good with crises as well, so feeling a lot better now he's home.

I have similar worries, ds is 3yo too and I'm 39+1, a friend is looking after ds and she's about half an hour away but I had v quick labour with ds (2.5hrs) and went from basically no contractions to v painful ones every 4-5mins.

Although i'm planning to go to birth centre i'm worried about having an unplanned homebirth if it is all too quick. I did a thread a couple of weeks ago about my concerns with ds and was recommended a toddler friendly book on homebirths - 'hello baby' by jenni overend. I got it and ds really likes it and is v excited at the bit where the baby is born, it explains about the midwife coming, mummy likely to scream, the baby being born, the placenta etc.

Good luck! I've been far more worried so far about timing/logistics with ds than labour...

I had similar worries when I had DS, now 18 months old. My parents were a good 3 1/2 hours drive away but they were the only people I really felt I could ask to look after DD overnight as she was quite mummy-centred and not at all keen on going to anyone else - so the pressure really was going to be on to make the 'right' call when the time came.

In the end we decided this was ridiculous and asked some nearby friends if they would be on standby to collect DC1 in an emergency. They said yes both so we had a backup plan.

Could you ask someone to take your DS if things get underway quicker than you expect - even if just to mind him until your mum/ partner can get there?

I really, really don't think your mum will hold it against you if she comes and you're not in established labour. Don't worry about that. Better to have her there for a false alarm than not have her there if it all kicks off. It's not universally true that second babies come quicker than first but it certainly was in my case. Also, if you had a complicated or induced birth first time around, be aware that it may be far less intense and painful this time round. Again, that was true in my case.

You will be totally fine - and if it comes to it for whatever reason, your son will probably just be completely gobsmacked by what's going on as opposed to horrified. A friend of a friend of mine had all 3 of her children present for (home) birth of the 4th, ranging in age from 2 to 6 years.

Just reread that, I hope you didn't take it as me suggesting you were ridiculous for relying on your mother , not what I meant at all. I just meant it felt ridiculous in our case because my mother is nearly 4 hours away from our house...

Hi, thanks for all replies. Not offended at all, and much fuller of meringues calmer about the whole thing now. Great advice on here, I love this place.

To be honest, if DS did walk in on me giving birth he'd probably just have a tiny hissy fit about wanting to watch Octonauts or demand a biscuit and then eventually go and play with his dinosaurs for a bit. He's good like that.

Glad to hear you are feeling better.