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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Ooops, what do I do about this therapist for birth trauma /antenatal mh issues who is really pushing me to have an ELCS

22 replies

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:27

... and says that home births are really wrong and for selfish women who want whale music instead of safe births...

now that I have met community midwives doing hypnobirthing and they have given me good reason to believe a homebirth might actually be a good way for me to go and that they are pretty safe for a low-risk second-timer like me, and might really help me.

I don't want an ELCS. I have done lots of thinking about it and have pinpointed that a lot of my panic is more about after the birth than the birth itself.. and being helpless in postnatal.

I didn't think therapists were supposed to really push an agenda but this one had an ELCS after EMCS and I think she does really...

and it's £40 an hour and I've only met her twice.. and I could do to talk out what I want to do without being pushed into her agenda.

Why does everyone have their own agenda? MN is so much more objective!

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Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:28

(Can you just fire a therapist? She seems to have signed me up for about 8 sessions! I don't want her suggesting I am supposed to pay her!)

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notnowbernard · 19/04/2012 14:29

she sounds awful, get rid

a decent therapist wouldn't be disclosing her own stuff

nickelhasababy · 19/04/2012 14:31

bloody hell!

you should sack her and complain to the governing body (assuming not NHS, but if she is, then you can complain to your PCT)

why would she think that major surgery is safer than a vaginal homebirth?

Ushy · 19/04/2012 14:32

No brainer, thunk get rid of her!

Whether you want a home birth or an ELCS is up to you if you are low risk.

Good luck!

Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:35

I didn't sign her contract first week, but does anyone know how to go about sacking her? Am supposed to see her at 6pm today

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Flimflammery · 19/04/2012 14:36

That's appalling. Even if her views on homebirth were correct (which they're not), it's still not her place to 'push' you to do anything. Please don't give her any more money. Just say you no longer feel her service is useful to you. Then report her to whatever body she belongs to. How did you find her?

fruitybread · 19/04/2012 14:36

Surely if this is a private arrangement and you are paying her, then if you don't feel it is doing you any good, or you don't like her.... you can just stop?

I mean, if you are actually seeing a therapist who says homebirths are 'really wrong' and for 'selfish women who like whale music', then why are you seriously debating this? Do you need some MN outrage on your behalf to push you into cancelling future sessions?

If I went to see a counsellor who told me ELCS was for selfish bitches who didn't want bucket fannies, I think I'd be out of the door pretty sharpish.

cravingcake · 19/04/2012 14:44

I thought that therapy (and therapists) are supposed to help.

Not sure if this is right but just phone and say you cant come to the appointment later today and wont be returning for any other future appointments she has booked. If you dont feel brave enough to do it yourself ask a friend or you DH to call on your behalf.

Good luck.

Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:46

Flimflammery, found her from bacp or whatever its called, and I was impressed with first session, found it useful. Then last week.. well... we did all this talking about the elcs and all that, and I left really thinking that was what I wanted and that we would spend the next few weeks convincing the consultant that..

But then the therapy effect wore off and I thought, hang on one second, you really don't want this. I have a very good friend who had elcs after a birth like mine and it was absolutely right for her and her circumstances but actually my postnatal experiences cause me a lot more panic than the birth itself and having an elcs would increase my exposure to the most scary bit (for me).

Fruity I am just such a good girl in these situations. At work I am very feisty and assertive, but I just cringe about how to deal with this and terminate it. I question my own reasonableness and am afraid she'll be angry. How stupid does that sound?

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Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:47

discussing how to convince the consultant that was what I wanted Sorry

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nickelhasababy · 19/04/2012 14:47

by "sack her" it just means "no longer employ her services" but if you haven't signed her contract, then I suppose you have effectively done that.
:)

Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 14:48

Like, should I tell her why? And is it that unreasonable to disclose her stuff.. I can't ever get a handle on this.. and what do I do if she asks for money for today's session? Have I left it too late for today, should I go anyway?

Sorry. Feel a bit clueless. You can tell I haven't done a lot of this!

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WhenDoISleep · 19/04/2012 14:48

Is it a private thearapist that you are paying for yourself? If so, you don't have to go back to see her again - ring and cancel tonights appointment and sya that you will not be making any further appointments either.

I would also seriously consider making a complaint to her supervisor (if she works in a practice) or supervising body if she works alone as she should not be pushing her agenda on to you and I would say that it is very unprofessional of her to have disclosed her own maternity history to you.

