Lost confidence after painful internal exam

[InsomniaQueen]

I felt quite confident (ish) about labour as I have suffered from hip, back, SPD and hernia during this pregnancy - all of these have pushed my pain tolerance level up - so I thought that I would be able to manage labour with the coping strategies I already had in place for my existing problems.

I started contracting and so went into hospital to be checked, only 34 weeks so was pleased that they were only sporadic and the real thing hadn't actually started. During my check I was given a speculum check and then internal - I found them really painful, as in screaming out painful. This is something that I've always struggled with, vaginal exams have always been painful to me as I seem to have a very tight perennial (sp?) muscle. Now as the days go by and I find that labour is now really impending I am losing confidence in myself that I will be able to do this. I have spoken to the MW but she basically said I was being a wimp and that if I couldnt handle this then it wasn't looking good for my G&A only planned birth.

Has anyone else had this problem or have any suggestions to help me as I feel a bit scared to even go into hospital now knowing what is waiting for me. Thanks for the help!!!

i find things like that uncomfortable too. i had a sweep with ds3 and it was really very, very painful.
however I have given birth to 2 out of my 3 children with no pain relief whatsoever!

so i don't think it's necessarily relevant. the pain is very different and it's happening under different circumstances.
labour WILL be very painful, and you may well find it's "screaming out" painful... that doens't mean you can't get through it on just G&A though! :)

i should also add that I am a huge wuss and had all the drugs avauilable for my first labour, so i am in no way some kind of high pain threshold super-fit young thang!

Your midwife sounds terrible. There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to manage on G&A - getting a baby out of your body (which is a natural process) is completely different to someone putting something inside your body to do an examination (which is not a natural process).

During labour your body will release endorphins which will help with the pain. They don't occur when you're having a vaginal exam. No doubt you'll have been worrying about what was happening with your baby, as well as knowing you were going to be examined and that will have made you tense.

You can also refuse VEs during labour if you want, so you won't have the worry about having to go through them.

I agree that coping with a vaginal exam is not the same at all as labour.
Like you, I was reasonably confident of my ability to cope with labour during my first pregnancy. I then had a sweep/internal exam not long after my due date and it was uncomfortable, caused a bit of painful cramping and made me feel very vulnerable and upset and I began to worry I would not cope with labour at all.

However, I had a great labour and didn't need any pain relief (well, local anaesthetic for the stitching up afterwards) for it.

The MW sounds pretty unpleasant and unhelpful and I don't think the experience of the internal will predict how it will be in labour. During both my labours/pregnancies I found the external intervention stuff (stitching, cervix checking etc) much more difficult to cope with than the natural, body-initiated stuff.

God, this makes me so angry I could scream!!

I have had two labours. One with a confirmed OP baby, and every intervention going (typical nasty first hospital birth). One likely OP at home.

I got told I had a low pain threshold too. You know what, I bloody don't. It's just that not every woman finds the same bit painful. The most painful things in both pregnancies and labours were VE's and an attempted sweep. And I speak as someone who had their second baby at home, in the pool, with not even gas and air. I could do that again in a heartbeat, yet I am terrified of a smear test (and keep putting it off ).

I had no VEs with DD2 (partly through circumstances, though I had intended to limit them a lot), and if there is ever a number 3, I will be refusing unless they can convince me that there are reasons directly related to danger to me or my baby being in distress why they would be a good idea. You could do the same if you feel more relaxed that way?

If you are happy to consent, I suggest you say that you have found them very painful in the past and specifically ask that you have someone who understands that and can be gentle.

Thanks for the replies ladies - it does make me feel slightly better to know that I'm not the only one who finds VE painful and that it doesn't automatically mean I won't have a positive birth experience.

I just think it's really hard because I totally get that labour doesn't always go to plan and that really you should try to be as open minded to what you might need or what might need to be done for the baby. But my poor health throughout this pg has left me with little to enjoy (other than the baby obviously) and so the thought of trying to have a positive birth experience has almost been the thing I've been clinging to. And it just feels like even that is slipping through my fingers.......

Try not to focus too much on the birth anyway - it's a means to an end. Fab if you get the birth you want but, at the end of the day, it's (of course!) the baby that counts.

Pregnancy is 9 months. Childbirth is a few hours/days. Motherhood is the rest of your life.

While a positive birth is lovely, amazing thing, focussing too much on it can mean that a negative birth experience overshadows the arrival of the baby.

Gah, I sound preachy and patronising but I don't mean to be.
As part of my postgrad, I spoke to hundreds of women in the hours/days after they had their babies and there were some who were so disappointed in the birth they seemed (at that point) to have lost sight of the reason they had gone through it all! Not their fault at all but just something I noticed.

Ok, I'm going to be blunt here. Nothing is slipping through your fingers. How you find VEs tells you bugger all about how your labour will go. Nothing has happened yet that tells you how your labour will go.

But I would echo Mooncup about birth - though with a slightly different spin. There is nothing wrong with wanting a positive experience. It's how you define that that causes heartache. An elective section can be a positive, deeply meaningful and spiritual experience. Just as much as a birth pool and whale music. And everything in between. Try to define a positive experience as one where you understand what is happening, feel respected in your decisions, make decisions you are happy with afterwards, etc, etc. I know someone who tried for a VBAC and in the end had a section. That, for her, was an extremely positive experience. I also know someone who describes her crash section (and it was touch and go whether she'd need a general) as a positive experience because of the way she and her birth partner handled it and felt about it.

My first birth was nasty mostly because I didn't feel listened to or respected. I had forceps, and actually that bit was fine because the registrar was lovely.

Try to define positive in that way, and you have a far better chance of a positive outcome.