Why am I so anxious about this birth, when I really didn't find it that bad?

[working9while5]

I am nearly 22 weeks pregnant with dc2. First birth was a post-dates induction at 40+12 of a reasonably large (8lb 14oz) baby who was back to back after waters had broken at 40+11.

Was drip induced at 9am, 24 hours after waters broken. Labour didn't really kick in until about noon, then had 3 hours of contractions with no pain relief, 2 hours with gas and air, 1 hours with gas and air and TENS and then got the epi at about 5-6cms dilated (4pm). Was fully dilated at 11pm, but left for an hour, then had 2 hours + of pushing at which point had to go to theatre for trial of forceps and was prepped for CS. DS was born by Kielland's (high/rotational) forceps at 2.20am.

I never felt the pain was out of control, the epidural was very calm, the pushing was okay... there was nothing particularly traumatic to the outward eye. Yet when we got to theatre, I had a complete out of body experience... I actually felt like I left my body and that everyone was shouting and it was terrifying. When ds was born, he was limp and blue (Apgar of 6) and he was taken away for maybe 5 mins, but he came back to me fast enough.. yet I was still totally out of it. I was convinced when he didn't cry that he was dead and that I'd blown it, and when I saw him and he was so bruised and burned from the forceps I felt like I had totally failed him. I spent the next two nights sobbing uncontrollably over him and saying repetitively "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I've already failed you, you're so tiny and I've failed you". It was like I just totally and utterly lost it.

I just don't know why. So many women have terrible things happen to them, have the most awful experiences... I really didn't have the hardest time of it in the world, why did my brain respond to it like that, why?

I am seeing a pregnancy support midwife for low mood/anxiety - but I feel SO guilty for feeling like this. I haven't bonded with this bump at all, I just don't want to have to give birth.. I just want to bypass it. I feel so ashamed of myself for being so pathetic, it is just part of being a woman, why can't I just get on with it like everyone else, why take it all so seriously? I consider myself a fairly normal, level-headed person normally.

How can I snap out of it? I have been referred to the Perinatal Mental Health team to look at depression etc.. pregnancy support midwife has said I might want to consider elective cs to avoid uncertainty/give me a sense of control.

I am so confused...

Don't feel bad. It sounds like it was a tough ride for you from an outsiders perspective. Don't feel like you 'fail' him because of it. Every womans body reacts differently to pregnancy & labour, all you can do - is your best. and when in a medical environment, they do whats necessary for you both. so this was what they thought was best. I havent had experience with forceps. and was lucky to have a good labour. but i'm feeling anxious about this one (i'm 24+2) for some reason.

Just try to air what you feel, relax and just take it in your stride. What will be, will be. at the end of the day you will be taking baby home with you and starting the next chapter of your lives. :)

"I just don't want to have to give birth.. I just want to bypass it" - I feel like this too (30 weeks with DC2). And I had a really not-too-bad experience with DD (vaginal birth, 19 hours first twinge to out, gas and air only, 1st degree tear).

I don't think you need to 'snap out of it'. I think you need to be more gentle on yourself - you are certainly not pathetic. You need to acknowledge that your first birth experience was traumatic (for you, that is all that matters, don't compare it to what other people go through - everyone thinks I had a 'great' birth, but for me it was traumatic and horrifying. And fwiw yours sounds really terrible to me!). And also don't think that 'everyone else' just gets on with it; I'm sure there are many many women who feel like you.

Sounds like you are doing the right things seeing the pregnancy support mw, and getting referral to MH team. Is it worth considering a doula as well, if you can stretch to that? They should talk through your fears relating to last birth as part of preparation for this birth, and help you decide what you would like to happen, so that you can feel a bit more positive about the birth?

Does ELCS appeal to you?; sounds good that you should have support to go down that route if you decide that's what you want to do.

Ultimately - this is what I keep telling myself - at some point it will just happen, and then it will be over and in the past, and then (hopefully) I will have a lovely new baby...

Good luck xx

Hello..all I can really say to you is that although other peoples experiences may seem so much worse, it doesn't really matter what it is thats happened, its how it feels to you and how its affecting you that matters..your experience seems to have traumatised you which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of..there are many people who have had what we may consider much less of a difficult experience yet to them its a huge deal, and there are people like myself who would look at your situation and think what an awful set of things to have to go through in one labour...I had what I feel was a very difficult labour with my dd(dc2) but no intervention or complications(but thats another story) I just found it very hard to cope with and it put me off getting pregnant for 5 years..thats just how I feel about it. We can't help how these things feel or how they affect us, so feeling awful about yourself for feeling like you do is just gonna make things worse and more confusing for you hon, keep getting the support you need until you feel able to move on..we can be our own worst judges and alot of the time theres really no need to be..just try to keep telling yourself that you feel this way for a reason, and the reason is probably because your body and mind knows it needs some support to heal..go with it, let it happen and best of luck, I really hope you get to move on soon and learn not to be so hard on yourself..wishing you a better experience of labour this time around..