Feel like i failed..

[MVRC]

I'm not sure what I hope to gain from sharing this. Maybe it will make me feel better having it all written down or maybe someone else can relate to my story. Either way, its quite a long story so please bare with me...

I was 41 weeks and I woke up at 8am having contraction. Mild bearable ones coming every 7 minutes. Saw the midwife at 2pm who gave me a sweep. It must have kicked things off as come 6pm I was on my way to the hospital having strong contractions every 4 minutes. I had coped at home on my birthing ball with my TENS machine.

At hospital, I was examined and told I was 3cms. So they admitted me. I was now having 2 contraction back to back with a 30 second break then another contraction. So asked for g&a which made me sick instantly so I didn't have anymore. My contractions were getting worse and worse and I was struggling to cope so asked for pethidine. Once that was injected my waters broke and my contractions became excruciating and came continuously with no break at all. I was starting to panic as the midwife had said she wouldn't examin me again for another 4 hours. I thought that I couldn't cope with that level of pain for another 4 hours and did something that I never even considered doing and asked for an epidural.

They took me upstairs and gave me the epidural. Once that was in my contractions slowed down so I was put on oxytocin to speed them up again. Spent the next 12 hours being moved from position to position as the babies heart rate was dropping with each contraction. At 10am I was told I was 10cms and could start pushing. 4 pushes later and I was told to stop as the babies head was in the wrong position, facing 2 o'clock and they were going to have to take me upstairs for a ventouse delivery and if that didn't work I would need a cs.

I was numbed completely from the waist down in case I needed a cs. I was given a episiotomy and the ventouse was attached. After a lot of pushing, a third degree tear and the doctor pulling like she was a body builder trying to pull a lorry, he was born. He was put on my belly but rather than the sudden rush of love you are supposed to feel, all I thought was 'oh sh*t'. He wasn't breathing properly and was taken to SCBU which is where he spent the next 6 days.

1 month on and I still can't think of his birth without bursting into tears and I'm still waiting for that rush of love for him to appear. Don't get me wrong, I would take on the world to protect him but I just don't feel like a new mum should. Not that I have told anyone this as I feel so bad about it.

I just wonder, maybe if I never had the epidural then I might have been able to push him out myself then he wouldn't have had to go to SCBU and I would feel like I should about him.

I had a bad time when my DS1 was born, I ended up being knocked out with my c-section, so dont feel bad about the birth, as long as baby is born ok, then thats what matters.

I also didnt feel that rush of love, he was up in another ward for a couple of days too. I thought it was to do with the birth. My DD was born and I still didnt get that rush....or with DS2....but just because you dont have it hit you up the face, like some people say, doesnt mean you dont love your child. I think I loved my child so much when I carried them, that it just carried on, and I was so happy that they were ok, that it took over everything else.

I honestly dont think you are any different from most of us, and who is to say how a new mum should feel. You said you would take on the world to protect him, he is one lucky baby that is now a new mum should feel....that is love. Enjoy your baby, put that worry behind you, your doing a great job.

xx

No wonder you feel awful. You went through a terrible experience.

Labour is excruciating and as I know from bitter experience back to back is doubly so. Stop beating yourself up. If you'd not had the epidural who's to say what might have happened.? You could have got stressed and distressed the baby anyway and then maybe you'd be telling us you wished you'd had more pain relief.

If the baby was lying wrong that is not your fault it is not anybody's fault. You did nothing wrong and everything right.

You got yourself to the right place, you got your baby out safely, you took medical advice about pain relief and you made all those decisions under the circumstances of a back to back labour.

You need to talk to your GP as you do sound depressed. Its nothing to be ashamed of and is really common and treatable. Treat yourself gently, take each day as it comes and most of all stop blaming yourself for your perfectly valid and understandable pain relief choices during labour.

You have done nothing wrong & most definitely haven't failed. It doesn't matter how your DC got here as long as he's here safe & sound. You need to give yourself credit for that & stop beating yourself up over it. I am sorry you had such a bad experience though.

I'm not sure about the 'rush of love' feeling. I did have that each time, but who is to say what's normal? If you could be depressed then it is worth talking to a professional as help is there but again, I think you need to stop giving yourself a hard time about that too. You've been through a lot so be kind to yourself & recognise how well you are doing - you deserve credit & praise as its not easy.

