Feeling guilty for DC1?

[MarathonMama]

I'm overdue expecting DC2 imminently but feeling really awful for my DD. We have such a loving, close relationship (she's 2.6) I think she's going to be really put out by the arrival of DD2. I don't feel like I've bonded with the baby at all and almost resent her for coming between me and DD1. Is this normal?

I'm convinced I've gone over (I'm 41+3) because psychologically I'm not ready, do you think that's possible?

I was quite overwhelmed with feelings of guilt for my first-born in the run-up to DC2 arriving. I am sure it is completely normal - I have discussed it with other parents and everyone swent through varying degrees of the same concerns.

I felt reassured by the fact that I was also giving them one of (IMO) the greatest gifts in life - a sibling.

Apart from that, I reckon that if inducing or delaying labour was mind over matter you owuld be able to sell that technique by the bucketful . Mine's were both early (and well before I was psychologically ready!) and I know a hell of a lot of people who were late despite being very ready!

Your sibling is the person you have the longest living relationship with.

DH and I were actively TTC our second child for almost 2 years. The amount of guilt and sadness that I personally felt about being unable to get pregnant - and therefore 'fail' to provide DD1 with a sibling - was unbearable, particularly as the months rolled by.

We did manage to conceive again HOORAY! and our much longed-for second babe is due next month! Our first-born will be 3.2 years old and is so excited at the prospect of the baby's arrival.

And yet, I have found myself at certain points of this pregnancy wondering how the baby will impact on DD1; how things will change for her, whether these changes will all be good, etc, etc.

It's weird, but I think it might all be a natural part of being a mother - of always wanting to do the right thing by your children. In many ways, the impending arrival has made the bond with DD1 stronger, as I am a lot more comfortable with her not being the 'baby' anymore. She has got this whole new role to fulfil, and I can't wait now for them to meet and see the look on my daughter's face when she sees her baby for the first time :D

My DD was 2.5 when DS was born. Its normal to barely feel you've bonded with the new baby - after all in your first pregnancy you can spend ages in the bath talking to bump etc. Second time around there just isn't the time or energy for all that. We worried that we wouldnt love DS as much and that DD would never forgive us.

Ha ha! How wrong we were. When DS popped out (or rather shot out, 7 mins second stage!) we were both consumed by pride and joy which still continues now he is 5 months old. DD loved him from the off too, and he really loves her - they smile and play and giggle together which is such a gift for them and for us to watch. He thinks she is the bees knees and she is so sweet with him. She is very proud and protective of her brother.

There will be a couple of months adjustment though - we found DD's behaviour towards us got worse - more melodrama, more whining, potty training regression etc. But by the third month the fog is starting to clear and everyone is getting used to being a family of four rather than three. My DS is 5 months now and I can't imagine just having DD and not him too.

I was 40+10 when DS arrived! I don't think anyone ever is psychologically ready for the arrival of a baby, first or second.

I could have written your exact post with the slight change in details of my DC1 is a boy & we don't yet know the 'flavour' of DC2 I'm also 41+3, nowhere near popping, and don't feel I've bonded as well with this baby.

It does worry me a bit and actually I had the same conversation with my SIL today who said she was exactly the same, so yes, I think it is normal thank goodness Sending you lots of labour vibes too!

I think quite normal - certainly most people I've spoken to seem to have been through it.

Best bit of advice I've been given? From a mum of 4, 'you are giving them so much more than you are taking away from them'. And having seen the 2 of them together, I genuinely believe that. DD1 and 2 are 25 months apart, now 4 & 2 and, whilst there are the usual sibling rivalries and fights, when they get on well, it's just the loveliest thing to see. They're real little playmates and are sharing a bedroom through choice. DD2 wasn't much of a 'threat' to DD1 in the first year, babies do a lot of sleeping when the toddler's about, so DD1 had had more than enough time to get used to her before she really started to make her presence felt. Now, she doesn't remember a time before DD2 was there.

