Unsure of next steps - (Some upsetting content)

[slowburner]

I am not sure where to seek advice about the planning of my second pregnancy. This board or another. I'm sorry this is long but it sort of has to be.

My first pregnancy was easy, no sickness, I carried well and was walking several miles, gardening, cleaning and doing weekly yoga until 42 weeks. The only time I had to slow down was when the summer heatwave of 32 degrees made me swell up like a balloon. I intended on a home water birth and although I knew that birth doesn't always go to plan I was very anti intervention and not a fan of the drugs often used in childbirth.

I went to 40+12 with no issues, my community midwives were happy I had a family history of lengthy pregnancies, I was fit and healthy. At +13 and +15 I was given scans and an hour of trace monitoring, all was well. However at the +13 appt the consultant decide dot give me a sweep, I had a show which was so significant a bleed i was totally unable to clean up and DH had to help. Even the nurse commented that it was quite a quantity of blood. I saw the community midwife at +16 who reassured me I was beginning to show signs of labour.

At +17 I started gentle contractions late afternoon, concerned by lack of movement I switched from community care to hospital delivery suite. I had two hours of monitoring which showed baby was not moving. The decision was taken to induce by ARM at midnight, my waters were 'like pea soup' according to the midwife indicating that something was wrong but the request for a section was refused. I was strapped to monitors, and so could not use the pool, could not stand up and move around but was on my back. At 2am I was 8cm dilated, at about 3am I suddenly had agonising continuous pain, I had not needed any pain relief and wasn't about to start now.

Unfortunately this was my baby becoming stuck and slowly starved of oxygen leading to widespread and significant brain damage. The midwife who never left my side kept repeating that the trace wasn't looking good but it wasn't unti 3.30 that alarm buttons were pressed and the senior doctor started ventouse delivery. DD arrived at 4am, I went into shock (as in needing a drip, and care from medical staff), baby went to NICU as a precaution due to low blood sugars.

Anyway, cut a long story short she was discharged from NICU at about six hours old, we were on post natal with no monitoring when she stopped breathing in my arms and turned blue. It became evident over the next fortnight that she had suffered massive brain injury due to the mismanaged labour - I should have been crash sectioned. DD is doing ok but life isn't exactly normal.

Since then all I can think about is a chance to have the newborn experience and bond with a baby. Since Christmas no less than six close friends have had easy natural births at our local birthing unit which recently opened. I am under siege from 'normal' pictures of mum looking tired with newborn, dad holding newborn, newborn sleeping, newborn feeding and the texts, mum and baby doing well etc which we obviously didn't get a chance to send.

I had come to terms with never experiencing a natural birth or water birth etc and just opting for an elective section but not knowing anyone who has had a section I am quite concerned that this is major surgery and although will enable baby to be born safe, will not mend my terrible memories as well as possible ly affecting my bond with baby. Going overdue is a major risk factor in this happening again, so I had considered aiming for my due date + 5 and then ELCS, I am not a fan of induction given what happened last time, plus I know I wouldn't be able to labour in water if I was induced.

Ultimately I want a healthy baby, but I just feel lost and unable to think about the birth without hearing from others who have had to make this type of decision. I am having counselling but this is outside their remit, I am not keen on a birth debrief because I don't want to listen to why they didn't act the way they should have done.

So sorry for the essay. I have totally outed myself ti anyone who knows me but I really do not know where to ask these questions!

Sjisontheway, I am so sorry you have also had this experience, I hope your DD1 is doing ok? I help run a online HIE support group so maybe I have met you on there but your advice all much appreciated for knowing precisely where I am coming from.

lunaticfringe I am so sorry. Thank you for contributing and I think I will also need that reassurance that if I panic my instincts are trusted and baby comes out very quickly. My instincts the first time around were correct, its just that the medical 'experts' that night gave the wrong answer. Can still see the doctor now looking at me and telling me baby would deb perfectly fine to go through an induced labour. She was very very wrong.

fufulina I am so sorry you lost twins, heartbreaking. Thank you for reassuring me that a CS can be calm and peaceful, I know it's not popular but think that a peaceful birth results in a peaceful baby and I would want to try an ensure a gentle managed birth. Hence my desire for a water birth.

Most of all though, I really want a baby in my arms, not in a iCU crib where I cannot touch her or talk to her for risk of stimulating and creating seizures.

Hi slowburner - I don't think we've met before. As it turns out, my dd also has a genetic disorder completely unrelated to the brain injury and this actually causes her much more problems, so I guess this is where I focus most of my attention now.
I do understand your situation. I shed many tears and spent many sleepless nights worrying about the subsequent births. One thing that helped a lot was finding a consultant that I trusted and was willing to listen and understand.

my DH has said ever since that he wants me to have a CS next time, doesn't want to risk either of us again.

I think some of the posts here have proven what a positive experience a cs can be, particularly when they are planned. Best of luck whatever you decide

Yes, I have certainly more positive thoughts about an ELCS and plenty of questions for when we get a session with the obstetric consultant. I am hopeful I would be able to get a private room post birth, even if I have to pay for it.

Just to add to the positive section stories, a friend of mine had a planned section after a traumatic first delivery. She said it was the most amazing experience of her life! Calm, relaxed, she chose the music playing, they dimmed the lights briefly, etc. She say it was the peaceful birth she always wanted - even if at the time of her first child she had imagined that being vaginal birth in a pool, etc, etc. Only the place was different, not the ambience, IYSWIM.

Good luck. You sound incredibly brave.

I'm so sorry that you birth didn't go the way it should.

'Pea soup' liquor does indicate some sort of problem in pregnancy where for one reason or another a baby does not received enough oxygen. Meconium Aspiration is generally a result of this shock and happens before birth.

spatone There was no sign of MAS, and we were told without a doubt the damage on the MRI occurred during delivery and not before labour. The fact remains however that with reduced movements and pea soup liquor baby was in severe distress and should have been delivered via a section rather than a heavy handed induction and aggressive vacuum delivery.

I have also been told meconium is not unusual in very post term babies.

My first labour was also badly handled and resulted in an emergency section after 30 odd hours of labour. Nowhere near your experience which sounds horrific, but so very far from my ideal. Took me many many years to get over it, and I still hadn't fully by the time I became pregnant with ds2 5 years later (took that long to even contemplate doing it again).

Second time round I was torn between wanting things to be perfect, to birth 'properly', and the fear of ending up in the same situation. At my 38 week check, ds2 was discovered to be breech so I opted for an ELCS.

Oh my goodness, it was absolutely amazing. Completely healed me from the trauma I'd gone through with ds1. The fact that my newborn was handed straight to me and not whisked immediately away to SCBU before I'd barely had chance to see him definitely helped, but the care in the theatre was just wonderful. It was all calm and relaxed, and a truly magical experience.

If we ever have another dc I shall book my elcs at my initial midwife appointment I think!

Best of luck slowburner

I would go for the ELCS. I have a very good friend who had a similar situation to yours in her first birth, sadly her little girl died two days after she was born . Her second birth resulted in her son having severe and profound learning difficulties. She had a third birth where she was induced early and although he is absolutely healthy and typically developing, he did have to spend a week in special care and she found bonding really hard even though she had had a "natural birth". This was in the early 80's and she was never offered a CS, was told she would have to labour.

It's awful that it has been like this for you. I think for control alone I would go with CS but obviously it has to feel right for you.