Good grief, I almost cried just reading that so it really is no wonder you're still upset. Not to forget all the hormones and sleep deprivation thrown into the mix. I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience but you should know that you have not failed. You succeeded in bringing your baby into the world the best way you could. You should be proud of yourself for getting through.

I had a relatively straightforward first birth and tbh I didn't feel the rush of love. It was something that crept up on me over the months. I was worried I had pnd, but luckily I was okay I'm just highly strung! and now I get an overwhelming rush of love for my DS at random times. It does come. I just kind of went on autopilot caring for him and meeting his needs and love hit me after. It might be a good idea just to speak to your GP or HV (if one or other is any good) so that they can reassure you and keep an eye on you in case you are suffering from pnd or PTSD.

Oh, and congratulations on your lovely baby

I didn't have a particularly bad delivery with my eldest, but I didn't get a rush of love either, he was interesting and I felt responsible for him and he was very sweet - but ultimately he was a tiny stranger, lol

I did bond with him absolutely fine, but it happened gradually.

As for having failed him, you had a not straightforward labour, you followed the expert medical advice and he's here - you did fine.

Darlin' babies come in all sorts of ways, for most women labour does exactly what it says on the tin - it's sheer hard hard work, painful, and often scary and frightening in places to boot.

Your labour was pretty standard sounding (was it your first? You sound like it was), and you did what you had to do to get you & your son through it in one piece. Now, you can go over & over it in your head, "what if I'd done this or not done that" but the reality is that what's done is done, you have a little boy who needs you now so you need to find a way to move on.

I suggest finding out whether your hospital does any kind of resolution service for new Mums would be a good place to start. Our local hospital has a service where you can book an appointment with a consultant midwife after the birth to talk through what happened and why. It can be very helpful.

Also, if you feel it's appropriate then the Birth Trauma Association might be able to help with some of how you feel, though I must say it all sounds pretty normal to me - & I hear a LOT of birth stories from women through my job.

You absolutely don't sound depressed to me - you sound traumatised and shocked. The rush of Love you're waiting for often takes longer than you might think to come, and sometimes it sneaks up on you gradually. You clearly love your son and for now that's enough. You can be a great Mum without the magical "bond" that you often hear about. believe me that will come over time as the shock of what happened to you fades.

The breathing issue and SCBU time is much more likely to be because of the pethidine, I would be very, very surprised if you discover it had anything to do with the epidural at all (they don't cross into the baby's system). However, as I said before, you made the decisions that you made in good faith and it's completely unhelpful to you and your baby now to be blaming yourself for any of it.

You did a great job, you got your baby here in a safe place as best you could. You clearly love your baby, so now it's time to either find out properly what happened & why so you can move on, or just make the decision to move on. You sound completely normal for a new Mum and I'm sure that you and your son will have many, many happy days, weeks and months ahead of you. Hold him close and enjoy him - you deserve it.

You did not fail, you made the best decisions you could at the time.
You had a very rough time & are still getting over that. The trauma you feel & bonding difficulties are not that uncommon, they should be more openly discussed.

I want to say that it's easy to make perfect decisions in hindsight, but the truth is that different decisions might have resulted in different complications, there is no guarantee.
Nobody can "fail" at childbirth.
I think some post-birth counselling would be appropriate.

You will get thru this, promise. But don't be afraid to ask for help.

I didn't have that rush with dd1 or ds, but by 3 months I was absolutely crazy in love with both of them. i DID get it with dd2 and guess what? That's the only labour I had an epidural for. It was also the calmest, most peaceful delivery though and I think that made a huge difference to me.Sorry you had a crap time, but don't worry that it will make a difference to your feelings in the long term.

You sound like you have PTSD which is totally understandable in the circs- go to GP and shout for counselling, and don't be fobbed off with PND 'diagnosis'.