I'm glad that you have meet some supportive community midwives.

nickelhasababy · 19/04/2012 14:51

I suppose that's why you thought about homebirth, then.

MN's got the campaign for improving postnatal care in hospitals, but I suppose that's a bit late for you now.
plus, you know what it all entails now, so you're more likely to be able to cope with it.
but one thing you must learn to be, is feisty with your personal life too. It's the only way you'll get yourself heard.

and don't worry about what she thinks - if you can't tell her to face-to-face, write a letter.

GoOnPitch · 19/04/2012 15:00

I am guessing that this therapist is private?
I would just say:
'Look, I have being feeling uncomforable during the last two treatments and even though the treatment itself was good (I am guessing ot was as you are talking about the effect wearing off??), I would like to stop now and cancel my next appointment'
If she ask why, I would tell her that you feel incomfortable that she seems to be pushing her own ideas re the delivery. If she is any good at her job, she will use that as a tool to learn what not say next time and be more careful of not mixing her experience with her patient's experience.

Re disclosing her experience, it really depends on what sort of therapy you have been recieving. It could be totally OK (eg a massage) or not acceptable at all (eg during counselling).

As for todays session, it depends if she has a cancellation procedure and told you about it. If there is a cancellation procedure, it might be more difficult to negociate.However, in my experience, most reasonnable practitioners, if faced by an issue like this (Hence it might be worth telling her why you want to cancel), would not charge.

fruitybread · 19/04/2012 16:13

Actually - depending on what kind of therapy this is, your therapist isn't necessarily being unprofessional in being open about her own experiences. Some gestalt therapy is based on this.

In a way, saying 'this was my experience' allows you to contextualise what a counsellor is saying. (Which you have done, in fact. You think she has a pro-ELCS agenda, because she had one herself after an EMCS. )

You can ring and cancel. The easiest way out is just to cancel, accepting that you might, if cancelling at the last minute have to pay some or all of the session, and leave it at that. You don't have to respond to any contact from her if you don't want to.

If you feel strongly about it, you can feed back to her in writing, or to whichever professional body she belongs to, which takes any element of face to face out of it, and should make it easier for you.

If she has genuinely, literally said 'home births are really wrong and for selfish women who want whale music instead of safe births...' then if you made a complaint, you would be taken very seriously.

(If this is your interpretation of how you think she feels, and those are your words, not hers, then I really wouldn't put that in a complaint).

Original poster

thunksheadontable · 19/04/2012 16:35

It was supposed to be CBT for perinatal OCD.

She said after discussing it with me: "have you ruled out a homebirth then? I just can't understand why anyone would put their most precious baby's life at risk by having one to fulfil some personal agenda".

That was what she said. It doesn't really make me feel that it is a subject we can discuss.

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nickelhasababy · 19/04/2012 16:58

but by saying that she's doing just that!

fruitybread · 19/04/2012 18:20

Well, the therapist has clearly introduced the subject in a way that isn't remotely conducive for discussion, and it's the opposite of patient-led.

I think if this therapist is seeing perinatal clients, it is something to complain about. Feelings about birth are so complex, it doesn't do to 'lead' a patient in that way. I'm coming at it from the opposite angle, in that if a therapist said to me 'oh, you don't want a horrible caesarian, do you? Someone slicing into your stomach and ripping your baby out, just to fulfill some personal agenda?' then I'd be very upset and angry. And would make a formal complaint about them.

DoulaKate · 19/04/2012 18:22

Ooh, this made me very angry! It sounds like you are better off declining her "services" further. Fine if she's good at assisting individuals with CBT for specific needs, but this goes way beyond her remit. She should not be giving "advice" about how you birth and her personal opinions about birth should never be disclosed or used to persuade an individual to take a particular path. This is highly unprofessional behaviour.
I do hope that you can find relevant help going forward. Go with your instincts about using this lady's services.

GoOnPitch · 19/04/2012 21:24

I think this comment was completely out of place in this context.

Have you ring and cancel your appointment?

Original poster

thunksheadontable · 20/04/2012 15:54

Well.. I went. And had a big pep talk from dh about ditching her.. but then the session itself was very useful, and much more CBT than it has been.. so she has earned a reprieve. I don't think I actually need to discuss the birth place with her to do what I need to do but it may be that I do...

I'm trialling a different therapist tonight and this may make it easier to terminate. I just really do need to have something at the moment as I am keen to avoid ADs and therapy has taken the edge off (even when I didn't agree with her stance). Tricky...

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