My other thought is how much I value my relationship with my own sibs - 1 of each - there were a good few years in the teens when we didn't get on, but we're all really close now.

I think there's an element of pg hormones that come into play at the end too - am currently 41 +1 with DC3 and DESPERATE for it to turn up and yet found myself having a nap this afternoon and feeling really quite tearful about the fact that I wasn't playing in the garden with my girls (GPs are staying, so they're more than happy), and what was I doing having another when I should be looking after them.

Oh, and I agree with all the comments above re bonding with 2nd+ child - I keep being asked if I have any inkling about what sex DC3 is - really haven't had a chance to think about it this time round!

Just make sure you get time for cuddles with your DD and enjoy both of them - tis hard work at the beginning but well worth it and lovely to watch their relationship grow.

Good luck!

You've had really good advice, but the one thing I'd add is to try not to assume that your DD1 will be put out by the arrival of DD2. I think sometimes expecting that reaction can encourage it IYSIM.

DD1 and DD2 are 26 months apart and they adore each other. DD2 is only 9 months, so no squabbles about toys etc yet (which I am sure will come), but I can honestly say there has been no rivalry or resentment from DD1 at all. She wakes up in the morning demanding to see DD2 most days. I know we have been very lucky in that respect, but there's no reason why you might not be similarly lucky. It really has enriched DD1's life having a sister. And DD2 gets to hang out whilst we do 'big children' activities in a way her sister never did - you'd feel a bit daft getting out the paints and doing a butterfly all on your own!

I feel for you and had very similar feelings myself a year ago before DD2 was born. It's completely normal and it does pass after baby arrives. It's such an emotional time and your hormones are all over the place it's entirely understandable that you would feel the way you do.

I was taken by surprise a bit at how much I missed DD1 after DD2 was born I wish someone had warned me about how guilty I would feel after baby came. I had worried so much about how she would feel I hadn't considered my own feelings. In those very early weeks when I was pretty much tied to the baby I physically missed the closeness I had shared with DD1 before. It didn't affect that rush of maternal love for DD2 but I often felt very torn.

However I want to encourage you though by saying it did pass and watching the two of them playing together now and hearing DD1 tell DD2 how much she loves her is one of the greatest delights I have.

It will be an adjustment for DD1 but with your and the family's help she will get used to the new arrival. Lots of involvement and fostering a sort of benevolent 'poor baby she can't do anything for herself or any of the exciting things I can do attitude' worked for us.

I love the advice that someone else has mentioned that you're giving DC1 one of the greatest gifts - a sibling. It's so true.

I wonder if baby has arrived by now???

Very best wishes :)

Thanks all, made me quite emotional reading your stories and advice.

Still no baby here, going for induction tomorrow - yuk!

I felt similar before DD2 was born, I was worried that I wouldn't love her as much as DD1 and worried that my relationship with DD1 would change.

9 months on, I am so so pleased that we decided to have another DC. My two are absolutely wonderful together, they love each other so much already and I am sure that I have given DD1 much much more than I have taken away. It was hard at first, for the first couple of weeks I felt as though I barely saw DD1 as she spent more time with her Dad and other family members while I got the bfing going. And if I'm honest, our relationship has changed a little, but in a very natural way. She's now very much the older sister and she feels quite grown up and independent, and 'looks after' DD2 (DD1 is 3.7, she was 2.10 when DD2 was born). She does have less one to one time with me, but she enjoy being with her sister, and we never really had any jealousy- she adjusted very easily.

As for not being able to love DD2 as much as DD1, the idea seems absolutely laughable now. I don't love them in exactly the same way- after all, one is a baby and the other a 'big' girl- but they are both my whole world.

My son has just refused to let me eat any more of his baking as he is saving it for his sister who is out. They will love each other for 80-100 years and you will love them both and love their relationship. How you feel is very normal but there is going to be plenty of love to go round. Good luck.