You seem like you tried to live up to a pretty unrealistic myth of childbirth which we are now told is some mystical magical earth mothery joy. Dd's birth was very similar to your story; I was in shock and shaking like a leaf, unable to speak when it hit me 3 days later. I'd always planned epidural etc and to just do what was needed so I never felt guilty or like I'd failed, just glad we'd survived the whole thing. That's why I feel that you got put in a position of trying to live up to someone else's fantasy. In reality, you made the best decisions you could at the time, which turned out tobe pretty good actually.

I had an emcs with my dd after a 36 hour labour where i got to no more than 6cm. I had oxytocin, hyperstimulation and my epidural didnt work so i had that and gas. When they came to discuss csection i told them 'just get it out'.

This was after i had an independant midwife, got a birthpool for a home birth and read ina may gaskin. I was practicing hynobirthing and was sooo anti intervention i went 11 days over with pre-eclampsia and asked for monitoring not induction.

After dd was born i felt no rush. I truly felt like i had been in an accident. I was in a recovery room having endured days of pain and i was left to manage this tiny person. The love did come though. I knew after a few days that i loved her and i had awful visions of something happening to her. But the whole experience def affected by connection to her. It was traumatic.

Im two weeks from having dc2, an elcs. When i discussed it with my consultant i broke down at dd's birth. She was fine but i just cannot face the exhaustion and physical/emotional endurance to potentially have another cs on top. I truly believe that the fear and shock i experienced affected by ability to cope with dd. It wasnt until i spoke to my consultant that i realised how much it affected me.

I'd recommend getting your notes and booking to see someone from the unit to discuss what happened. None of it was your fault, birth is an unknown entity that varies woman to woman, baby to baby. But it sounds like you would benefit from discussing what happened to rationalise it in your mind. And hopefully come to terms with it.

You poor thing it sounds like you had a terrible time, and I should think you will need a good amount of time to recover yourself and heal both physically and mentally. Have you got a supportive partner or family? It might help you to meet with one of the midwives and go through your notes with them to see if they can explain a bit more about what happened.

I don't think that not feeling the instant rush of love is that unusual, especially in your circumstances, so please give it time. You have not failed at all, and the fact hat you are worrying so much shows you are a lovely mum and will be a good mum to your baby.

Give yourself some time. Congratulations on your lovely baby.

My first labour was excruciating and I ended up asking for, and getting, an epidural. DD was back to back and just wasn't budging down at all and it all ended in a cs. I felt no rush of love, more like I'd been hit by a truck! The love came, it crept up on me until one day I realised I loved her more than I could ever imagine.

I spent a lot of time in the next few years wondering if it was all my fault for asking for the epidural. Then I had DS1. I nearly didn't make it to the hospital in time. Partly because it all happened very fast, and partly because I didn't realise how fast it was happening because the pain was at no point even 1/10th of the pain I'd had in my first labour.

I came to realise that the sequence of events was baby in bad position, lead to painful labour, led to epidural. Not the other way around! A few more years on and I've had DS2 and again it was a very straightforward labour with just G&A. The MW even said I should have more as I was so good at it!!!

Some things are just beyond our control and I feel like screaming when people suggest it's a question of attitude or preparation. That's not my experience at all. An awful lot of it is just luck (or lack thereof). It's really not your fault.

I hope you haven't been put off having more. My subsequent experiences were very healing.

You have definitely not failed. I too had a traumatic birth and never felt any rush of love - not for months. I felt cheated. It upset me for ages that I wasn't awake when dd was born and that I never saw dh's face.

The trauma fades and the love comes eventually - honest! Don't beat yourself up about it. The very fact you are so anxious tells me that you will be a fab mum.

Wow, thank you all so much for your positive replies. Its very comforting to know that others have felt the same way and what i am experiancing is normal. I have my 6 week check up next week so I will speak with my GP about it all and maybe see if discussing the labour with a miwife is an option.
xx

MVRC really pleased you feel better.
Ladies - our work is done here

Please do not beat yourself up. I think it can be particularly hard when your baby has to go to SCBU. Sometimes sh*t happens though and there is nothing we can do about it. My DS1 ended up in SCBU too and I blamed myself for ages until I realised that none of it was my fault, it was just the way that things had worked out. It sounds as though it was the same for you.

Just wanted to come add my encouragement MVRC, I had a crappy labour as well and felt like I'd failed, but 12 weeks on it's all forgotten about and no-one ever asks about how it went anymore and I'm starting to forget. I think it took me about 6/7 weeks to come to terms with it, but things like sharing how I felt, reading about other's experiences on here (and how there were others who had also had a tough time, through absolutely no fault of their own) was a massive help. Definitely a good idea to talk it through with a medical professional, I think they will tell you you had a very difficult and complicated labour from a medical viewpoint, which may help you feel a bit better (did when my GP said it to me!).
I also didn't feel a lot of love for my DS until he was about 6 wks old, and then it's only been gradual. I posted on here about wishing I'd got a dog when he was 4 wks or so! I was his mother and I loved him, but I didn't actually like him very much and kept wishing he would just go away. It's much better now, I think it became better when he was able to give some response back. I hope things will improve for you, I'm sure they will; in a few weeks your DS will be smiling and laughing at you and he'll show you his Mummy is his favourite person. Good luck MVRC.

Just to add, in case it is any consolation, I don't think the epidural had anything to do with it.

I didn't have an epidural but I still had failed vontouse and forceps...... I did have a distressed baby. If your baby is distressed or facing up and you're in advanced labour there's no position or alternative pain relief decision that can change that.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much but please don't think that the decision to have an epidural when you were in so much pain had anything to do with it.

You say you'd take on the world to protect your DS - don't you think that is love? It took me a while to work out how to enjoy being a mum and enjoy just being with DD but like you I knew I'd do anything to protect her.

It sounds like you have had a horrible time. The only person who failed is the medical team "caring" for you. I would encourage you to speak to a midwife and go through your labour notes so you can understand exactly what happened and when. Often in labour timelines get blurred and events out of order. That way you will discover what happened and that you are not to blame.
And before i get any critical comments i am not blaming the midwives, they do an amazing job but are under so much pressure. But that is no excuse to leave any woman feeling she failed.

I had a traumatic birth and was wondering if my decision to have an epidural added to that. My DS is now 13 weeks old and just last week I mentioned to my DH about whether it would have changed things if I didnt have it. He said to me quite plainly that I NEEDED my epidural when I asked for it. I trust him and just that little bit of reassurance from him (who knows me and my pain threshold well) and him being there in a sane mind tells me that yes I needed that epidural and whether I'd had it or not it wouldnt have changed anything, other than the amount of pain I was in.

I have had the chance to go over my notes with a midwife and found it really really helpful at filling in the blanks and piecing together the exact timeline.

You havent failed, your baby is here safe and you are in one piece but I can relate to your experience so understand that you may feel like you made the wrong decision but just keep reminding yourself that you made the best choice you could given the circumstances.

you have not failed, you gave birth, there is no right or wrong way. You had pain relief - because you were in pain, what would it have been like if you were exhausted from continuous agony. You would never think you had failed for any other painful event if you had pain relief, why make an exception for giving birth.

The medical team do not sound great and I have to admit I dislike the fact that when his heartbeat was slow they appeared to have got you to move so that a heartrate came up on the machine - what abour the movement of amniotic fluid. I personally think if the heartbeat is diminishing they need to act, try try to find ways to make it look like there is a heartbeat (please note I do not know anything about this, it is just my opinion) .

You sound exhausted, and need to concentrate on feeling better not judging your mothering ability because you do not feel a rush of love like you imagined. Your body and mind had a huge amount to deal with during the birth, and it needs time to recover before it starts flooding you with love endorphines (or however you spell them). You do love your baby, you said you would take on the world, do not judge yourself because yuou thought the love would feel more of a rush. If you were a failure you would not give two hoots about your feelings towards the baby.

You've got nothing to blame yourself for - not everyone gets that 'rush' and it doesn't mean you don't love your child, as others have said. I had an ELCS, super calm delivery, and was expecting to blub with joy but it never happened. As someone else said, I was delighted and interested to meet DS and got straight on with looking after him, but didn't go all gooey - despite crying like a twit at the 12 week scan. I guess I'm just not that sort of person, but I'll take that over being a highly strung paranoid mum like some of my friends!

DS is now 6 months and I'm so into him :) still not gooey but he's my favourite person (don't tell DH).